CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- Feature Article-"Can Brothers and Sisters Co-Exist?"
Part Four: "How to Enrich Relationships Between Brothers and Sisters
- Peace is Possible (Eventually)"
by Norman and Ann Bales - SPIRIT: SKILLS AND PERSPECTIVES FOR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS IN TRUTH
LISTENING WELL - PART 1
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC - Perceptions -"Pure Joy"
by Mark Pugh
Just Visiting
This week's newsletter is actually being sent out a couple of days early. We hope that doesn't create problems for anyone's schedule. The Lord willing we will be attending the "Smart Marriages" conference in Denver later this week. We are excited about the prospect of learning more about family life from people like Wade Horn, Michael McManus, Scott Stanley, Howard Markman and many others. We look forward to sharing some of their insights in future issues. Mikal and Jim Frazier will be joining us in Denver, so we all look forward to increasing our understanding of family issues.
Speaking of Mikal, I hope you will read her article (and the one to follow next week) on the subject of listening. What Mikal says makes a great deal of sense. I would add only one thing (based on sad experience). It's one thing to know the techniques of listening. It's quite another to put them into practice. We would urge you to read Mikal's suggestions carefully and then put them into practice.
We will be gone for two weeks, but you won't miss your newsletter. If you should encounter technical problems during our time away, please contact Vic Phares, our tech manager. His address is vic@phares.net
Norman and Ann
Two of our children are thirteen months apart in age. More sparks flew between the two of them than all the other children combined. The battles raged constantly throughout their adolescent years. We're not sure of all the reasons. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that they attended the same school, participated in the same activities, went to the same youth camp in the summer, knew the same people - well you get the idea. They knew one another's weaknesses, secrets and irritating mannerisms better than anyone else. When we pull out family pictures, we notice how frequently the two of them show up doing the same thing. We wondered if they would ever get along with each other.
As things turned out, they chose to attend the same college - a thousand miles away from home. Among more than 4,000 students, they soon developed separate interests and didn't seem to get in each other's way too often. Then one day our daughter came down with the flu. That was a tough time for her. Her mother is a nurse and had always been there to provide the TLC during those difficult times. Now she was a thousand miles away from home, sick with the flu and not really sure that anybody cared. She called her brother and asked if he could bring her some medicine. He not only brought the medicine, he brought some small gifts in an attempt to cheer her up. She got on the phone to her Mom and said, "Mom, maybe he really does care about what happens to me."
In adulthood, they live hundreds of miles apart, but they get along with each other. They don't call one another uncomplimentary names, nor do they engage in senseless arguments. They are mutually supportive. When our daughter got married, she asked her brother to sing for her wedding and he obligingly did so.
We bring the series on brothers and sister to a close on a positive note. We hope to suggest a few simple guidelines that will encourage eventual acceptance.
We cannot avoid inevitable comparisons by people outside the family. Unfortunately parents sometimes act the same way. The problem is compounded when parents try forcing their children to pursue their own interests. Picture a family in which the father loves to talk about his youthful athletic achievements. He has two boys. One is the quarterback for the high school football team. The second boy realizes that the role of "athlete" is already taken. He decides to make his mark in life by playing the role of "scholar." He immerses himself in books, but shows no interest in trying out for the football team. If the father ridicules his son's academic interests, while speaking words of glowing praise about the quarterback, he's probably going to alienate the studious son. He may even drive a permanent wedge of hostility between the two boys. On the other hand, if he can see the value in the passion of both boys, there's a good chance the boys will learn to complement each other. The student can help the older brother keep his grades up so he can continue playing. The athlete can work to deter the "jocks" who would torment his younger brother during physical education classes.
Many years ago, a father came home every evening and proposed a topic for discussion among his children at the supper table. It was always a highly controversial topic and the children were expected to take differing points of view. The father made sure the arguments didn't get out of hand. He was trying to teach his children how to think. Not surprisingly, some of them became attorneys, politicians and journalists.
We're not suggesting that you turn a family dinner into a debating forum, but we are saying that you don't have to become a mental basket case every time your children have a disagreement. Years later, you might be surprised at how much they cherish the memories of their conflicts. We recall a time when our children first began to scatter to the four winds. We all met at the airport for the arrival of the last child. All six of us got in the car for the first time in quite a few years. We had not driven far, when an argument broke out between the children. Norman thought it was ridiculous. The six of us had not been together in several years and within fifteen minutes, the children were arguing. He intervened. He said, "Cut it out. This is the way it used to be when you were all home." Our oldest chimed in and said, "Yeah, ain't it wonderful?" We allowed the argument to continue.
As we bring this series of discussion to a close, we are well aware of our inability to adequately cover the topic. We know people who are coping with sibling relationships when one or more of their children are either physically or mentally challenged. Admittedly we have not addressed that situation. We know people who are coping with sibling relationships in which one child is a model of deportment, while another breaks every rule in the book. We haven't said much to help those families either. We know families in which there is a great age span between children. I even know some families in which a daughter is younger than her aunt. In this age of frequent divorce, some brothers and sisters are separated from each other in early childhood. These are special circumstances that require special skills. We have only addressed the topic generally.
Our thoughts have been directed to those weary parents who fear that their children will never love one another. We urge such parents not to panic. On the other hand, you have the best chance of getting through the child rearing years if you take a proactive stance.
We close with the words of Ogden Nash:
One would be in less danger
There is no greater lie than a truth misunderstood. --- William James
As has been explained, being able to share your concerns around a
sensitive subject is crucial to healthy communication in the marital relationship.
To further develop skills for effective communication, there are certain
rules which enrich the listening experience and therefore enhance the
communication process.
"Active listening" is a term, which has been applied to the behavior
of listening well. To truly give your spouse the message that you are
listening and want to hear his/her message, the skills of active listening are of
great benefit.
Following are the skills of active listening:
Virginia Satir said that with every utterance we each are seeking
validation. Listening well to your spouse equals essential validation.
by Mark Pugh
In Vacation Bible School, children learn to sing, "I have a joy, joy, joy, joy down in
my heart." No one is against joy, but unfortunately joy continues to be an elusive experience for many people. Perhaps we don't have joy because we look for it in all the wrong places. You'll want to read Mark's thoughts about "pure joy"
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
CAN BROTHERS AND SISTERS CO-EXIST
Part Four: "How to Enrich Relationships Between Brothers and Sisters"
"Peace is Possible (Eventually)"
Accept each child's uniqueness.
Sometimes this may present quite a challenge. Children are not equal in abilities, intelligence, temperament and interests. On the other hand, every child has unique admirable qualities. The parent who expects uniform performance from all the children is asking for trouble. A young lady enrolled in a college English class and won the praise of her teacher for her studious habits and mastery of the curriculum. Three years later, her brother enrolled for the same class under the same teacher. One day the teacher told him that his performance was disappointing, far below the standard set by his older sister. Refusing to live under the shadow of his sister, he stormed out of class and became a college dropout. Encourage intimacy.
We're not talking about making a brother kiss his sister (although some parents use that as a way to stop fighting between siblings). We're talking about respect, communication, and mutual support. Norman's father had a twin brother. They maintained a life long close friendship. Through most of their lives they lived within stone throwing distance of each other. They worked together as partners. Their children still treat one another as if they were brothers and sisters. This is a normal state of affairs, even though it has become so rare in our day that people think of it as abnormal. Take a close look at Proverbs 18:24. " . . but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." The emphasis is on friendship, but the model is a brother. The text assumes that brothers will be close. Don't get too discouraged by their arguments.
Believe it or not, fighting (we're not talking about violence) is entertaining to many children. It relieves boredom. Conflict sharpens their thinking. Besides, in some ways, the home is like a gymnasium where children learn the skills that will enable them to compete in the arena of life. Maybe that's why the late Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame put these words in the lips of Linus. "Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.CONCLUSION
from the wiles of the stranger
If one's own kin and kith
Were more fun to be with.SPIRIT: SKILLS AND PERSPECTIVES FOR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS IN TRUTH
LISTENING WELL - PART 1
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPCPERCEPTIONS
"Pure Joy"