We received a message from Ron Deal, which is being published in our "From the E-MailBag" feature. Ron is an old friend from our days in Iowa. His letter explains his current ministry to stepfamilies. Ron will be presenting his material on stepfamilies at the Smart Marriage Conference in Denver during the early part of July.

This week's newsletter is going out with a hope and a prayer. I'm hoping you get it without any difficulty and I'm praying you don't have any big time technical problems. For quite some time Ann has been taking care of 90 per cent of our tech work. She has gotten very proficient with it, but she absolutely refuses to let me call her a webmaster. She is also my "editorial assistant." She not only proofreads, she had the audacity to tell me, "What you just wrote doesn't make a lick of sense." No other critic can do that and get away with it. This week I'm operating without her. She's visiting her two sisters in Waco, Texas. She's very close to her sisters and I'm glad she has the opportunity to visit. I have only one regret. I wish I could be here to watch. When they get together, it's like a combination political debate, family reunion and three-ring circus. They need to videotape it. If I have too many typos and misspelled words, please try to overlook it. Ann will be back next week, the Lord willing.

Norman

In a previous segment of this study, we explored the subject of blended families from a Biblical perspective. We found stepchildren all through the Old Testament. In last week's segment, we attempted to identify some of the practical problems areas faced by blended families. Today, we conclude the series with positive suggestions for help.

The Bible does not specifically talk about parenting and relationship skills in blended families. We must go back to the relationship principles in the Bible and project them into the blended family situations.

1. We Start with the Ideal Relationship.

   God originally intended for one man and one woman to mate for life. We have been careful to uphold God's ideals. God intended one man and one woman to mate for life. He intended that children should be reared in a monogamous home, that husband and wives, parents and children should live in submission to him and with respect for each other. That's still the norm and should be held up as the norm for our children, even when we haven't observed it ourselves.

   But if you read your Bible carefully, you'll notice that families weren't always what they were supposed to be. Did you know that there's no ideal family modeled for us in the Bible? The ideal principles are there. Correct values are there and if all parties concerned observed these, they would produce family harmony and family fulfillment. But you can't find an ideal family anywhere in the Bible.

   • We all know about the first family. Adam and Eve messed the whole thing up in the garden of Eden, but then look at their first two children - Cain and Abel. Modern psychologists sometime say that dysfunctional families live with a sense of shame. How could you find a more shame-producing event than to have one brother kill another? That's what happened in the first family.

   • Or take the family of Jacob, the grand patriarch of Israel. Can you find a worse sibling rivalry when jealous brothers actually sold their brother Joseph into slavery? And yet we are talking about the first family among God's chosen people in the Old Testament.

   • And there was David, who was a man after God's own heart, but if there ever was a tangled family mess, David's family had to be it. There were multiple wives. One wife was punished because she didn't like the way David danced before the Lord. He committed adultery with another woman and tried to cover it up with murder. And one of his own sons tried to shove him off the throne in Israel. He's not exactly the model of a major moral husband and father

   • Even the family of Jesus can not be regarded as a model family. According to John his brothers did not believe him.

     But what you do find, especially in the ministry of Jesus, are efforts to minister to human brokenness, trials and tribulations in families, heartbreaking situations. When Peter's mother-in-law suffered from a fever, Jesus was there. When a ruler came to Jesus and said, "My daughter has just died." he went to her. And in John's gospel Jesus dealt compassionately with a woman who had suffered the pain of five broken marriages and with a woman who was caught in the very act of adultery.

     If we take our cue from Jesus, our response to families will involve being there when the hurts are felt; offering whatever help we can legitimately offer and helping people who've gotten on the wrong track to put things back together.

2. We Need To Learn How To Give Praise.

   Here are some ways to do that

   • Express appreciation when someone in the family does something right. My friend, Willard Tate, doesn't agree think that's good enough. He says we need to offer praise when someone in the family does something that nearly right.

   • Specifically describe the benefits that come from pleasing behavior. If your young son brings you a dandelion bouquet, tell him that it makes you feel good inside to have such a thoughtful son. When your daughter brings home a good report card, let her know how pleased you are and how much difference this will make to her future.

   • Do it often. Look for the positive. "The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives" (Proverbs 27:21). We need to find a legitimate and specific reason to offer praise every single day. There's always a legitimate, specific reason. Sometimes we don't see it, because we are too busy finding fault.

3. Build self-esteem in children.

   The concept of self-esteem has been much overworked, but all children need to know they have worth and value. They need to feel they are loveable and capable. Parents play a large role in creating an environment that enables children to have a positive view of themselves.

   • Remember that you cannot encourage or praise your children too much and it needs to be done on a daily basis.

   • Look for behaviors in your children/stepchildren that you like, no matter how small, and thank them for the things they do especially when they accept responsibilities around the home.

   • Nothing takes the place of personal involvement with your children/stepchildren so it is important to arrange time during each week when you can spend time alone with each child, even if it is just a few minutes.

   • Listen to them. Ask for their opinions and take their suggestions seriously. You have to listen to stuff that may not seem important to you in order to encourage them to express their views on important matters. It may test you patience to hear a child report on the plot of the latest action movie, complete with dialogue from the script and sound effects, but you have to listen to that sort of thing in order to encourage talk about the things that really count.

   • "A good name is more desirable than riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." Proverbs 22:1

4. Give children spiritual guidance.
   • Proverbs 11:14: "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisors make victory." (Paraphrase-"For lack of guidance and child falls, but many teachings make him victorious).

   • Proverbs 22:6: "Train a child in the way he should go." Proverbs 4 shows us how we are to guide our children. Solomon says that if a child listens to our spiritual guidance the years of his life will be many. But that it must be wise guidance and lead the child along straight paths.

   • Proverbs 4:13 tells us that this guidance and instruction is life for the child.

   • In Psalm 25 David asks God "Show me your ways, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." God gave parents the responsibility of teaching their children what David asked God for in this passage.

   • Set an example of consistent Christian living.

     Children learn more from what they see their parents do than, what they see them say. I don't know much about Brad Paisley. He's a newcomer on the country music scene, but he got my attention when he sang about a stepfather who was the "kind of man he didn't have to be." That's what makes the difference in a child's life. The best advice I can give to anyone who is attempt to raise step children, is to concentrate on your own character development. If your life is consistent with you're the standards of righteousness, righteousness will stand out.

" One observer wrote, "Society is still being run as if two-parent families are the norm" (Robert Klopfer). That's true and it probably won't change very soon, but we must not abandon blended families. We must not treat them like second class families. We must devote energy and time to help them become wholesome families. If we can encourage them to practice upright, moral, unselfish behavior toward everyone who touches their lives, we will guide them in the right direction.

by Ron Deal

How often have you heard someone say, "What we need is some strong "Hell fire and brimstone" preaching. Certainly there's a time and place to let people know about eternal punishment. It's a reality that we all must consider. I do not doubt that the fear of Hell has turned many people, perhaps even most people to the Lord. But will the fear of eternal punishment sustain our walk with Christ over the long haul? Penny Nichols addresses that question at