Parenting may be the most difficult skill for us to acquire. No one does it perfectly, but when we don't we often mentally kick ourselves for our mistakes and feel enormously guilty. We don't have the final answers to enriching relationships with brothers and sisters. We could tell our own war stories. We've tried putting together some of what we have learned and some of what we have read on the subject. We're hoping some of you will find this series helpful in writing the script for your own personal family dramas.

Norman and Ann

Relationships between brothers and sisters sometimes flourish and sometimes flounder. We know brothers and sisters who are alienated from one another. We know others who cherish their relationships with brothers and sisters more than any other relationships in the world. It has always been that way. The Bible is a book that never covers its heroes with the veneer of perfection. This makes it very helpful to us when we are trying to find a way to build bridges of understanding between brothers and sisters.

Some of the saddest portions of the Bible tell the stories of brothers and sisters who did not get along. The first murder in human history occurred when Cain killed his brother, Abel (Genesis 4). Joseph's brothers contemplated killing him, but relented and sold him into slavery, which could have been a fate worse than death had God not intervened (Genesis 37). Jacob deceitfully manipulated events to cheat his brother Esau out of his birthright and blessing (Genesis 25-27). According to Judges 9:24, Abimelech conspired with the citizens of Sychar to murder his brothers. Adonijah, the brother of Solomon conspired to make himself king during David's dying days (1 Kings 1). David's family illustrated several breakdowns in sibling relationships, the most prominent of which was the Amnon - Tamar - Absalom triangle. Amnon raped his half sister, Tamar. While David ignored the sad state of events, Absalom seethed in anger. Two years later, he saw an opportunity to bring about the violent death of his half-brother. This sad sequence of events produced a permanent rift of relationships between Absalom and his father, David.

On the other hand, there were many noble acts done on behalf of brothers and sisters. When Abraham's servant went to Nahor to find a wife for Isaac, he found himself negotiating with Rebekah's brother to gain permission for Isaac to marry Rebekah (Genesis 24). Joseph forgave his brothers for their treachery. When Jacob died, they were afraid Joseph would pay them back for their mean spiritedness. " But Joseph said to them, 'Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.' And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." When Moses felt inadequate for the task of leading Israel because he lacked eloquence as a speaker, God arranged for his brother, Aaron, to become the spokesman (Exodus 4:14). When the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, his sister Miriam sang a sweet song of deliverance (Exodus 15:20-21. When Rahab the harlot hid the Hebrew spies in Jericho, she asked that her father and mother, brothers and sisters be spared (Joshua 2:13). Years later, when Jesus appeared, Andrew sought out his brother, Peter and said, "We have found the Messiah (that is the Christ) and he brought him to Jesus" (John 1:41-42).

Throughout the Old Testament period, there was an understanding that common parentage obligated brothers and sisters to one another in certain ways.

There was a strong feeling about the protection of siblings. Sometimes those feelings were out of control. Jacob's only daughter, Dinah was violated by a man named Shechem, they retaliated by deceiving Shechem and the men of his city and killing all the males in the city to "protect" the honor of their sister (Genesis 34).

The feeling that family members needed to be avenged ran so strong that the Law of Moses set up cities of refuge as havens for any person who might have accidentally killed someone. They could go to those cities and be protected from avengers (Numbers 35). The law also placed certain responsibilities on a man when his brother died without leaving a son. He was obligated to marry the widow, so that the first born son could carry the brother's name (Deuteronomy 25:5-6).

A spirit of camaraderie and unity among brothers was promoted throughout both Testaments. The psalmist wrote, "How good and pleasant it is, when brothers live together in unity" (Psalm 133:1). According to Proverbs 17:17, " . . . a brother is born for adversity."

The scriptures use terms like "brother" and "sister" to describe relationships between those who enjoy common fellowship with God. In 1 Peter 1:17, Peter encourages his readers to "love the brotherhood." In the Bible, the term "brotherhood" is used because it is assumed that loving brothers is the right thing to do. One of the most meaningful passages in this regard is found in Romans 14. Paul wrote about differences of scruples among brothers. The Christian life is not a solo performance. A few years back, a country singer made the charts with a song titled, "Me and Jesus Have a Good Thing Going." It doesn't work that way. If we live in relationship to God, we interact with a community of believers and those people are recognized as our brothers and sisters. "For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone" (Romans 14:8). In verse 10, the apostle asked, "Why do you judge your brother or why do you look down on your brother?" In verse 21, he asked his readers to forego certain liberties if the exercise of those liberties cause a person to stumble who is weak in the faith. He said, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to stumble." It is most significant that this appeal for restraint is based on a sense of brotherliness. Doesn't that say a great deal about the way brothers and sisters are obligated to treat one another? The principles are precisely the same whether we are talking about brothers in the flesh or brothers in the spirit.

From God's word, we can identify the following principles that should prevail in brother-sister relationships.

1. They are to love each other.
   
2. They have an obligation to be mutually protective of each other.
   
3. In their disagreements, they are to forego the legitimate exercise of freedom if the exercise of freedom infringes on the safety and security of other brothers and sisters.
   
4. They are to be forgiving toward one another.
   
5. They must treat their relationship as a special privilege and do everything in their power to promote the harmony of the relationship.

We recognize the fact that most of the Biblical material concerning brothers and sisters concerns relationships between adult siblings. However, it is quite likely that poor relationships among adult brothers and sisters were incubated during childhood. Children also learn to love one another during the years they live with their parents. Parents need to develop a clear understanding of these principles and work on promoting them early in life. Our next two parts of this series will focus on practical aspects of enriching "one another" relationships among children.

OUR NEXT SECTION Part Three: How to Enrich Relationships Between Brothers and Sisters or "Trying to Keep a Civil War from Breaking Out in Your Own Home"

Why are children jealous of each other?
"Each one of us - adult or child- wants to be loved uniquely, not equally." - Dr. Jocelyn Miller., child psychologist.

When children fight, how do you determine who is the perpetrator and who is the victim?
"For every kid who is doing a lot of hitting, there's usually a kid who is doing a lot of provoking." - Dr. Jocelyn Miller.

When children fight, how do you find out who started it?
"The question assumes that one child is guilty and the other is innocent. There's no such thing as an innocent sibling." - Nancy Samalin.

Should parents intervene when their children argue?
" . . . research indicates that when parents jump into sibling quarrels, they often protect the weaker (usually younger) sibling against the stronger (usually older) sibling. This intervention has the effect of escalating the battle as the stronger sibling feels resentful and the weaker siblings feel they can fight back more because the parent is 'on their side.'" - Stacy Nagel, Cal State.

What is the parent's role in a sibling rivalry?
"Your role as a parent is to provide guidance, not sit on the judge's bench." - Pamela Shires Sneddon. Today's Christian Parent.

Why does family life often seem out of control?
". . . because it is. If we're not careful, we can ride the wave of daily chaos right into an empty nest without ever thinking of the big picture. Why did God put us together? What goals does he want us to accomplish as a family? How can we get the most out of our years together? - Karen Scalf Linamen. Today's Christian Woman.