We are back home after our week of isolation for the purpose of study. We completed a short book on the subject of family roles in the 21st century. We don't have a title that we're committed to at the moment. We've got to put some finishing touches on it and get it to a publisher. We'll let you know when and if it comes off the press.

Our time together was a pretty good test of our ability to handle the subject matter in this week's feature article. We stayed in very close proximity to one another. We were probably never apart for more than an hour at a time throughout the entire week. We are happy to report there were no serious altercations. Sometimes we vented frustration, but it was usually directed to our computers when they didn't respond they way we thought they were supposed to.

Being together in this way was a wonderful experience for both of us. We were able to accomplish a lot of things we don't have time to get done in our normal work week. It was also a great opportunity to work on deepening our relationship.

Norman and Ann

A folk song from the sixties laments the demise of a loser named, "Poor Howard." Poor Howard was sentenced to hang for murdering his wife. However, the songwriter claimed that his last words were

Nagging often destroys affection and escalates resentment between married couples. According to Proverbs 27:15, "a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day." Songsters, like the composer of "Poor Howard," choose to comment on nagging wives in their lyrics. There are enough jokes and apocryphal stories about nagging females to fill up a full-length book. However, one should not think that the nagging fraternity admits only female members. It is a universal phenomenon.

But just exactly what is nagging? What's the difference between nagging and stating an unwelcome truth? By mutual agreement we make ourselves accountable to each other. Neither of us enjoys the moment when we are actually called on to give account for the way that we behave. We would like to be able to say that we engage all the principles we advocate in the AAF newsletters and view the confrontation in an objective and dispassionate manner. We would like to say that but then we wouldn't be truthful if we did. When we hear phrases like "you didn't," "you ought to," "you need to" and "when are you going to," we both have the tendency to bristle with resentment.

So how do we maintain our commitment to mutual accountability? We take our cue from the National Football league and call for a mental replay of the confrontational conversation. More often than not we end up with another NFL response. "Upon further review,the play stands as called on the field." In other words, "You were right when you said words like, "You need to," "you should have" and "you have been neglecting." Is it possible to know when a spouse crosses the line between a "nagging statement" and an "accountability observation"? We'll let you see one of our own episodes to illustrate the difference.

Sometime ago the lower panel fell off our dishwasher. The loss of the lower panel did not affect the operation of the appliance. The dishwasher cleaned our dirty dishes as well as it ever had. Ann, however has certain aesthetic tastes, which means that she thought it looked awful. Since the panel had no effect on the dishwasher's operation, Norman put off getting it fixed.

Norman is not a mechanical genius, but he's not a klutz either. His mind is often preoccupied with more important things than trying to figure out how to attach a section of sheet metal to an appliance. From Ann's perspective, getting the panel back on the dishwasher was a symbol of order in one's life.

One day she said, "I wish you would fix the dishwasher." That's not a nagging statement; it's a frank expression of a desire. Had she progressed to "I wish you would do something about it before our company comes this weekend," she might have moved closer to the threshold of nagging. If you look at the statement objectively (and most of us rarely ever do that), it's really nothing more than the expression of a desire. The time frame turns up intensity a notch or two, but it's still just a desire.

For the sake of discussion, let's pretend that Ann took this accountability thing one level higher. What would Norman have thought had she confronted him this way? "I wish I had married a man who knows how to fix things and won't put it off. My next door neighbor's husband is a handy man around the house. He doesn't let stuff like this go. When are you ever going to learn to stop procrastinating." Most likely Norman would think she crossed the line that separates accountability and nagging.

What's the difference? When Ann is making Norman aware of the problem, expressing her desire to have him address it and even suggesting a time frame she is fulfilling her agreement to help him be a more responsible person. We both admit our need for accountability and grant the other person permission to help us understand our shortcomings. On the other hand, when she challenges his worth as a husband, compares him to a neighbor and accuses him of habitual procrastination, she questions his competence and his character. He has not given her permission to do that.

We won't leave you hanging about the dishwasher story. Norman eventually (maybe he does have a character flaw in the area of time management) got around to taking a look at the dishwasher. In Norman's mind he visualized an intricate pattern of connectors, which could be understood only by college engineering students. Besides that he figured a vital part had broken. He would have to order the part from the factory. If he placed an order, he would be notified that it has been placed on back order and he would need to plan on waiting at least at year to receive a small plastic part that would cost almost as much as the dishwasher did when it was new. None of those fears were rational. When Norman finally looked at the panel, he saw one missing screw. He had a replacement screw on hand and it took less than fifteen minutes to return the panel to its proper spot. A real handy man could have done it in five.

In the best of marriages, we need to be told some things we don't like to hear. When one partner expresses a desire for change, the verbalization of that desire should not threaten the relationship. The thought should be welcomed and honored even if you have to take advantage of the NFL review policy to see the point your partner is making. On the other hand, when we speak disparagingly of the character and abilities of our partners, we run the risk of diminished communication. Believe it or not, you can learn some things about marriage improvement even when you watch Monday night football and when you repair household appliances.

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