"You made me love you. I didn't wanna do it; I didn't wanna do it. You made me feel blue, and all the time I guess you knew it . . . You made me happy; you made me glad. And there were those times, dear, you made me feel so sad . . . Gimme gimme gimme what I cry for; you know you got the kind of kisses that I'd die for. You know you made me love you," proclaims the singer from several decades ago. Wow, there is blame and pain and dependency and victimization, but we want it. Kingdoms and fortunes have been traded for it.

The phenomenon called "falling in love" is the "it" in the above paragraph. What creates the intense emotions in this state of being? What is really going on with us in this process? In a pamphlet titled "So Your Happily Ever After Isn't," the following criteria for romance are identified:

1. Somewhat insecure - unsure of the absolute love and devotion of the other.
   
2. Love object is a little bit strange or unpredictable.
   
3. There are barriers to your encounters.
   
4. There are limits on the time you can spend together.

The above criteria are the ingredients for the ecstasy and intensity of romantic love. Compare these to a list of characteristics of successful long-term marriages compiled by Francine Klagsbrun, author of Married People: Staying Together in the Age of Divorce.

1. An ability to change and to tolerate change
2. A willingness to live with the things one cannot change
   
3. An assumption of permanence in the relationship
   
4. Trust between the partners
   
5. A balance of depending on one another
   
6. A balance of power
   
7. Enjoyment of each other
   
8. A shared history that is cherished

There is no mention of the ecstasy and intensity of romantic love. Yet, for most of us, it is the first set of descriptions which lure us to the altar though none of us would describe our relationships in that manner.

Another thought on the matter is that we "fall in love" with potential. I have a cartoon displayed in my office. In it are two women, a blonde and a brunette, sitting at a table. They are discussing the date the brunette had the night before. The blonde asks, "So how did your date go last night?" The brunette replies, "Well, we didn't have much in common and he slugged the waiter, but I think it's got potential."

Or is it the opportunity for us to marry someone through whom we can master old fears? Perhaps, as other theorists allege, our attraction is based on a "need to wipe out old pains or to settle old scores." (Systemic Family Therapy by W.C. Nichols and C.A. Everett, p. 155)

Genesis 26:34-35 and Genesis 28:6-9 paint another picture of the motivation to choose a mate. Esau married a Canaanite woman to anger his parents.

Whatever is behind this euphoric event of "falling in love," for all of us it is short-lived. There must be more to the selection of a mate than the desperation described at the beginning of this writing. A responsible approach to selecting a mate will be the topic of my next few articles.