It's great to be able to send out the newsletter again. We were in Abilene, Texas last week for the Bible Teacher's Workshop. The workshop experience was wonderful, even though Norman made an unexpected trip to the emergency room in the process. He's doing much better now.

We want to call your attention to Mr. Jim's article this week. We've talked with him about his experience at the Royal Family Kid's Camp. There's no way he can convey the depth of us feelings through mere words. We're glad to know that someone is doing something for these children, even though they need much more than what they're getting.

Our feature article deals with the subject of conflict. Marital conflict can be scary at times, but when it is positively managed it can be helpful. We wanted to share some thoughts on the difference between positive conflict and negative conflict.

Norman and Ann

Can we seriously claim that positive conflict sometimes occurs? I believe so. Something happened in our home recently that caused me to think about the nature of conflict.

A few days ago, Ann bought a new picture for our guest room. Did we actually need the picture? Ann thought we did. It's an open question with me, but since I have very little taste when it comes to home decorating, I'll just assume that we needed it. Once we acquired the picture, we both agreed that we needed to hang it. That's when conflict emerged.

We decided that the picture needed to hang in the exact center of the wall on the west side of the room. We also agreed that it would look best if the top of the picture would be hung 21 and ¼ inches from the ceiling. That was the easy part.

Then we had to decide how to find the exact center and how to make sure the top of the picture would hang at the precise distance from the ceiling and where to put the hangers. Notice that I used the plural. Would we use one hanger or two? (We used two). Would we use wire or attach the picture directly to the hangers. (We decided on attaching the picture directly to the hangers). Once we got it hung, how would we level it and more importantly, how would we know when we had it level? We had some differences of opinion about the process. They started with a discussion about where to hold the tape measure. As a matter of fact, we repeated that same conversation every time we measured. Then we had a discussion about how we would determine the exact center. I'll spare you the gory details of our polemics, but you'll probably not be surprised when I say that every step we took was contested. Each of us had to prove our points by remeasuring. To make sure we got it right, I laid the level on top of the picture. We even disagreed as to whether the bubble was completely inside the markers. We weren't way off, like half a bubble, but Ann kept insisting that the bubble leaned just a tad to the right. I thought it was "close enough for government work." Even so, we made another adjustment and we both agreed that the picture was straight.

To be quite honest, we got a little testy with each other during the process. At one point I asked a remarkably mature question, "Do you want my help or not?" She had already asked for my help, so why did I ask such a redundant question? Her response was equally astute. "If that's the way you're going to act, I'll just do it myself." We quickly recognized those comments as expressions of frustration and went back to quibbling over how to read the rule and the level. Those matters were less subjective and could be settled.

Was the conflict positive? Certainly it was. For one thing, it would have been very hard for her to hang the picture by herself. It was fairly heavy. For another, we both offered helpful suggestions at different times. But here's the way we know the conflict helped us. When we walk into that room today, neither one of us wants to change the picture's location. We don't think it's humanly possible to do a better job. We're proud of our work. In the process of exchanging opinions, we were able to accept each other's best ideas and discard those that were unworkable. Two heads were better than one.

Conflict is not always a bad thing. Acts15 records the story of a disagreement with Paul and Barnabas. Barnabas wanted to take John Mark on the second missionary journey and Paul resisted the whole idea. According to verse 39, "They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company." Several good things happened as the result of their disagreement.

1. They went in different directions and covered more territory.
   
2. They did not remain permanently alienated from each other.
   
3. Mark was given an opportunity to prove himself.
   
4. He eventually won Paul's respect. In his last letter Paul said to Timothy, "Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry" (2 Timothy 4:11). The end result of their sharp conflict was positive.

Of course conflict doesn't always end with positive results. What makes the difference? Here are a few suggestions:

• Positive conflict occurs when we treat one another with respect. Negative conflict takes place when we treat one another with contempt.
  
• Conflict can be positive when we stay focused on statements of fact. Conflict is nearly always negative when we judge another person's motives and intentions.
  
• People who deal with conflict positively use "I feel" statements. Those who engage in negative conflicts make accusatory statements.
  
• Positive conflict happens when both parties are willing to admit the possibility of error. Negative conflict happens when neither party is willing to admit being wrong about anything.
  
• Positive conflict flourishes in an atmosphere of give and take. Negative conflict increases when there's a battle for control.
  
• Positive conflict takes place when both parties listen. Negative conflict occurs when we tune one another out.

Whether conflict takes place in a marriage, in the church, in the work place or even among world leaders, most combatants are concerned about getting their way. If we can ever understand that everyone is better off when we reach solutions that are mutually beneficial, our conflicts will not be so threatening. We have to learn to value what's best over who's going to win. If Ann and I can turn a picture hanging conflict into a positive event, surely the possibility exists for the same thing to happen in other contexts.