"A FITTING GIFT"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
At the writing of this article, we are exactly one week from Christmas Day 2000. I still have some shopping to do. In fact, I just called a ladies store to order something for my daughter-in-law, but they are out of stock. I have other ideas and I will keep looking.
On Christmas Eve when I was a child, I can remember hearing bells outside and my sister and I, and any other children in the house, made a beeline for bed as we knew that was a signal that Santa was close by. We had to be in bed "fast asleep" before he would stop and unload our presents. When our grandchildren are at our house for Christmas, we still hear those bells. (The bells work like magic.)
A couple of weeks ago, my husband Jim, was driving back from Abilene, Texas to our home in Louisiana. He went through Arlington, Texas, to bring a surprise from my sister to my virtually bed-ridden mother. Mother was elated and filled with questions wondering what my sister was sending. Presents have always held intriguing mystery and excitement for my mom. It was a dancing, musical Santa and she has thoroughly enjoyed it.
Yes, Christmas is exciting - the lights, the music, the shopping and the beautifully wrapped gifts. But I submit to you that there is one gift you can give your loved ones during this holiday season that will be a valuable investment in them and you. That gift is a word of appreciation.
Several years ago a now much cited study of one hundred healthy families in Oklahoma found one common denominator in healthy families. That common denominator was that members of highly functioning families really liked one another and they could express the value they felt for one another. They could express appreciation one for another.
Cynthia Tobias has authored a book titled, Do You Know What I Like About You? In this book she discusses the power of identifying a strength or positive trait to a child. A few months ago I had an opportunity to realize the importance of these words. Both of my grandsons were visiting. The younger did something that was just hilarious and, laughing, I grabbed him up and said, "Oh Austin, you make Germodder laugh." The older grandson was definitely within earshot and he asked, "Germodder, do I make you laugh?" Well, I certainly did not waste anytime hugging and validating him and telling him times he had made me laugh. And now, these words from Ms. Tobias are words I intentionally use with both my grandsons.
The holiday season is upon us and families are making plans for coming together. With these plans come many expectations. Celia Falicov writes about the expectations and disappointments of Christmas in her book Family Transitions. She likens the anticipation to a psychological pregnancy. She says, "The nest is symbolically refeathered and special food prepared
for the arrival of the new symbolic baby." This baby is the long awaited expectation of family completing itself, --- wholly protecting, loving, and nurturing(AAF Newsletter, Volume 1, Number 48). Ms. Falicov acknowledges the joy that is present at this time, yet she identifies an accompanying experience of "something lost or missed," - a disappointment. Ms. Falicov further describes this sadness as "a desperate feeling that there may not be enough new hope." We may again experience disappointment. Ms. Falicov concludes, "And always, at the end there is the loneliness. The warmth of renewed closeness is replaced by the pain of distance or indifference."
Whether it is the gift I find for my daughter-in-law, the packages left by St. Nick, or the dancing Santa, they each carry the expectation of satisfaction. None of these gifts, however, will answer the ache in our souls. We all have a burning question of "Do I matter? Am I valuable? Do I make you laugh, Germodder?" Expressing genuine appreciation for each and every one of your loved ones during this holiday season will go further than any material gift you can buy. The words of appreciation
will be remembered longer than any piece of merchandise. This message of appreciation can soothe the ache of inevitable disappointment.
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PERCEPTIONS
"No Rules"
by Jerry Hodge
Have you ever wondered what the game of football would be like if there were no rules? Imagine the frustration a defensive player might feel if he were allowed to move the sideline a couple of feet to avoid being tackled. While fans might disagree with an official's call when he throws a flag to indicate pass interference, the game would be unplayable if pass interference were never called. Think about the chaos that would erupt in a baseball game if a pitcher were allowed the privilege of determining the strike zone. Would you really enjoy a game if a batter were allowed a fourth strike because he's not good at hitting curve balls? You get the idea; we must have rules. God's word has standards. Our friend Jerry Hodge has given some thought to the prospect of living in a world without rules. You can read his thoughts
at
http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200048.html
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.
org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org