We're giving you a double-barreled treatment on the subject of listening in this week's newsletter. We share the second episode of our two part series, "Did You Hear It Right?" We are also pleased to introduce you to Tom Childers of Freed-Hardeman University in Henderson, Tennessee. He has written a thought-provoking essay on wisdom in human relationships. Guess what? Tom thinks you have to listen before you can react wisely to any situation involving human conflict. We are happy to commend his thoughts to you. We also wish we had been wiser on picture taking occasions, while raising our offspring.

We are happy to welcome several new subscribers to the AAF newsletter. Diane Sollee was nice enough to reprint Mikal's article from last week and several of you signed on with us after reading Mikal's thoughts. That reminds us of two matters that are often subjects of inquiry.

1. Reprints. We allow reprints of anything that appears in the newsletter provided it isn't marketed commercially and if the article is not copyrighted. In our four plus years of sending out the newsletter, we've never published over three or four copyrighted articles. If you want to use a copyrighted article, you need to contact the author.

2. Back Issues. Quite often our readers ask for back issues. We have a very small editorial staff (basically the two of us). We don't have the manpower needed to honor all such requests. However, all of our back issues are posted at our website. Simply go to our website and click on "Previous." Our website URL is

Choose Your Words Carefully

We've all heard the cliché, "Actions speak louder than words." The statement is true enough, but words aren't totally useless. Eric Hoffer once said "Action can give us the feeling of being useful, but only words can give us a sense of weight and purpose." At some point actions have to be interpreted and words provide us with our best available interpretation tool. Some people try to communicate with grunts and groans. Others attempt to do it with finger pointing, but words are much more effective than either one of those dubious communication techniques. Words enable us to express ideas, feelings, viewpoints and encouragement.

A friend of mine recently lamented a shortcoming that most of us have experienced at one time or another. He said, "My mouth and my brain don't work together very well." James H. Jauncey once described speech as "the messenger of personality." But, some of us have a tendency to talk more than we need to. Our parents labored diligently to teach us how to talk and spent the rest of our childhood days trying to get us to learn how to keep quiet.

By itself speech is neutral. When the spoken (or written) word is allowed to erupt from one's mouth without careful thought, we inhibit the free flow of communication. Harsh responses, judgmental reactions, cynical put downs and self perceived cute put downs all indicate that we are more interested in stating our viewpoint than we are in listening to someone else's point of view. Poorly chosen words build walls of hostility, shut down communication and discourage listening. When we attempt family communication, we would do well to imbed Paul's exhortation to the Ephesians into our thinking. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

Become Genuinely Interested In The Likes and Dislikes Of Others.

Married couples need to make sure they know the preferences of their partners. Can you name your spouse's favorite color, flower, food, music, restaurants? If you want to improve the quality of your relationship with another person, all you have to do is spend an evening discussing that person's interests. Several years ago, I rode in the car on a long automobile trip with several other persons. There was one person in the car, which I did not like, but I had to spend about seven hours in the car with her. She began talking about her life, her interests and her values. By the end of the trip, I realized I had judged her on the basis of superficial knowledge. I found her to be a likable person after I got to know her. If you want to get communication flowing, start with listening to others talk about the things that are important to them.

Too often we listen like high school debaters. We search for flaws in our mates' reasoning. Of course we tell ourselves that we are really doing this for our partners' own good. We want to save them the experience of being embarrassed in front of their friends. We may even expect them to thank us for our willingness to help them see the flaws in their reasoning. Perhaps it does work that way on occasion. We nearly always do that to each other when we put our thoughts in print. On the other hand we should not delude ourselves into thinking that intimacy is built when we only listen with critical ears.

Respond With Honest Praise.

We're not asking you to lie. We're not asking you to compromise your integrity. We're simply asking you to give positive, honest feedback. Too often we listen with critical ears. We focus on fault finding. Perhaps we subconsciously think that our own positions of importance will be improved if we keep reminding our partners of their inferiority. We resort to name calling, belittling our mates, questioning our partners' intelligence, making derogatory comments about their appearance. We develop a repertoire of negative comments like "That's the dumbest idea you've ever come up with in all the years I've known you" or "You probably hold the world's record for stupid ideas." Then we wonder why we can't have productive communication

We all need to be affirmed by those who are closest to us. When was the last time you praised your spouse? A good listener has to break the fault finding habit and substitute affirmation in its place. One good way to begin this process is to invite your partner to "Tell me the best thing you've ever done" and then genuinely listen to the response. Listen with your eyes, your face and your body as well as your ears.

Several years ago, John Drakeford wrote a book titled, The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear." What a remarkable title! A person who is willing to become a skilled listener has far more power when it comes to relationship building, than a highly trained, articulate orator. Years ago, we heard someone make the following observation. "God gave us two ears and one mouth. That suggests we ought to spend twice as much time listening as we do talking." If you really want to communicate with the people who are closest to you, the wisest thing you can possibly do is learn how to become a better listener.

Things are not always what they seem. Like most ministers, Norman has heard many tales of woe from those who hope the church will provide them something they want. Sometimes the stories are true and the need is legitimate. Most often it is not. Norman remembers a time when he almost didn't return a message left on the answering machine. You can read about it