Norman and Ann

Editor's Note: For a discussion of lowering the level of parent/child conflict during the early childhood phase of parenting, go to http://www.allaboutfamilies.org and click on "Previous".

• Self-consciousness.

  Physical changes occur in a young person's body at a rapid rate. Both parents and offspring frequently find themselves confused and baffled by the changes. Feelings about one's appearance may be exaggerated. A teenager may complain about having freckles, curly or straight hair (whichever one is not in style), having to wear glasses, being too thin or being overweight. Any kind of negative comment about one's appearance from an adult can be a tough blow. We knew a young girl whose mother told her, "Your eyes are spaced too far apart." That's an unchangeable part of the body and a thoughtless negative message by a parent may well increase her feeling that she is less than an adequate person. That painful statement may never be forgotten.

• Mood swings

  . One day a young person will talk two hours non-stop. The next day you can't get that same teenager to even talk about the weather. If you try to force conversation, don't be surprised if you hear nothing more than unintelligible grunts and groans. Teenagers sometimes converse with adults on a mature level one day and sound like six-year-olds the next. Besides that, intense interrogation and argumentation may test your ideas and values. When teenagers get on a roll in debate with adults, they often show no mercy. If you plan to stand your ground, it pays to know what you're talking about. The same young person, who has always agreed with your perspectives on everything, suddenly challenges everything from why it's important for subjects and verbs to agree all the way to the existence of God. The teenager you sought to "bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" may argue for the legalization of marijuana, abortion on demand and homosexual marriage to your chagrin and dismay. Many times they just want to find out what you're going to say. They want to see if you are going to stand your ground.

• Resistance to authority

  . Instead of unquestioning compliance, you now hear the question "why" quite a lot, just like when they were very small. Your offspring may brood quite a lot and challenge your right to impose standards. Perhaps you have always dreamed of sending your children to a Christian university, but your child wants to attend school at Berkeley. Some friends of mine once told me that they tried to influence their son to attend a certain college because of it's Christian influence and because it was small. Those were the exact two reasons their son didn't want to go there. Peers have great influence over the decisions of young people and they don't seem to be able to understand why they "can't be like other young people."

• Relinquish control a little bit at a time. "The seventeen year old who is still disciplined with TV and phone restrictions may have real problems at college in one year. Professors, deans and residence hall assistants don't impose those kinds of restrictions; they resort to tactics such as failing grades, suspension and expulsion." (Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Boundaries. p. 190). Whether young people enter college or the work force, they are expected to be self-motivated. You either conform to requirements or you don't stay. No one is going to come to the dormitory and see to it that your precious son or daughter gets to his or her 8 o'clock class on time.

• Set a credible example. At this point in life you will not be able to operate on the principle of "do-as-I-say." The adolescent in your home will most likely do as you do. Teenagers are highly sensitive to any hint of hypocrisy. Issues are still black and white with them. They don't understand all of your clever rationalizations. They are looking for what is genuine and real. A solid, consistent, loving, Christ-centered life has incredible power. You are being tested. It makes sense to put a lot of effort into developing the kind of character that will stand up to the test.

• Learn how to listen

  . " . . . learning to listen to an adolescent is not always that easy. Many adolescents go through what some have called the 'cave years.' From about fourteen to seventeen, they draw inside themselves, become silent, and are reluctant to communicate. If parents can learn to communicate that they are 'interested' but not 'nosy,' it is still possible to keep lines of communication open during these difficult years." (Carl Breechen and Paul Faulkner. What Every Family Needs. p. 158). It's difficult sometimes because the things they want to talk about may seem mundane and unimportant to a parent, but they just might slip some pretty important stuff into the conversation. It pays not to get caught with your listening apparatus unengaged.

• Maintain boundaries

  . While you aim toward independence, it's not in an adolescent's best interest to be granted independence all at once. Parents have the right and the responsibility to determine when and under what circumstances children will receive their drivers' licenses, when they will be allowed to date, curfew rules, how much financial freedom they have, etc. "Instead of controlling your child, you influence her. You increase her freedom as well as responsibility. You renegotiate restrictions, limits, and consequences with more flexibility." (Cloud and Townsend. p. 190). Some adolescents have a need to know where the boundaries are. They have a tendency to operate on the edge of the boundaries. Sometimes their behavior will be outside the limits of appropriate behavior. At other times, it will be so close to the edge of what you will allow that it drives you nuts.

Adolescence is a difficult time for both parent and student, but it is also a growth time for both parties. Parents need to realize they are still in the learning process. Only those who believe in "continuing education" survive with their senses reasonably intact.

How do you view life and the events that occur around you every day? Is your perspective of life up or down? Jerry Hodge shows us a "new" way to look at life today in the perception's article. You can read about it