We appreciate your response to the series on helping children cope with divorce. Responses from divorced parents have convinced us that we have not overstated the problems that children face. Many parents thought their children's lives would improve after divorce and discovered that they did not.

Just this week Karen S, Peterson published a thought-provoking article in USA Today, titled "Unhappily Ever After. She reviews the findings of Judith Wallerstein, the legendary 79-year-old psychologist whose thoughts have often appeared in our columns. Wallerstein's new book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study, came out this week. Among other things Wallerstein reveals the fact that only 40 per cent of the adult children of divorce feel confident enough to marry. Wallerstein says, " . . . my findings show people into their 30s and 40s say over and over 'The divorce is with me every day."

But for many people the divorce is an irreversible fact. Reconstructing the original marriage has no greater degree of success than trying to cram toothpaste back into the tube. How shall we deal with these people? Just write them off? We don't think so. We don't have the final word on the subject, but today we attempt to offer a few practical suggestions for divorced parents.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

1. Children should know why their parents divorced. Obviously, the explanation given to a four-year-old will be much different from the explanation given to a teenager.

2. Be careful how you talk about a former spouse. From your perspective, your former spouse may be Atilla the Hun, Frankenstein's monster and Al Capone all rolled up into one. If you portray your spouse that way to your children, they may believe you at first, but the time may well come when they realize that your view is biased and they will resent you for interfering with their ability to bond with the other parent.

3. Offer comfort when a child needs it. You may be yearning to get on with your life, but a child needs help with the hurt that is taking place. Of course children know how to be manipulative and you must be very wise to know the difference between a manipulative child and a needy child.

4. Don't over indulge a child. The parent who is not the child's primary caregiver frequently does this. Sometimes the message is "If you lived with me, I would do all these things for you that your mommy/daddy is not doing." The child is encouraged to be manipulative.

5. Maintain discipline. One of the hardest things to do is to maintain consistent discipline. Disagreements among divorced parents concerning discipline is often one of the main topics of conversation. If they can develop some general agreeable guidelines over such things as bedtime, chores, etc. life runs smoother for every one.

The two people who get a divorce will usually adjust to life. In some ways children never do. Thanksgiving and Christmas will never be the same. Adult children of divorced parents often carry regrets to their grave. We need to do everything we can to help the children of divorced families feel loved and needed.

On the bright side, there are stepparents who are accepted and loved by children. Some children look upon the tragedy in their home as a challenge and they rise to the occasion. However, we must be realistic and recognize the fact that divorce and remarriage often creates more problems than it solves.

Many families are searching for materials that will assist them in family devotions. We have addressed the subject of family devotions before and recognize how difficult it is to conduct them on a consistent basis, especially when there is a wide divergence in the age range of the children.

Gary Rowe has come up with a unique format which offers promise to a family who is serious about keeping the family in the Word of God. The Walk is organized as a journal to help people read through the Bible in a year. There are many "read-the-Bible-through-in-a-year" formats. This one is unique in that it provides opportunity for reflection. Obviously, The Walk is designed for personal study and reflection. It is an excellent tool for people who are serious about the Bible and committed to the practice of journaling. I think it might be hard to get the entire family to do all the Bible readings, 365 days a year, but I can see the possibility of periodic use of this material in a family setting.