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Volume 5 Number 48       December 20, 2000       Norman Bales, Editor

CONTENTS

Just Visiting

We are nearing the end of our fifth year of publication. We started publishing a weekly e-mail newsletter in January 1996. Since that time we have survived viruses, server crashes, two surgeries and many lesser hindrances, but we have not missed putting out a newsletter in any single week. That's about to change. We are going to skip next week. We are planning to spend the Christmas holidays with our son, his wife and two children. He serves in the United States Army and is currently stationed at a post of duty in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. We plan to join them there. Our daughter, who lives in Indianapolis, also plans to be with us. It's not that difficult to send the newsletter out, but we have a mailing list of more than 3,000 subscribers. As the mailing list has grown, so has the need for daily maintenance of the list. Ann takes care of most of the tech work. We still have Vic to help us out when we get into deep trouble, but Ann does the daily stuff. We're going to give her a break next week. The Lord willing, we'll be back with you on January 3, 2001.

Last week we told you that we suspected that someone has sent out our newsletter to people who are not subscribed. They not only sent out unwanted e-mail, they attached a destructive virus. Of course, we get the blame for sending out the virus and that's not a fun thing. Since then we have discovered that someone has also attached pornographic information to our site. We have no idea who is doing it and we are virtually powerless to stop it, short of ceasing publication, which we are not ready to do. We advise this word of caution. When you get an e-mail message that looks like our newsletter, take a careful look at the date it was sent. With rare exceptions our newsletter goes out on Wednesday. Also if you see attachments, you'll know it is not from us. We do not send attachments with our newsletter. We deeply regret any inconvenience this may have caused you.

And , oh yes, there is one more "gremlin." We normally write an introduction to an article that we post on our web site. We establish a "link" to that article. We don't know exactly how a link works, but if you double click on it, your computer should take you to the article on our website. It didn't work last week. It is posted now under "Perceptions." Let's try the link one more time. Here's last week's link

http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200047.html

One last thing. We wish you the very best for your family during this holiday season and in the coming new year.

Grace and Peace,

Norman and Ann

* * * * *

"Peace on Earth"


by Norman Bales

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, good will to men" (Luke 2:14).

This is the time of year that most people in the world of Christendom celebrate the nativity of Jesus. While we have no Biblical instruction concerning the celebration of the Lord's birthday, we have no quarrel with the "reason for the season." Last week we attended a secular music program and listened to an impressive rendering of the beautiful song, "O Holy Night." Our culture has been rushing so swiftly headlong down the track of secularism that it's almost shocking to hear a performer sing about our Lord. Yes, I wish we could have that kind of spirit every day, but I'm glad we have some recognition of it during December.

The Christmas season also brings the subject of peace to the forefront. Most people think of world peace when they read Luke 2:14. I've lived sixty-five years on the earth and there has been no real peace during my lifetime. When I was born, an Austrian paperhanger was getting ready to rearrange the map of Europe. Three months after I started to school, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. When I was ten I learned about the horrors of the nuclear explosion at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Not long after VJ day, the "Cold War" began. When I was in high school, the North Koreans crossed the 38th parallel and the United States got involved in a "police action." During the years I raised a family, our country was involved in a very messy Southeast Asian War. There have been other conflicts large and small since then -- in Lebanon, Grenada, Panama, the Israel, the Persian Gulf and the Balkans. Right now it doesn't appear that peace is on the verge of breaking out all over the world. Things are pretty heated in the very land where the angels praised God with words about peace on earth. The Russian Bear may appear to be tamed for the moment, but he's still holding onto his nuclear weapons and China makes no attempt to hide its hostility toward the West. We would all love to see the world powers beat their swords into plowshares, but political reality suggests that it's not apt to happen very soon. One observer commented, "To do that we would have to reinvent world politics.

Our homes are also in turmoil. Homes break apart every day. Many families are living together under the same roof, but they don't know how to manage conflict. Parents and children often find themselves entangled in power struggles. Sometimes home looks more like a battlefield than a safe haven. So we must ask, "Is there any real hope that the petition of the angels with be granted any time soon?"

While peace between nations may not occur in our lifetime, peace is not just a fanciful wish. However, Jesus did not come to insure international peace. We can reduce the level of hostility within families, but we are not apt to eliminate it in our lifetime. Again, that wasn't the mission of Jesus. In fact he once said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household'" (Matthew 10:34-36).

But here's the good news. Jesus promises personal peace. He said to his apostles, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. (John 14:27). Paul insisted that we can surrender our anxieties to God and receive "the peace of God which transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). When you've got that, you have a kind of security that doesn't evaporate in the midst of human conflict. I can't offer assurance that nuclear weapons will never be fired in anger and I can't assure you that you will never become embroiled in family conflict. I can assure that there is a way to find peace. You'll find it when you look up.

* * * * *

"A FITTING GIFT"

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

At the writing of this article, we are exactly one week from Christmas Day 2000. I still have some shopping to do. In fact, I just called a ladies store to order something for my daughter-in-law, but they are out of stock. I have other ideas and I will keep looking.

On Christmas Eve when I was a child, I can remember hearing bells outside and my sister and I, and any other children in the house, made a beeline for bed as we knew that was a signal that Santa was close by. We had to be in bed "fast asleep" before he would stop and unload our presents. When our grandchildren are at our house for Christmas, we still hear those bells. (The bells work like magic.)

A couple of weeks ago, my husband Jim, was driving back from Abilene, Texas to our home in Louisiana. He went through Arlington, Texas, to bring a surprise from my sister to my virtually bed-ridden mother. Mother was elated and filled with questions wondering what my sister was sending. Presents have always held intriguing mystery and excitement for my mom. It was a dancing, musical Santa and she has thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yes, Christmas is exciting - the lights, the music, the shopping and the beautifully wrapped gifts. But I submit to you that there is one gift you can give your loved ones during this holiday season that will be a valuable investment in them and you. That gift is a word of appreciation.

Several years ago a now much cited study of one hundred healthy families in Oklahoma found one common denominator in healthy families. That common denominator was that members of highly functioning families really liked one another and they could express the value they felt for one another. They could express appreciation one for another.

Cynthia Tobias has authored a book titled, Do You Know What I Like About You? In this book she discusses the power of identifying a strength or positive trait to a child. A few months ago I had an opportunity to realize the importance of these words. Both of my grandsons were visiting. The younger did something that was just hilarious and, laughing, I grabbed him up and said, "Oh Austin, you make Germodder laugh." The older grandson was definitely within earshot and he asked, "Germodder, do I make you laugh?" Well, I certainly did not waste anytime hugging and validating him and telling him times he had made me laugh. And now, these words from Ms. Tobias are words I intentionally use with both my grandsons.

The holiday season is upon us and families are making plans for coming together. With these plans come many expectations. Celia Falicov writes about the expectations and disappointments of Christmas in her book Family Transitions. She likens the anticipation to a psychological pregnancy. She says, "The nest is symbolically refeathered and special food prepared for the arrival of the new symbolic baby." This baby is the long awaited expectation of family completing itself, --- wholly protecting, loving, and nurturing(AAF Newsletter, Volume 1, Number 48). Ms. Falicov acknowledges the joy that is present at this time, yet she identifies an accompanying experience of "something lost or missed," - a disappointment. Ms. Falicov further describes this sadness as "a desperate feeling that there may not be enough new hope." We may again experience disappointment. Ms. Falicov concludes, "And always, at the end there is the loneliness. The warmth of renewed closeness is replaced by the pain of distance or indifference."

Whether it is the gift I find for my daughter-in-law, the packages left by St. Nick, or the dancing Santa, they each carry the expectation of satisfaction. None of these gifts, however, will answer the ache in our souls. We all have a burning question of "Do I matter? Am I valuable? Do I make you laugh, Germodder?" Expressing genuine appreciation for each and every one of your loved ones during this holiday season will go further than any material gift you can buy. The words of appreciation will be remembered longer than any piece of merchandise. This message of appreciation can soothe the ache of inevitable disappointment.

* * * * *

PERCEPTIONS

"No Rules"


by Jerry Hodge

Have you ever wondered what the game of football would be like if there were no rules? Imagine the frustration a defensive player might feel if he were allowed to move the sideline a couple of feet to avoid being tackled. While fans might disagree with an official's call when he throws a flag to indicate pass interference, the game would be unplayable if pass interference were never called. Think about the chaos that would erupt in a baseball game if a pitcher were allowed the privilege of determining the strike zone. Would you really enjoy a game if a batter were allowed a fourth strike because he's not good at hitting curve balls? You get the idea; we must have rules. God's word has standards. Our friend Jerry Hodge has given some thought to the prospect of living in a world without rules. You can read his thoughts

at

http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200048.html

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies. org

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org

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