This is an unusual week for us. The church we serve is celebrating its fortieth anniversary this weekend. Our church family is pulling out all the stops to welcome former members to share this two-day celebration with us. Norman wrote some thoughts about our homecoming that we will share in this week's newsletter.

We are also continuing with the series on "Helping Your Family Grow." In today's episode, we attempt to identify some of the obstacles that get in the way of building meaningful family relationships.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

Peter reminds us that we can't be prepared for spiritual warfare unless we are self-controlled and alert. Military units post sentries to watch for the first signs of hostile enemy action. If we're going to fight for the family, we have to learn how to do the same thing.

The scriptures clearly teach the importance of understanding the enemy and his tactics. In Ephesians 6, Paul encouraged Christians to " . . . put on the full armor of God, so that you can stand against the devil's schemes" (verse 11). How does the enemy attack the home? Here are some tactics to look out for.

• Time pressure

  . We have the same amount of time we've always had - 24 hours a day. No one has figured out a way to cram in a 25th hour. We often complain that we "don't have enough time." We ought to be honest and admit that either we don't know how to manage our time or we lack the necessary discipline (Don't forget that Peter used the term "self-control") to make time for our families.

  It's not always a choice between good and evil when it comes to time management. Sometimes it's a choice between what's good and what's better. If we give up significant, unrepeatable time with the family in order to do "good things," have we really made wise choices?

  If it is true that we cannot manufacture any new time, then it is also true that we cannot retrieve any lost time. Someone has said, "Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; only today is ready cash.

• Confused ideas about what a family is supposed to be.

  The devil has done an effective job of muddying the water on this one. The definition of family has been redefined, revised and rehashed to the point that everyone who feels a sense of common interest has come to be called family. O. K. We'll play the game, too. Admittedly, we think of the church as family (though not without Biblical justification - see 1 Timothy 3:16). Business groups, sports teams and college alumni groups all tend to think of themselves as family. We are concerned, when family is so loosely defined, that two married people, who live together with their kids are made to feel as if their family is abnormal.

  Divorce certainly confuses the concept of family. Several years ago, a man asked Norman to have a talk with his son, who was in trouble with the law. In conversation with the young man, Norman made the mistake of referring to the boy's father. He quickly corrected the terminology. The boy said, "He's not my father. He's my step-father." As things turned out, some of the problem involved the stepfather attempting to step into a father's role and finding himself rejected in the process.

• Poor Role Models

  . All humans are flawed. That's a given. There are no perfect husbands, no perfect wives, no perfect parents. But is it too much to ask us to be people of integrity? Shouldn't we be able to develop some relationship skills with the passage of time? At the very least we all have the capacity for confession and repentance. Why can't we say to our children, "I blew it this time; I'll try to set a better example next time." Our children learn far more from what they see us do than they do from the advice we give them. In Colossians 3:21, Paul wrote, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."

  Many years ago, the tragic story of Willie Loman was told in the play, Death of a Salesman. At one level, he appeared to be the ideal family man, but there were secrets in his life, secrets that exposed him as less than an ideal family man. Nothing can be more discouraging to a child than having to face the fact that their parents lack integrity.

• Misplaced priorities

  . Our youngest son played football in junior high school. Some of the games were on Saturday morning. Along with many other parents, we were in attendance at the Saturday morning games. One particular weekend, a nearby major university played on the same Saturday. The game actually started in the morning in order to satisfy television commitments. Some of the junior high parents were season ticket holders and they missed their sons' game. While we were sitting in the stands, a father who chose his son's game said, "If you went to the college game, while you're boy plays here, you've got your priorities mixed up." We would have to say that he was correct in that observation. We need to accept the fact that our priorities will be challenged. The temptation to become involved in activities that require us to put our families on the back burner is going to take place. When that happens, you must stop and ask yourself, "Is this opportunity more important than the opportunity to improve my relationship with my family?"

• A Romanticized View of What Families Are Supposed to Be

  . Many people still cling to the notion that typical families should be like the families from the TV sitcoms of the fifties, or maybe even the later revised version in the Brady Bunch series. We came to adulthood in the fifties and our families were never like those in the sitcoms. For one thing, neither of our fathers wore suits to work and our mothers didn't wear freshly starched dresses, except maybe on Sundays. Our furniture was old and our father's drove used cars. We knew other families who lived in more affluent circumstances, but as we grew older we realized that their families weren't ideal any more than ours were. To make it as a family, you've got to alternately pass through times of joy and sadness, celebration and mourning, hostility and peace making, disappointment and surprise. If you want a media version of what the family is really like, our candidate is not the Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best or Ozzie and Harriet. Loretta Lynn probably described it best in a 1970s country song, "Here in Topeka, one needs a huggin,' one needs a spankin' and one's on the way.

• Great Expectations About Future Family Happiness

  . Remember the late Harry Chapin's song? It was the one about the dad who kept putting off his son's request for time spent together. The dad kept saying, "We'll have a good time then son, we'll have a good time then." Maybe that's the thing that frustrates us so much about our families. The good times are always out there in some undefined future moment. While we agree with M. Scott Peck when he suggests that we need to learn now the art of waiting for delayed gratification, the fact remains that we need to learn to enjoy the good things that are happening now. Take for example, the child who sits on your lap and gives you an opportunity to read a story. If you don't learn to enjoy that experience right now, you may never "have a good time then." Every day we are presented with wonderful opportunities to enjoy our families. We need to seize those moments and savor them.

Thomas Wolfe's novel, You Can't Go Home Again, was published two years after his death in 1940. Over the years numerous authors have alternately challenged and accepted his thesis. Our church's homecoming celebration gives me an opportunity to weigh in on the subject.

In some ways I think he was right. Last summer I stopped by my hometown for a few hours. I walked through the grocery store - the largest business in town - and didn't see a single familiar face. After visiting my parents' graves, I took a walk through the cemetery and saw dozens of familiar names on the tombstones. Had I chosen to speak to them, they could not have answered. I realized it was certainly impossible to return to the home town I once knew.

But then there are those times like this coming Sunday, when we will visit, reminisce and worship with folks we have known from the past. At times like these we share stories that tend to get better with each passing year. We argue about who shows their age the most and who has gained the most weight. We hug, laugh, tease and cry. We try in vain to remember names. We ask questions like "Where do you live now?" "What are you doing these days?" "Where do your children live?" For two days, we're back home renewing old relationships and reliving pleasant memories of the past. Anybody who brings up garbage from the past is out of line on this day. Thomas Wolfe's novel title really doesn't describe the people who will gather at Southern Hills on Sunday. You see these folks have come home again, even if it's only for a couple of days.

But that's the sad part. We'll nod in agreement with Thomas Wolfe on Monday as we make our way back to our current domiciles. It will never make a book cover, but the correct way to say it is, "You Can Go Home Again, But Not for Long."

Yet there is an ultimate homecoming that far exceeds this one. We don't actually have a home on this earth. Paul said, ". . . as long as we are at home in the body, we are away from the Lord" ( 2 Corinthians 5:6). On Sunday, we will enjoy homecoming in celebration of the church's 40th anniversary. Perhaps we'll have another one when the church has been here 50 years, but the homecoming that really counts is the one we look forward to when we are "clothed with our heavenly dwelling." That's when we'll really go "home."