CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE
"Quotes from the Conference"
by Norman and Ann Bales - FOCUS ON CHILDREN: "The Bridger Generation"
by Mr. Jim - Perceptions -"The High Price of Hating"
by Douglas F. Parsons
Just Visiting
We are back home from our trip to Denver and what a wonderful experience it was. Four years ago Diane Sollee put together an event known as "Smart Marriages." "Smart Marriages" is a series of workshops and seminars sponsored by the Coalition for Marriage Family and Couples Education, an organization founded by Diane. The people who attend the conferences represent many different perspectives, skills, interests, professions and ideologies. However, they do have one thing in common, a belief in the institution of marriage as well as a determination to work hard toward the preservation and enrichment of marriages. "All About Families" was well represented. The two of us were there and so was our resident therapist, Mikal Frazier, along with her husband, Jim.
As we gathered for the conference, we were handed a 35-page document describing the goals of what is coming to be known as "The Marriage Movement." Leaders of the marriage movement are concerned with such matters as reducing the number of divorces and unwed child bearing. They want to promote better marriages. They are interested in providing better education and tools for developing marriage skills.
As we listened to the various presenters, we heard the same ideals emphasized in the seminar that we have promoted throughout the four and one half years this newsletter has been published - commitment, better communication, life-long marriages, working at conflict resolution and many other similar themes.
The presenters were some of the best known writers, therapists, and academicians in the field of marriage and family. If you go to a conference, you'll find yourself rubbing shoulders with a lot of well-informed people. All the presenters are responsible for their own expenses. No honoraria are paid. You can be sure they are there because they believe in what they are doing.
We greatly appreciate the tireless energy that Diane gives to the promotion of marriage. If you value your marriage, you will profit from Diane's website. The archives contain hundreds of posts on various marriage issues. The quality is uneven, but there is some fantastic stuff there. Check the coalition's website. The address is smartmarriages.com/ If you'll click on "articles and information," you'll find the archives of previous posts. You can also subscribe to the Smart Marriage newsletter, which is sent out without charge. We'll offer only one word of caution about that. Sometimes Diane sends out five or six e-mail message a day. Usually, they are all good and it sometimes drives us crazy trying to keep up.
We want to give you a brief taste of the conference and we thought the best way to do that would be to share some quotes from some of the presenters.
Norman and Ann
"Marriage is not a crap shoot." - Dr. Wade Horn.
ABOUT GOOD MARRIAGES
"A good marriage is like a casserole. Only those who are responsible for it really know what's in it." - Bill Owens, governor of Colorado.
ABOUT OUR ATTITUDE TOWARD COHABITING COUPLES WHO WANT TO MARRY
"The choice of marriage is a teachable moment." - Barbara Markey
ADVICE GIVEN TO BILL DOHERTY (a conference presenter) BY A DENVER TAXI DRIVER
"Get things out in the open. When you have a fight, make up afterwards. Someone has to apologize first."
CONCERNING INTENTIONAL MARRIAGE
"Getting married is like rowing a canoe in the Mississippi. If you don't paddle, you'll go south." - Bill Doherty.
GROUND RULES FOR DAILY MARRIAGE "RITUALS"
(Rituals are defined as "social interactions that are repeated, coordinated and have positive social significance.")
ABOUT "WALK-AWAY WIVES"
"Two-thirds of the marriages that end are ended by women." - Michelle Weiner-Davis
WALK AWAY WIFE SYNDROME
ABOUT REPLACING "ME" WITH "US"
"I don't like ballet; WE love ballet." - Terry Hargrave
ABOUT INFIDELITY
"We have the ability to remake bonds that have been broken." - Frank Pitman
ABOUT MARRIAGE EDUCATION
"The major function of marriage education is to teach monogamy." - Frank Pitman
ABOUT MARRIAGE COMMITMENT
"Marriage is like riding in an airplane. You don't increase your safety by being part way out of the airplane." - Frank Pitman
ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN
"According to Judith Wallerstein, twenty five years after a divorce, children see the divorce as the central event of their lives."
ABOUT FUN IN MARRIAGE
"The importance of fun has been understudied. It fuels passion, zest and confidence." - Howard Markman
"Remember, fun is serious business." - David and Claudia Arp
CONCERNING PARENTS
"Honor your father and mother even if they are jerks. It's for your own benefit." - Ramon Corrales
ABOUT NEGATIVISM
"Couples forget about the good things they liked about their partner when they married. Then they start criticizing - "David Olson.
ABOUT DIVORCE
"God hates divorce, but he does not hate divorced people." - Scott Stanley.
by Mr. Jim
I have finally completed reading the book The Bridger Generation by Thom S. Rainer from which I have been quoting passages and statistics for months. I need to tell you more about it and recommend it to you as a must read for Christians.
Mr. Rainer is the dean of the Billy Graham School of Missions, Evangelism, and Church Growth at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He completed this book after extensive research, and has accumulated some startling facts about the children we are raising and the world in which they live.
Who are we?
Builders-born before 1946 - 26% of the American population
As you can see, the kids of today are the 2nd largest group in our society, and will easily dominate the adult population for the first half of the 21st century. These "Bridgers" will shape the attitudes, economics, and lifestyles of America. The question is "What are the shaping influences on the Bridger Generation?"
Their families are much more diverse than ever before. Only 71% live in two parent homes, and less than half will spend their entire childhood with both biological parents. The gap between the "haves" and the "have-nots" is growing wider with each year. Those born in 1977 had a poverty rate of 16%, while the Bridgers born in 1993 had a poverty rate of 23%. The Bridgers could very well be a generation with greater conflicts in terms of class and race.
More than any generation, the Bridgers are very "religious". Rainer says, "The Bridgers as a generation believe in almost any expression of a higher being or higher power. And they resist any claim that one faith system is superior or exclusive. The church has an awesome challenge to share an exclusive gospel with a generation that resists absolutes of any type."
That seems like an incredible challenge. The church needs to be aware of the culture and the attitudes of today's children-the Bridgers. They are not the children we were. They learn differently, they play differently, they live differently. One of the biggest mistakes that churches and parents make in evangelism is waiting to reach adults or even teenagers. According to researchers, over 50% of Christians said they were under 13 when they became Christians.
Are we going to pay attention to these realities? The time is now. I am working on a home study for children who are interested in becoming Christians. I hope to complete something very soon that our 8 to 12 year olds can use to further pursue their faith questions and help them make life changing decisions.
In the mean time, read The Bridger Generation, and continue to pray for these children.
by Douglas F. Parsons
The word "hate" has a sort of sickening sound to it. No one likes a "hate monger." "Hate crimes" are especially despicable. Even so hate is one of those traits that we readily see in others and miss in ourselves. Hate usually ends up hurting us a lot more than the one we hate. Doug Parsons insists that the price tag for hating is too high. You can read his thoughts
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
QUOTES FROM THE CONFERENCE
THE BRIDGER GENERATION
Children's Editor
Boomers-born 1946 to 1964 - 29.5% of the American population
Busters-born 1965 to 1976 - 17% of the American population
Bridgers-born 1977 to 1994 - 27.5% of the American populationPERCEPTIONS
"The High Price of Hating"