While preparing for a class on Active Christian Parenting, we ran across the word "askable." It struck a nerve with us. We wondered if we were "askable" during the years that our children were growing up. We feel like we're pretty askable these days. We maintain vigorous contact with our children through e-mail and long distance telephone. But it occurs to us that "askability" is not an easy skill to acquire and it's not one that parents automatically possess when their children learn to talk. Unfortunately, many of us not only grew up with "unaskable" parents, we grew up in a world where we thought it was supposed to be that way. It doesn't really work in a world with the kind of frightening temptations faced by today's young people. Parents need to work on making themselves "askable.

When our four children were growing up, we were able to make one contribution to "askability" without knowing we did it. We invested in a king-sized bed. We bought it for our own comfort. We found that it was often big enough to accommodate all six of us for a family conversation. The issues ranged from light to heavy, but somehow the kids began to think their parents were askable when they were getting ready for bed. Bedtime was sometimes delayed, but no one's health was permanently damaged as a result of losing sleep.

Norman and Ann

I'm not sure that "askability" is a word (it didn't clear my spell check). Whether it's a word or not it does describe a concept I want to discuss. Over the past few weeks, I've been going over the Active Christian Parenting curriculum (Minneapolis. Ausburg Fortress, 1995) with a group of young parents. At one point the curriculum discussed communication blocks and parents are urged to set a goal of becoming "askable parents." An askable parent is defined as "someone whose opinion the child will ask for." That becomes a pretty important dynamic as our children advance in age and have to deal with things like friend selection, drugs, careers, life companions, etc.

I was thinking about a commercial I've been hearing on the radio. A woman talks about all the things her daughter wanted to share with her in early childhood. In puzzled amazement she asks, "So why didn't she come to me the first time someone tried to pass her a joint?" Good question and one that needs to be countered with another question. Are you sure you were an askable parent?

"Askability" has to be one of the most important components of communication because an askable parent is a trusted parent. We aren't born askable. If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a home with parents who welcomed your questions, then you may well have learned the skill by observation. Many of us grew up in a world where the prevailing philosophy was "Children are to be seen and not heard." Parents never thought it was important be "askable." We weren't considered old enough, wise enough or mature enough to even ask intelligent questions and our opinions were even more suspect. Children often found themselves continually rebuffed by such statements as "You'll understand it better when you get older;" "I'm busy right now and I don't have time for such foolishness;" "Don't worry about things like that, they aren't important; and "I don't know why don't you go ask your mother?" So who did they ask? Usually, they asked their peers. Do you ever wonder why some children are so heavily influenced by their peers? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. They are "askable."

We deter askabilty when we

1. belittle.
   
2. ridicule.
   
3. condescend.
   
4. ignore.
   
5. reject.
   
6. discourage.
   
7. avoid.

We encourage askability when we

1. listen.
   
2. encourage.
   
3. praise.
   
4. understand.
   
5. assist.
   
6. accept
   
7. share

The Bible speaks clearly about a father's responsibility to his child. In Colossians 3:21, Paul wrote, "Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." People who lack the trait of "askability" run the risk of embittering and discouraging their children. We don't think you can be a responsible parent in today's world if you aren't "askable."

Off and on for fourteen years I had at least one small child to cope with during worship services. At one time for a few years I had three small ones under the age of four. Perhaps the word "cope" may not seem applicable but that is precisely what it turns out to be: a coping situation. It can be trying, exasperating, nerve wracking and surprising to name a few. Surprising, especially when the little one behaves so well that you get to hear a few points from the sermon.

I said that "I" had to cope because Norman was preaching during the services and it was my responsibility to take care of the children alone. Many single moms or women, whose husbands do not worship with them, know exactly what I am talking about. It really doesn't matter in what situation you find yourself, I feel the suggestions that I have to make will be helpful.

If you have several small children below the age of four and a baby, please leave your baby in the nursery, if it is available. Then you can spend time teaching your older children how to behave during the assembly. At Southern Hills we have a program called "Pewpackers" that is geared to teach children good behavioral patterns for the assembly. However, this type of program will not do all the teaching and training that your children need. To teach your children what to do and how to conduct themselves during the worship period can sometimes be very difficult. The first thing you need to remember is that a child will mimic what you and/or your spouse do during that time. Remember the old saying, "I'd rather see a sermon as to hear one any day," applies in this situation as well. Children "read" what you do much more than they hear what you say. They will also mirror your attitude. Many times when children misbehave it is because things aren't good at home. Mom had a bad morning and is in a bad mood when you get to assembly; you were late and Dad was angry. All of these things affect each family member's attitude during worship and especially the children.

You are well aware when a child cries loudly during services, drops a song book or some other loud occurrence. No one has to get up in the pulpit and tell you about it. A bulletin article only makes you want to stay away from the assembly. You really need to be encouraged and praised for bringing your children to worship God. I personally commend you highly and I know that God smiles and is honored when you bring your children to His house to learn about Him and Jesus. I want to make you feel good and hopefully some of these suggestions will be helpful.

First of all, take advantage of all the programs that are available: ie-nursery, children's worship, training classes for little ones and classes. If your congregation doesn't have any of these programs, take the initiative and look into starting one or more of them to help with training children. When I had three little ones under the age of four there were times that I wondered why in the world do I even bother to go to church. I never got anything out of the service and spent most of my time corralling all three of them. I was blessed to have a wonderful nursery program, well staffed and with a focus on training and teaching. One day I came to the realization that what I was doing was very important. My children were learning that it was important to go to church and worship God. I was setting the proper example not only to my children, but also to other mothers and their children.

These are some other helpful suggestions that I want to offer. If your child takes a morning nap and has a special blanket or toy he sleeps with, bring it. It will help him or her to feel secure. Also, if your child has a morning snack, bring small containers of their favorite cereal or non-messy snack. Crackers, candy or cookies create crumbs and tend to be messy. Numerous books and catalogues can be brought that will hold your child's attention. Please don't bring paper and pencils unless you watch the children closely. Pencils and crayons soil clothes and damage songbooks. Bring a lap desk for your older children so they have something solid on which to place their work. Bring silent toys and playthings so as not to disturb the others sitting around you.

If your child becomes upset during the service, please take them out of the sanctuary to calm them. Many times they become more upset when they realize that people are watching them. Take them to a quiet place and give them time to get control of their emotions.

When I look back to those fourteen years of training and then look at all four of my children today I am very thankful that I "stuck" with the training. To see them involved in God's service in many ways is truly a blessing. I now have my reward and I look forward to the one I will receive from my Heavenly Father.

It is my prayer that some of these ideas will be helpful to young mothers and dads, too. May God richly bless and strengthen you as you strive to rear your little ones "in His knowledge and grace." It is a great challenge and one of the most rewarding in the world.