Although we didn't mention him by name, Jim makes the feature article this week. He's the child who said to his older brother, "when you least expect it, expect it."

This week's installment of the "brothers and sisters" series really gets to some of the down-to-earth problems encountered in family dynamics. We don't have the final answer on mediating disputes between siblings. If you've tried something in your home that works, let us know. We'll include it in a future newsletter.

Norman and Ann

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matthew 5:9). Sometimes the family looks more like a battlefield than it does a refuge from a hostile world. You don't need a military tactician to tell you when a war breaks out under your own roof; you just need to figure out some way to control the damage. Peacemaking may look like an elusive goal. You're more interested in making sure no one becomes a war casualty.

In a way, it's a strange phenomenon. In their enthusiasm to provide a healthy environment for their firstborn, parents often unwittingly allow the firstborn child to become the center of attention. The world revolves around the wants and needs of the child. Norman grew up as an only child. By the time he learned to talk, he learned to enjoy the attention his parents gave him. He would allow no competitors. In those days before the advent of television, his parents acquired a battery-operated radio to keep up with the events of the day. Norman could not stand the competition from the radio. He set up a sustained scream until the radio was turned off. (From Norman. "I don't remember any of this, but my parents later assured me that it was true"). That's probably an extreme example of a firstborn's obsession with attention, but it is not an uncommon occurrence.

When something like this happens, parents often reason, "What little Elmo needs is a brother or sister." (In Norman's case, his mother's health made that solution impossible). Soon the parents expect their second child. They try to prepare their firstborn for the new arrival. At first the child is excited, but then the baby is born and the firstborn child begins to realize the baby needs an enormous amount of attention. Time spent with parents is now greatly reduced. The resentment level escalates, hostility ensues and the problem increases when the third and fourth children arrive.

We are amazed at the advice given in many of the parenting books. Parents are given all sorts of encouragement to spend time with their children, to interact with their children, to make their children feel important. It's all good advice, but it's like the authors of those books overlooked the fact that multiple children dwell in each household and the children compete with each other for the attention and affection of their parents. So how do we avoid civil war?

We don't pretend to know all the answers. After all, we aren't dealing with an exact science, but here are a few suggestions that might help.

1. Don't intervene unless someone is getting hurt.
   During Norman's boyhood, he tried to make peace between two brothers who were fighting. Both the brothers turned against him. That wasn't exactly the way he intended to unite these warring siblings. Actually children can sometimes be quite resourceful in finding ways to settle their own grievances. We recall a time when an older brother seemed to delight in picking on his younger sibling. Every day he seemed to find some new way to irritate his little brother. We made several attempts at intervention. Scolding fell on deaf ears. Sermons didn't work either. We tried separating them, but you can't separate them forever. One day the younger brother reached the end of his patience. He made a simple statement to his brother that changed the course of their relationship. He said, "When you least expect it, expect it." His older brother never knew when retaliation would take place or how. Apparently he didn't care to find out. He stopped picking on his younger brother. If the threatened action ever took place, we didn't find out about it.

2. Forget about trying to find out who started it.
   Chances are the genesis of any specific irritation occurred long before open conflict. The grudge was probably massaged by both parties for several days. Even if you do find out who "started it," you probably won't find out why that child started it. A few weeks ago, a major league baseball player was ejected from a game for starting a fight. The color commentator opined, "When that happens, 90 per cent of the time, the person thrown out of the game was provoked by an act or statement which the umpire didn't see." It probably works that way in family conflict. You want to stop the conflict, but if you consume your energy trying to assign blame, you will end up making one child a victim and the other child a villain and that contributes nothing toward the resolution of the problem. Dr. John Rosemond wrote, "When intervention is necessary to restore peace in the family, parents should also do so in ways that hold both children equally responsible for the disturbance." (John Rosemond. A Family of Value. p. 253).

3. If you must intervene, attach unpleasant consequences to unacceptable behavior.
   You can actually be very creative in this regard. Some parents would think this is a good time just to administer spankings to everyone. The theory is "spread the misery around." Many parents are opposed to spanking and we're not going to revisit the issue of corporal punishment at this juncture. Besides that, while some children respond to spanking, others become more belligerent.

   There are some highly creative ways of intervention that have proven to be helpful for some people. One mother says that she requires her children to sit on the floor and look at one another until they start laughing (It usually doesn't take long). Years ago, a friend recalled how his mother handled sibling arguments during his childhood. She required the children to sit facing one another and read 1 Corinthians 13 out loud. Another mother reports a technique, which she claims, works every time. She requires brothers and sisters to kiss one another on the cheek when they have been fighting. We suspect that works really well with pre-teen boys.

4. Don't pay too much attention to complaints about fairness.
   "It's not fair" are probably the three most frequently spoken words from the lips of children when they voice their complaints about the way their siblings are treating them. Our adult children heard four words in response to that statement - "Life is not fair." You'll never be able to create an environment, which measures up to every child's idea of fairness. Years ago, we heard a story about two brothers who argued over the size of a piece of pie their mother had served them. The mother thought she had a diplomatic answer. She told the younger brother, "Your brother is older than you are. It's only right that he should have the larger piece of pie." The younger brother said, "That's not the way I see it. I figure he had been eating pie three years before I got here and I need the bigger piece, so I can catch up."

   Sometimes humor helps diffuse fairness complaints. One mother tells about the way her son complained when she bought a new dress for her daughter. She stopped his whining, when she offered to buy him a dress. Of course we shouldn't play favorites, but no matter how hard we try to make things come out equal, it's probably not going to be perceived that way. The story of the older brother's response in the parable of the prodigal son illustrates the built in frustrations of jealousy. The father reminded him, "'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found'" (Luke 15:31-32). We don't know if the older brother accepted the father's logic, but Jesus left no doubt that the father acted compassionately, even though the older brother thought he was unfair.

5. Insist On Respect for Personal Property.
   We had one son who seemed to think that all family property is supposed to be communal property. His older brother developed a free enterprise personal property mindset early in his life. He insisted on clearly marked property boundaries. The two boys shared a room together during their adolescent years. When the property sharer dressed for the day, he looked in the closet or chest of drawers for clothes he liked without giving any consideration to property rights. The property protector was often frustrated when his clothes showed up on his brother. Their most serious disagreements took place over the issue of socks. Both of them wore white socks with their sneakers. In an attempt to end the conflict, we bought one boy a set of socks with colored stripes around the top. The other one had plain white socks. Even so, the property lines were not observed. The property-conscious son acquired an indelible laundry marker and wrote their names on the soles of their socks. I don't really think the issue was resolved until the older son moved out the house and went to college.

   Some problems defy solutions, but even so, we must work diligently to teach children respect for the property of others. It's an important lesson that has implication far beyond the years of growing up.

In the give and take of sibling conflict, children learn the skills that are necessary to their survival in the world of business and commerce. They also learn strategies they will need when they raise their own children. Unresolved negative feelings between two brothers led to the world's first murder (Genesis 4:1-8). Your children are not going to be in perfect harmony 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. They will even learn some valuable lessons out of the conflict, but it must be a controlled conflict. Mom and Day play a vital role in keeping the lid on.

I want to share a couple of thoughts about my recent mission trip to San Pedro Sula, Honduras. It was an experience I would never trade. I don't speak Spanish, I dislike hot weather, and I know nothing about cinder block construction-the main reason for our trip! God grabbed me where I was and moved me to minister.

I spent an hour one day holding a baby named Georgie! He was not real clean and couldn't understand me, but I couldn't put him down. Not that I didn't try-he wouldn't let go!!! God showed me again that we are all precious.

I made a friend named Yoni. (I thought he was saying Johnny!) I think he was 10, but I really need to learn Spanish! I couldn't get off the bus fast enough for him to come from behind and try to get on my shoulders. He would stand next to me or behind me whereever I roamed. He didn't expect me to say clever things or give him anything (although the gift of candy was that much sweeter!). He just wanted to be near me. When we left, he gave me a picture that he drew just for me. He wrote my name at the top LLIN. I guess he didn't understand me either!

God used Yoni to show me that words don't mean nearly as much as a look and a touch from someone who loves you! I was also reminded that God wants all of us to have the faith of a child. To love Him so much that we just want to be in His presence. No one is expected to say clever things, and God will most definitely get your name right!

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim You, who walk in the light of Your presence, O Lord. They rejoice in Your name all day long; they exult Your righteousness. For You are their glory and strength." Psalm 89:15-17 (NIV)

I have Yoni's picture hanging in my office as a constant reminder that Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Thank you, Yoni, for reminding me how to love.