Today we begin a series on "Parent/Child" conflict. Most of us don't relish conflict, especially conflict with our children, but we see evidence everyday that conflict between parents and children is a serious and sometimes dangerous problem. Our own community is still somewhat in shock because a state approved foster parent awaits trial in a local jail on charges of first degree murder. She is accused of beating her foster child to death. Children deserve better. Some of the damage could be corrected if we could learn how to deal with conflict when it starts. Our approach is admittedly a low-level, basic approach, but it is a start. We hope you'll stay with us as we explore this subject over the next three weeks.

For those of you who like fireworks, Mr. Jim is back. Last month we introduced him to you as a permanent staff member who will write on children's issues. Today, Mr. Jim addresses the subject of managing the children during the worship assembly. You may not agree with him, but I'll guarantee that you won't find him boring.

Norman and Ann

1. Early Childhood.
2. Adolescence.
3. After the children leave home.

1. How conflict develops.

   In the early stages of life, our children are the center of attention. Since they are totally dependent on us for survival, we must give them an enormous amount of attention. Conflict begins to develop when we attempt to convince young children that they are no longer the center of the universe.

   Example. (Norman) "Recently while I was pushing a grocery cart through the aisles of a popular store, I noticed a child, screaming at the top of her lungs. She had an extremely high pitched voice, so it was impossible to ignore. I saw no evidence that she was in any kind of discomfort. She did not shed any tears. Mommy was within two steps of the child, but she was paying more attention to the price of beans than she was to the child. Most likely the child resented the fact that beans were getting more attention than she was."

   Parents often decide they can end an intense demand for attention through by simply giving in to them. A toy or a piece of candy will often do the trick. Sometimes this pattern continues throughout life and people grow up believing that the "wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the oil."

   Some parents unwittingly reinforce this kind of behavior by rewarding rebellion. - Example. A child is called to dinner but ignores the first two calls and gets away with it. Only when a parent's voice is raised and a threat is verbalized does the child come to dinner. The parent has taught the child that the first two calls may be successfully ignored.

   Some parents are quick to discipline but impose discipline that isn't age appropriate. A child who is just learning to speak soon understands the meaning of the word "no," and needs to hear that word often. An older child may need to know the reasons behind "no," while an explanation wouldn't mean a thing in the world to a toddler.

2. How can parents make this time of life "less hectic?" Here are some suggestions:
   • Impose age appropriate consequences. Example. If a young child defiantly disobeys a parent, mild physical pain may be the only response the small child understands. (We stress mild pain to distinguish between disciplinary pain and abusive pain, but it must be painful. Otherwise the child will not learn the lesson). An older child may need another form of discipline like loss of privileges and he is entitled to know why. (See Proverbs 13:24: Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21).

   • Allow natural consequences to occur (Proverbs 22:8; Galatians 6:7). Clyde Narramore (Help, I'm a Parent) tells of a time when his one year old daughter nibbled on a bar of soap while she was taking her bath. The first time they caught her, they spanked her and took the soap away. A few days later, she was doing it again. This time they let her eat the soap. In a few minutes, she began crying. They removed her from the bathtub and attempted to get the soap out of her mouth, but they couldn't remove it all. Her lips started swelling. Now they felt guilty so they called a physician. Fortunately, the doctor assured them that no permanent damage had been done. It was a tough day for both the parents and the child, but she never ate soap again. They had allowed natural consequences to occur.

   • Give appropriate rewards for positive behavior and withhold those rewards when negative behavior occurs. These rewards may include praise, hugs or even some tangible reward such as a treat from the refrigerator. With very small children, the rewards should be immediate and easily attainable. Comment from Norman. "Several years ago I was in charge of a bus ministry. We had various kinds of incentive programs. One was a 'store.' The children were given play money for saying memory verses, good behavior, bringing a friend etc. This usually worked very well. We had a 'quiet seat' prize. A certain chair was selected as the 'quiet seat' before the class began. If the person sitting in that chair behaved through the entire class period, that student was rewarded. This had a very positive effect on classroom decorum. It was immediate and easily attainable by any child. Once I got more ambitious. I managed to get a football, personally autographed by all the members of the local NFL team. We had a contest that ran over several weeks. We would hold up the football and tell them that the student who brought the most bus riders between then and the time the contest ended would be given the football. Two things were wrong with this incentive. One. Only one person could win the prize. Two. The reward was a long time coming, which made it very hard for pre-schoolers to stay focused on. After two or three weeks, it was obvious that one girl was going to win the football and nobody else was even going to try hard. These same principles work in the parenting situation."

Every person who has attempted to persuade people to attend church has heard it. "I don't attend church services because there are too many hypocrites in the church." We're as positive as you can be about the need to assemble on a regular basis with Christians who share our faith, but we are not so blind as to think there are no hypocrites in the church. But there may not be as many hypocrites as some people think. You can read our thoughts about hypocrisy