CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• Feature Article-"IT'S A MATTER OF HONOR"
• by Norman Bales
• THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE ACROSS THE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES
  by J. Lynn Rhodes, M.A. LPC
• Perceptions -"COPPER NAILS"
  Author Unknown

"Don't worry about the kids. They'll probably adjust to the divorce faster than the parents do." Such was the popular idea 25 years ago about the effects of divorce on children. However, a growing body of research as well as clinical observations is demonstrating that in many cases, divorce has a devastating and long lasting effect on people.

The DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used to provide a diagnosis for mental health problems) indicates that Reactive Attachment Disorder has to begin while a child is young. However, practical experience is showing that at any age, stretching or breaking a parental attachment sets a child up for the possibility of serious emotional and behavioral problems. The research data says that 30% of children going through a divorce will have intense difficulties. Often those difficulties are still affecting the individual even in adulthood.

A look at Erikson's developmental stages helps to understand why this happens.

1. INFANCY - hope; basic trust vs. mistrust.
   
2. EARLY CHILDHOOD - will; autonomy vs. shame and doubt
   
3. PLAY AGE - purpose; initiative vs. guilt
   
4. SCHOOL AGE - competence; industry vs. inferiority
   
5. ADOLESCENCE - fidelity; identity vs. identity confusion
   
6. YOUNG ADULTHOOD - love; intimacy vs. isolation
   
7. ADULTHOOD - care; generativity vs. stagnation
   
8. OLD AGE - wisdom; integrity vs. despair and disgust

The foundation of all human interactions is trust. The degree to which trust is present will determine the nature of relationships. If children develop basic trust they progress through the rest of the developmental stages in a healthy way. However, if mistrust is the primary thing developed in infancy, the subsequent developmental stages are damaged. This is often seen in people who had their parental attachment stretched or broken by adoption, abuse or neglect as an infant.

In the case of divorce, it was long assumed that a good beginning in early childhood assured a good outcome after a divorce. Once started properly, the child's resilience would enable the child to overcome whatever difficulties might develop later. Now we are learning that anything which stretches or breaks the attachment to a parent prior to adulthood has the potential of kicking children back to the beginning and causing them to respond to people around them out of mistrust instead of trust. This produces children and adolescents with shame and doubt, guilt, inferiority, and identity confusion. This in turn leads to the serious behavior and emotional problems commonly identified with attachment disorder. Because divorce stretches or breaks the attachment to at least one parent, it potentially can cause dysfunctional behavior and thinking in the child. These behaviors and thought patterns are frequently carried over into adulthood.

Research done by this author on adopted children found the most common dysfunctional behaviors in their attachment disorder were: Rejection of authority; Lying; Cruelty to other people; Refusal to accept responsibility for or consequences of actions; School performance below ability; Lack of long term friends; Manipulation; Difficulty with eye contact; Stealing; Refusal to follow parental guidelines; and Self-control problems. Interestingly, the research literature reports similar problems in 30% of the children who have gone through a divorce.

Mark presented as a very anxious 7-year-old. His parents divorced when he was about three. Initially, his mother had custody. She remarried to a man who was abusive to her and to Mark. After they divorced, custody was given to Mark's father. Mom's contact with Mark became spasmodic. Mark had a hard time following directions and finishing tasks assigned him despite whatever consequences he was given. He would often ignore anything his parents told him to do. He spent a lot of time day dreaming. Two of his biggest problems were lying and temper outbursts. His parents were wondering if he had a problem with attention or with defiance.

At school, Mark was often disciplined for not paying attention, for talking to neighbors, or for just wandering around the room. He reported that he did not have any friends at school. It bothered him that all the other kids seemed to reject him. He rarely did his homework or finished his work at school and as a result, his grades were suffering.

Mark's greatest anxieties came each time he was scheduled for a visit with his mom. As the day came closer his anxiety intensified. He was not afraid of the plane ride -- he had been doing that since he was 4 years old. His problem was that he was afraid his mother and his half-brother would not love him any more. He would take presents for them and devise elaborate schemes to make certain that they would be glad he had come and would want to see him. As our work progressed, he was finally able to realize that he had a lot of anger at his mother for giving him the feeling that he did not matter. Focusing his anger and realizing he could trust his dad and step-mom freed him to let go of the anxiety, pay attention, and to cooperate at home and at school.

Ken was a 14 year old male with an attitude. He was sullen and angry. His mother and father had divorced several years previously. He was primarily dumping anger on his mother with whom he lived. He felt it was inappropriate and unfair for his mother to put limitations on what he could do and where he could go. He would go into rages over little things and yell at his mother and call her names. He would slam doors and hit or kick the walls. He would intentionally do things to irritate her and would ignore whatever she had told him to do or not to do, and would go wherever he wanted to go with or without her permission. As a good manipulator, he had his mother to the point that she was giving in to whatever he suggested.

Ken was an exceptionally bright adolescent and his grades were good. But, by the time his mother brought him in, his grades were dropping rapidly and he was failing some of his classes. But, in this as in other aspects of his life, he was not willing to take ownership of this problem.

Because of his insolence and disrespect, Ken's mother was trying to tighten things down more and more. This was increasing his resistance. He would talk about how much he hated his mother. He repeatedly expressed a desire to have more visitations with his father and also to go live with his father. When he was at his father's house, he was essentially free to come and go as he pleased and do whatever he wanted to do. This enabled Ken to frequently play mom and dad against each other.

Our work primarily emphasized his need to focus his anger on the divorce itself and all that it had changed in his life. We also worked on him taking responsibility for his own decisions and behavior. This latter emphasis also required mom to step back from her tendency to micro-manage and give Ken the freedom to make both choices and mistakes. When she handed him the complete responsibility for his schoolwork, immediately his grades began to improve and he passed all his classes. As his anger became better focused, the tirades and name calling diminished greatly.

Sue was a pregnant 30-something, ready to divorce her husband of nine years. Attractive and intelligent, she had no confidence in either her looks or intelligence. Living in the fear of abandonment, she said, "I'm not wondering if my husband will leave me, I just want to be certain I'm ready when he does." Disagreements immediately put her on the attack and she demanded an instant resolution to problems. If he wanted some time to think about the problem, she would interpret that as his not caring about her or the relationship. She was very spontaneous, to the point of being irresponsible, but she had no realization in the moment that her actions were the cause of the problem.

Our work focused on enabling Sue to see herself as a person of worth and value who did not need to protect herself from the perceived abandonment by her husband and others. We also worked to help her realize the real source of her anger that was so often unfairly directed at her husband - the divorce of her parents and the perceived abandonment of her by her father.

The thought and behavior patterns of children of divorce, even into adulthood, can be summed up by the following general characteristics:

• Lack of trust
  
• Unfocused anger
  
• Not willing to be accountable
  
• Low self-esteem
  
• Learning by doing (as opposed to learning by being told or by observing others)
  
• Failure to do cause and effect reasoning
  
• Fear of abandonment
  
• Behavior driven by the value system

This last characteristic needs some explanation. The dysfunctional thought and behavior patterns of children of divorce are not "learned" in the ordinary sense of the term. Rather they come from the traumatic experiences of the child and the resultant view of the world. The most fundamental thought is, "I'm all alone in the world. Because I'm not certain who will always be there to take care of me, I'll take care of myself." I asked a five-year-old boy whose parents had divorced to draw a picture of his family. After a moment's thought he said, "I have a small family. In fact, I'm the only one in it. So, I'll draw a picture of myself."

All the ways of thinking and behaving that seem so strange to adult observers make sense when seen through the eyes of a child experiencing divorce. Such a child is developing a value system centered in the need to take care of herself. Thus, lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation and all the other behaviors grow out of that value system.

Because the behavior is driven by the value system, behavior modification is rarely successful in dealing with these children and adolescents. People will die before they will violate their value system. This means that any attempt to modify behavior by a system of rewards and punishments is doomed to failure.

Successful counseling and parenting of children of divorce must focus on the child's view of the world and the characteristics listed above.

------------------------ J. Lynn Rhodes, M.A. is a Licensed Professional Counselor practicing in Greeley, Colorado. He also provides telephone and email counseling to children and parents struggling with attachment issues. His website can be reached at: lrhodes.com

Author Unknown

How often have you heard someone say, "What we need is some strong "Hell fire and brimstone" preaching. Certainly there's a time and place to let people know about eternal punishment. It's a reality that we all must consider. I do not doubt that the fear of Hell has turned many people, perhaps even most people to the Lord. But will the fear of eternal punishment sustain our walk with Christ over the long haul? Penny Nichols addresses that question

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org