Being a family isn't easy these days. We hear all kinds of competing messages that scream for our attention. We're bombarded with representatives of commercial enterprise who want to sell us something that will be good for ourselves and our families. Rarely does anyone address the need to make sure God is at the heart and core of our family concerns. Our devotion to God needs to affect every decision we make including family recreation, family goals, education choices, family activities and management of family differences. We are tempted to think that other needs are more pressing right now. We'll get our families on track with God as soon as we can get current pressures behind us. But it never happens. You just have to stop dead in your tracks right where you are and make room for God. Over the next four weeks, we want to share some thoughts with you about how to help our families grow.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

It is important for us to grow in many areas of life. It is recorded that " . . . Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52). Notice that Jesus grew in favor with God. We cheat our families when we fail to make provision for family spiritual growth.

Some parents consume most of their available time away from work to make sure their children play on sports teams, participate in music lessons, get to all their medical and dental appointments. They visit amusement parks, eat together in nice restaurants and do all sorts of "family things" together. All of these are good things, but sometimes God is either not included in family activities or He's relegated to a lower priority.

Why Spiritual Growth is Important

The most basic truth about our existence is the fact that we are created in the image of God. In the very first chapter of the Bible, the author of Genesis described our fundamental relationship to God. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27).

We don't fulfill our purpose on this earth unless we bring glory to God and to his Son. Some ancient people were rejected by God because, ". . . they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened." That's a sobering thought for people who live in a world that's driven by economic values.

Biblical Priorities Given the Family Spiritual Growth

Paul recognized the importance of the sexual union in marriage. Sex was never to be used as a weapon in a struggle for power. Husbands and wives should freely submit to each other's conjugal desires. However, there was one exception. There was only one time when sexual abstinence was recommended and that involved attention being given to a couple's spiritual growth. Paul wrote, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Joint prayer guides the behavior of husband's toward their wives.

Too many husbands view the Bible's submission passages as a license to dictate. However when you look at the total Biblical portrait of a Godly husband, you will discover that he is a man who treats his wife considerately. There is a clear connection between considerate treatment and a husband's relationship to his God. "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

God has always placed a priority on sharing the faith with our children.

Under the law of Moses, family spiritual education was as much a parental responsibility as putting food on the table. The law is quite clear, "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates." Notice that talking about God's commands was integrated with every aspect of life - sitting at home, walking along the road, lying down and getting up. It was as normal as drinking water. In the New Testament, spiritual education is still a major function of the home. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

We live in a day and time when the concept of family is under-valued by the prevailing culture. On the one hand we have people who hold the family in disdain. They consider it archaic and irrelevant to the best interests of society. At another level, we have endured a sustained barrage of rhetoric which attempts to redefine the family to include anyone who wants to live together whether they have any kind of commitment to each other or not. Perhaps the most insidious enemy of the family is the competition for time. The pressures of business and other cares of this world take precedence over quality family time spent together.

In next week's newsletter we will begin talking about taking deliberate steps to implement spiritual growth in the family.

Years ago when I was training as a marriage and family therapist, I had the opportunity to observe a most unfortunate interaction between a mother and her 12-year-old son. As I watched this mom relish her "wins" with this broken child, she was losing the war. Instead of being her child's advocate, she was his adversary and in each of their interactions there was a winner and a loser. When this mother had the child in a position where he had to face a consequence for his behavior, she gloated. Literally, a smile of one-up-man-ship would come over her face as she watched him wilt before her eyes. Sometimes she actually uttered a chuckle. Where this child is now, I shudder to think. It would be highly unlikely that this mom won the war.

This mom's core problem was her own inner emptiness. Because she was so empty, it was crucial for her to be seen as the parent, for her to be recognized and acknowledged as the one wielding the power. Dr. David Lewis, et al., in their book Dying to Tell describes this kind of parent and likens him/her to the Pharisees. Just as the Pharisees had to declare themselves as the righteous ones in authority, the authoritarian parent must declare himself/herself as the right one in authority. In each parental interaction, the authoritarian parent must define the status of the relationship. That is, the authoritarian parent is the ruler and the child is subject to this ruler. It is because of the authoritarian parent's emptiness that this validating status of the relationship must be declared. Obedience is sought, not to benevolently train the child, but to validate the parent.

Lewis, et al., compare the Pharisees and their wielding of power to the authority exercised by Jesus. The authoritativeness of Jesus was "expressed in loving compassionate ways," whereas the "authority-loving scribes and Pharisees used their power to intimidate others." The difference is the fullness and confidence of the authoritative parent versus the emptiness and fear of the authoritarian parent. This same emptiness drove the scribes and Pharisees. Lewis, et al., state, "Ironically, the scribes' very exercise of power indicated to the people that their teachers lacked real authority," - EMPTY.

When a parent is truly aware of his/her worth in Jesus and the awesome responsibility of training this child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, an overt defining of the terms of the relationship is unnecessary and diametrically opposed to the desired goal. Yes, I believe whole-heartedly that parents are to be in charge. Parents are to set firm limits and have definite consequences in place when those limits are violated. The only effective manner in which this training can be done is through authoritative parenting.

The authoritative parent requires obedience, but it is for the benefit of the child. The message of discipline is always given with compassion, not with gloating and one-up-man-ship. Foster Cline and Jim Fay have a series of books on parenting and grand parenting with the theme of Parenting with Love and Logic. This theme is the title of one of their books and is included in the titles of their other books. This idea of parenting with love and logic is a wonderful example of authoritative parenting with compassion.

One of the core points of parenting with love and logic is giving consequences with sorrow. This is one of the main things I work on with parents. Have the consequence in place. Give the consequence, but administer it with compassion and sorrow. This way you become your child's advocate and not his adversary. Advocates are authoritative.

As Jim and I parented our three children, we failed at this many times. But there is one situation where we obtained a solid level of authoritative parenthood expressed with compassion. Our son was just a few months from being able to take his driving test here in Louisiana. At that time he could get his license when he turned 15 years of age. Well, Jamey was also bringing home some atrocious grades. Jim and I were in turmoil with each other and with him over this issue. Finally we came to our senses and decided to act like authoritative parents instead of helpless, out-of-control, confused parents. We attached his privilege of getting his driver's license to his making acceptable grades. Anything below a "C" on his report card would result in delaying his driver's license for six weeks. Well, he was delayed several months, but the most important change we made as parents is that we were able to become his advocate and administer the consequence with sorrow. When that report card came in, we very calmly said, "Well, Jamey, we're sorry Babe, but you know what that means." He knew. There was no quarreling. We did not need any validation as to our position as parent. We were now acting like parents.

Oh, yeah. And how did our story turn out? It was summertime before he received his driver's license and a form of the same rule stayed in effect for the next year. A grade below a "C" would put the driver's license up for six weeks. That year he stayed on the "B" Honor Roll.

We were the parents. We did not need that to be acknowledged or validated. Our only purpose was to train our son for his benefit. A parent by any other name: