Today we are privileged to present the second and final installment of two articles that appeared in last week's newsletter. Many parents are caught between trying to bring up their children to honor and respect the Lord and their children's resistance to church attendance. We attempt to contribute some positive thoughts on the subject in this week's newsletter.

We are also happy to share some of the thoughts of Dr. Elisa Medhus, who has recently written a book for parents to help them encourage their children to become independent thinkers.

Norman and Ann

We promised to offer some practical suggestions for parents whose kids think church is boring. Well here goes.

• Before you talk, take a careful look at your own life. Teenagers come equipped with their own internal mechanism that picks up on hypocrisy faster than Doppler radar detects a thunderstorm. Peter's advice, originally given to Christians facing a hostile society, serves parents quite well, " . . . rid yourselves of all malice, deceit, hypocrisy, evil and slander of every kind" (1 Peter 2:1). If you want to communicate your faith to your offspring, your faith has to show up in something besides church attendance.

• Encourage questioning. You may have to swallow hard before you can actually do that and mean it. But honest doubt can sometimes lead to faith. It worked for Nathaniel and Thomas. Try to avoid hitting the panic button and giving way to the gag reflex when you hear an outrageous and outlandish question. Answer the question as truthfully and accurately as you can.

• Don't be afraid to offer some challenges. This isn't going to work if you neglect our first two suggestions. But if you've established a certain level of credibility, you can ask, "Are you willing to spend ten minutes a day with the scriptures and then talk with us about what you read?" Or you might ask, "Is it possible that boredom isn't as much with the way we 'do church' as it is with your attitude toward it?" Try to avoid making an accusation. Put it in the form of a question.

There are several tenets of a strong, self-directed discipline program.

• First, if children are to decide, through reason, to comply with a rule, that rule must be one they can agree with. If they don't understand a rule or agree with its purpose and meaning, they won't follow it in a self-directed way.

• Second, we have to treat our children with respect. If we want them to trust their ability to make the right decisions on their own, we have to show them that we respect their ability to do so, and that means we must show them the same respect we expect them to show to us and others.

• Third, we must be consistent and follow through on our discipline tactics. If we're inconsistent, it sends mixed messages, making it nearly impossible for them to be consistent in the internal contemplation of their behavior.

• Fourth, we must model our own good behavioral choices. Double standards create a confusion that makes clear internal dialogue impossible.

• Fifth, we need to try to keep our cool. Yelling, screaming, or wigging out in any way brings to a screeching halt any attempts our children may have to internally reflect upon their poor choice. We become the bad guys-the target of their every thought, all of which are insulting, I assure you.

• Sixth, we need to make sure we address the behavior, not the child. Soon, he'll learn that every mistake he makes is a reflection of his self-worth. And he'll react through counterattack, shifting all of his focus externally on what a mean and horrible parent we are rather than internally contemplating the consequences of his behavior.

• Seventh, we can cut the blabber. The more we lecture, explain, nag, negotiate, threaten, coax, bribe, plead, whine, beg, direct, demand, insist, warn or interrogate, the more static our children will have to cut through before they will be able to internally reflect upon their choices.

• Eighth, we must make sure that our children are always the rightful owners of their problems. Making their behavior problems more important to us than to them sends them the message that we have no faith in their ability to handle the problem.

• Ninth, we can try to eliminate much of the negative verbiage in our discipline language. Words like stop, no, can't or don't tend to encourage us to define our children in terms of their flaws rather than their strengths, and it gives them the opportunity to drag us into the gladiator's pit with their problems where suddenly, we're to blame because we're such monsters.

• Tenth, we should avoid using external influences to change their behavior. Threats, bribes, ultimatums, or rewards are examples. Invoking a higher authority like Santa or the Easter Bunny is another no-no. These ploys send children the message that we (and more importantly, they) can't handle their problems alone-that the answer to all of their problems is in the outside world, not within them.

• Eleventh, we must avoid rescuing our children from the consequences of their misbehavior. Doing so only strengthens our children's dependence on external rather than internal guidance.

• Twelfth, we should try not to use ignoring as a discipline strategy. It infuriates children and/or drives them to ever-more obnoxious behaviors. I don't know about you guys but when I'm infuriated, the last thing I do is contemplate ways to correct my mistakes. I'm too busy going for the jugular.

Let's recap why this is such a crucial mission for us, as parents, to take on. So what if we let things go on as they are. Suppose we go for the prize behind door #1 allowing our children and their world to remain externally directed, because, hey, our lives are okay! The marriage is comfy, the kids aren't driving us crazy every minute, money's not bad. So what would we have? Read the newspapers. Watch the 6 o'clock news. Heck, look around your own neighborhood! I rest my case.

Suppose we decide to choose the prize behind door #2 by raising self-directed children. What kind of world would we create, then? We'd have a world where people live according to their own thoughts rather than the thoughts of others. A world where people can appreciate their own unique strengths and translate them into meaningful roles that will contribute good things to others. A world where all people live in harmony and feel the utmost respect, understanding and love for each other. A world where people are free to express their thoughts and creativity. A world of competent, independent, self-assured people with the highest sense of integrity. A world rich in peace, prosperity and hope. A world both we and our children deserve.

Mark Pugh, pulpit minister at the Southern Hills Church of Christ, writes a weekly column directed toward young people. Christian young people are greatly influenced by their peers. Mark encourages young people to set the tone in their relationships by their examples. You can read his thoughts on the subject