February 21, 2001
Norman Bales, Editor
CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLES
WHY MARRIAGE?
Part One: Can the Biblical Marriage Survive?
by Norman and Ann Bales
- ON SELECTING A MATE
Part Four-"Every Date Is A Potential Mate"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
- PERCEPTIONS:
"Chronic Complaining"
by Monroe Hawley
Just Visiting
While it's hard to understand why, the subject of marriage is quite controversial. People have experimented with every kind of relationship arrangement and none have produced the same degree of lasting satisfaction as a genuinely good marriage. In their new book on marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher argue passionately and persuasively for marriage. They think they can prove that married people live longer lives, have better health and enjoy life more than those who never marry or those that get divorces.
To that we add the spiritual dimension. Marriage is God's idea. God never places any kind of limitation on us that isn't good for us. Since marriage offers many remarkable benefits, doesn't it make sense to work at making it better? We're buying a new computer for the office. There's nothing wrong with the old one but, but the new one is better. Perhaps there's nothing wrong with your marriage, but wouldn't it be wonderful to have a better one. One of our goals at AAF is to encourage people to make good marriages better.
Once in a while, however, we think we need to do what football coaches periodically do. Sometimes, they pull the team away from working on executing complicated plays and drill them on fundamentals like blocking and tackling. Sometimes we need to revisit the fundamentals in marriage. We will be doing that over the next few weeks as we ask the question, "Why Marriage?"
Norman and Ann
"It's knowing I'm not shackled by forgotten words and bonds and the ink stains that have dried upon some lines." - John Hartford. Gentle on My Mind.
"For the first time in our nation's history, a child living in a single parent family is just as likely to be living with a never married parent as with a divorced parent." - Glen T. Stanton. Why Marriage Matters (1997).
"If family trends of recent decades are extended into the future, the result will be not only growing uncertainty within marriage, but the gradual elimination of marriage in favor of casual liaisons oriented to adult expressiveness and fulfillment." - David Popenoe (1996).
"Marriage remains very important to adult Americans - probably more important than it has ever been - while the proportion of Americans married has declined and the proportion successfully married has declined even more." - Norval Glenn "Values, Attitudes and State of the American Marriage." (1996).
"Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living together experience for young men and women. When blushing brides walk down the aisle in the 1990s, more than half have already lived together with a boyfriend." - Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe. The National Marriage Project (1999).
Sometimes we wonder how such a large number of people in society have come to think that marriage is undesirable. It probably has something to do with the skyrocketing divorce rate. There can be little question that ethics have taken a major hit in the last forty years. The loss of confidence in marriage is part of the fallout. When you put all that together with an almost universal insistence on the right of instant gratification, it's not difficult to understand why a rather sizable company of detractors has raised their voices against marriage.
At the risk of sounding like simple-minded prooftexters, we are going to briefly state the Biblical case for marriage.
We do not question the fact that the Biblical view of marriage is being called upon to sustain an enormous amount of pressure in the current social environment. In some quarters it is facing a barrage of hostile attackers. Christians are not immune to these attacks. Some attempt to maintain their allegiance to Christ while looking for "wiggle room" when it comes to morality. Outward and inward pressures can often make marriage difficult. Besides all that, successful marriage requires an enormous effort and some people aren't willing to pay the price. The question is, "Can marriage survive?"
We believe it is still possible for one woman and one man to stay married to each other until that union is separated by death. Marital stress is inevitable even in the best of marriages. Marriages will pass through many different crisis periods - job changes, moving, personality differences, serious illness, child-rearing problems, in-law conflicts, money problems. The list goes on and on. But if two people are married to each other and both of them really want to make it work, they can with God's help.
Whether marriage survives the current barrage of attacks is dependent upon the willingness of our contemporaries to opt for the responsible choices. When it comes down it to it, we would like to believe that many, if not most people, see the wisdom of making responsible ethical choices. We recently heard a radio clip from one of Dr. Laura's radio programs. She was discussing sexual freedom. "How do you define sexual freedom?" she asked. Does sexual freedom include the right of an adult to have sex with an eleven-year-old? Should a child grow up and marry a parent? Then she asked, "Do you get my point?" It's pretty clear that all of us want some boundaries. We believe the most logical and most satisfying choice is marriage.
But the survivability of a marriage depends on a mutual belief in it and commitment to the institution of marriage itself. In a world where that's being called into question, we need to take a careful look at the reasons for being married.
NEXT WEEK: "Marriage and Sexual Ethics"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
My mother had a saying or proverb for everything. Whenever the subject of the dating scene came up my mother would say, "Every date is a potential mate." My mom's teachings were all well grounded. I never knew if they were Matthew, Mark or Mamma, but I knew they were gospel. This one is no exception. I have passed it on to my children. In my mother's saying was
a warning to choose carefully whom we would date, because from that select group would come the person we would marry.
As I am continuing this study on selecting a mate, I continue to be struck at the failure of marriages, which seemed to start out with such promise. The psychiatrist, Erich Fromm, said, "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations and which fails so regularly as love."
We have recently learned of the demise of the marriages of Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis. Whenever I hear of such celebrities and their failed marriages, I often wish I had the time to go through PEOPLE MAGAZINE and find their comments about their marriages at the beginning of their shared lives. It would be so interesting to identify what they were saying publicly at the beginning of their relationships, and then match those comments up with the reasons for irreconcilable differences they give at
the end. I think it would be such a lesson to starry-eyed young people. Perhaps it would give them pause to have a second look at their own relationships and then to determine if there is any substance on which to build a lifelong relationship.
When we are dating many may look interesting, but is there substance in that other person that will bring a commitment to weather the challenges of marriage? In his material titled, "HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK", John
Van Epp, Ph.D., identifies three desirable characteristics of a marriage partner. These are:
On a humorous note Van Epp refers to the movie THE JERK with Steve Martin. Martin's character does not have good insight into himself nor does he understand how others see him. Van Epp identifies this characteristic for Martin as he is seen lying in an alley, saying, "I was born a poor black boy." He is exhibiting no insight into who he is or how others see him.
A question for the single to ponder about another to determine the level of insight for self and how the self is perceived is to pay attention to signs of denial. Are certain subjects avoided or discounted as unimportant? Are there times when compensation is used to cover low self-esteem?
Van Epp continues his study of the "Jerk" character as he notes the occasion when Martin finds his name in the telephone book. The lack of good emotional controls is exhibited as Martin dances around with joy because his name is finally in print.
Questions for a single to ask as marriage is contemplated are: Does this person exhibit good emotional control? Is this person's emotional response to various events what I would expect it to be? Can this person experience peace and joy in the company of others and when alone? Are there significant differences in mood when this person is around family members? How does this person manage anger? Is honesty or denial used
when angry? Is there frequent use of criticism, withdrawal, depressed mood, or blame? These are all signs of anger that has been poorly managed.
The last characteristic identified by Van Epp is the possession of adequate relationship skills. In the movie Martin displays very poor
relationship skills when he tries to tell the object of his affection how time passes when he is with her. Van Epp identifies one with poor relationship skills as one who "has a pattern of problematic behavior that makes it difficult to be in a relationship with them and keep growing and not get hurt."
Some questions to consider about relationship skills are: How has this person behaved in other relationships? How does this person relate to parents, to other family members? Are there patterns of behavior, which seem to interrupt relationships for this person?
These three characteristics are interdependent. It is highly unlikely that one would excel in one area and be really lacking in the others. But they are areas to consider as the dating relationship continues and marriage is contemplated.
It is extremely important that during the dating period attention be given to assessing these characteristics. David H. Olson, et al., in BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS says, "One of the most valuable findings researchers have made is that the quality of the premarital relationship is an excellent predictor of marital success." These characteristics will determine the quality of the dating relationship.
How many times have you been listening to a conversation and all of a sudden you realize that all the person is doing is complaining. On the other hand, have you ever been talking to someone and then realized while you were speaking, or later after you had left that situation, realized that what you had been doing was just complaining. How did each of those situations affect you? In today's article, our friend, Monroe Hawley, shares with us the antidote for complaining. You may read about it
If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.
org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
WHY MARRIAGE?
Part One:Can the Biblical Marriage Survive?
by Norman and Ann BalesThe Biblical View of Marriage
Can the Biblical View of Marriage Survive in the Present Social Context
ON SELECTING A MATE
Part 4:"EVERY DATE IS A POTENTIAL MATE"
PERCEPTIONS
"Chronic Complaining"
by Monroe Hawley