Most of us prefer talking to listening. That's probably because we place have a high regard for our own opinions and viewpoints. However, some of the most astute people we know actually talk very little. If they're gathered in a room full of people who talk on and on, they will rarely interject their own thoughts. However when they do, it pays to listen to what they have to say. Sometimes they say more in a single sentence than others do in several paragraphs. One of those quiet fellows shares his reason for speaking little and listening much. He said, "I rarely learn anything when I'm talking. I learn a great deal more when I'm listening." How much wiser we would all be if we adopted his philosophy.

When we talk with groups about marriage and family, there seems to be more interest in communication than in any other subject discuss. Unfortunately, most people think better communication means making smarter word choices. It's great to work on your vocabulary skills, but it is better to work on your listening skills. That's the subject of our thoughts in the next couple of newsletters.

Norman and Ann

Most of us like to talk, but listening? We-l-l-l that's another story. William James once said "There is no greater lie than a truth misunderstood." Listening doesn't come naturally. It is an acquired skill, one that is acquired only through deliberate effort.

In their book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Doctors Les and Leslie Parrott said, "Communication is the lifeblood of marriage." Several years ago, we attended a marriage enrichment seminar with a number of other couples. We asked the other couples, "What did you find most helpful about the seminar?" Without exception they said they were helped most by the discussions that dealt with communication. Some therapists believe that all married people miscommunicate as much as 20 % of the time. Failure to listen has to be one of the primary reasons for miscommunication in marriage and all other human relationships.

It has been said that listening is the "cornerstone of all communication." Sometimes honest listening can be enormously painful, but if you're willing to listen with an open mind the exercise will lead you out of your self-centeredness. You may not agree with the things you have heard, but you will be forced to reconsider your attitudes. If it starts you down the road toward the development of a wholesome relationship, the discipline of listening will surely be worth all the pain and trouble it caused you. You may even experience a sense of freedom, knowing you have broken loose from your pride, fear and self-centeredness.

Many of us filter the things other people say to us through our own prejudices, opinions and feelings. We find it difficult to listen because we second-guess other people. Married couples often do this by refusing to allow a partner to put a period on the end of a sentence. The author of Proverbs exposed the flaw of second guessing when wrote, "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame. What a shame - yes how stupid to decide before knowing the facts." (Proverbs 18:12 - Living Bible Paraphrased).

Most often we fail to listen because we think we might be threatened by what we hear. In marriage, we often fear the other person's suggestion for change. We think it will somehow erode our individual liberty. Worse yet, we fear the loss of control. Sometimes we may think, "If I really listen to my spouse, my worst faults will be exposed."

If you don't listen to your spouse you are saying that you really don't want to know what your spouse thinks or feels. It is an indication of your lack of love. It represents a refusal to display common decency and respect toward the person you promise to "love and cherish till death do us part." You need to practice the art of listening for two reasons: (1) to show respect for your spouse and (2) to meet you own basic needs. Maybe the second reason seems like a bit of a stretch at first glance, but consider the thoughts of Dr. William Glasser. He said, "At all times in our lives we must have at least one person who cares about us and who we care for ourselves. If we do not have this essential person, we will not be able to fulfill our basic needs." Listening is vital to the development of a caring relationship with the person who helps you meet your essential needs.

In the 1970's movie, "I Never Sang For My Father," two adult children in their 40's are depicted. One, the daughter, declares she has moved across the country to escape her family's influence. If it is because of her family that she moves thousands of miles away, is she really making choices free of their influence? Hardly! The other, a loyal and faithful son, gives himself totally to winning his father's approval. This loyal son is also not making his own choices.

At the end of the movie the narrator makes the following comment: "Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor's mind toward some resolution, which it may never find."

Whether our parents are living or deceased that desired "resolution" seems to be the most dominant force behind the mate selection most of us make. Just as the daughter in the aforementioned movie erroneously believed she was making an independent choice, so it is as we each believe we have fallen in love and are making a choice based on that love. The real motivation for choosing a mate is buried deep within our subconscious selves, that 80% of our psyche that is below the surface of our awareness.We have a need to repeat old patterns and "resolve" them.

Paul Meier, et al., authors of Love is a Choice, call this compulsion to repeat previous patterns, "the homing instinct." As I visit with couples who are struggling in their marriages, I often draw up a genogram, a map of each partner's family of origin. I have yet to draw up a genogram in which I do not find the repeating of the hurtful pattern which has brought the couple to therapy. Often there will be new issues added to the old issues, but the basis of the old issues will be there. Meier, et al., describe the repeating of patterns this way: "If I can be the perfect, perfect mate, I can somehow fix my spouse. Thereby I can realize the failed childhood fantasy that if I were the perfect, perfect child, I could somehow fix my original family."

That is the basis of our attraction. We find someone with whom we can act out old patterns of interaction. Abandonment, rejection, unacceptability, over-responsibility, care-taking, loneliness, criticism are just a few of the issues which energize the repetition of patterns. These patterns are acted out in affairs, alcoholism, workaholism, or some other chosen addiction. Most often the addiction of choice is one that can be identified throughout several generations.

Following are other authors who endorse the same thought: W.C. Nichols and C.A. Everett, authors of Systemic Family Therapy, say it this way: "individuals seek out what is familiar when they seek close interpersonal relationships. Each partner brings not only the ways of believing, thinking, valuing, and acting from the family of origin but also issues in relating that were not resolved in the family of origin. There is no such thing as completely free choice in selecting a mate."

James L. Framo, author of Family-of-Origin Therapy, refers to an emotional radar which is used to select a mate. This is a reference to that 80% of us that make choices from our subconscious selves. Framo states that we choose a partner "who, it is hoped, will enable one to cancel out, replicate, control, master, live through, or heal" what could not be resolved previously.

The core of our search is a yearning for unconditional love, which none of us received perfectly from our childhood caretakers. A loving heavenly father is the only source of the healing love we each seek.

When I am visiting with someone who has already had several failed relationships, I often caution them to recognize an immediate attraction to a person of the opposite sex as a red flag that danger may lie ahead. We are creatures of habit, creatures drawn to familiarity with a "homing instinct." In the next few articles I will give suggestions and information for making a real choice rather than fulfilling a repetition compulsion.

The title sounds rather ominous doesn't it? Although we avidly believe in the Second Coming of Christ, our site has never delved in the speculations about the nature of the program to be enacted upon the return of our Lord. "The Mark on the Forehead" deals with a subject that affects our daily walk with God, especially our need to repent. I'll give you a hint. It doesn't have a thing to do with Revelation 13. You can read about it