The two of us seem to handle negative change in different ways. Ann is usually pretty disappointed at first, but she doesn't brood on it very long. She starts looking for ways to overcome the negative effects of involuntary change.

Norman, on the other hand, usually appears to be fairly placid on the surface when something bad happens. If he receives a message of bad tidings, he sort of swallows hard and nods his head to indicate that he understands what's happening. But he doesn't really understand it. His mind starts working overtime on analysis. He's more than willing to shoulder the blame and accept responsibility for things that went wrong. Unfortunately the self-blaming doesn't change anything. It can even prevent recovery. We call it "analysis paralysis." That's what our feature article is about today.

We rarely talk with Mikal about what we are going to write about on any given week. Occasionally, she shares her ideas with us before we see them, but that was not the case this week. We are amazed at how perfect her thoughts on "Bottom Line Mental Health" fit the concerns we've expressed in our essay on self-analysis. We appreciate Mikal's contributions more than we can say. She is an extremely competent therapist. She is also an ardent believer in Scripture. Her thoughts about the debilitating effects of resentment and the importance of applying Biblical principles to our thinking are most important. We frequently talk with people who experience enormous unhappiness. Most of their misery is rooted in either their inability or unwillingness to deal with resentments in a productive manner. We highly recommend Mikal's thoughts on the subject.

Norman and Ann

Tom Madison, a forty-five year old husband and father of four, felt like his well-organized life was shattered when he received a notice of termination from his company last week. For twenty years Tom thought he made all the right moves for his company, his family and himself. He was a loyal company man, the kind of worker who came early and stayed late. He often showed up on Saturdays to put the finishing touches on a project. The people in management often commended Tom's brilliance and commended his initiative. He was rewarded with generous pay raises and promotions.

Sometimes Tom felt his family got the short end of the stick, but his generous pay package made it possible for the family to take exciting vacations. His children attended private schools. He could afford to take his children to the orthodontists. His wife didn't have to work in order to help make ends meet. Their oldest child graduated from high school last May and begins attending college this month. Other parents worried about how to meet college expenses. Tom had put money aside. He had every reason to believe that he would be promoted into upper management by the end of the year.

All that was prior to last week, when Blaine Harrison, the company CEO, called him into the office. The firm had been purchased by a larger company. Actually, "purchased" was a somewhat charitable term. The firm had been stolen in a hostile stock takeover. Most middle management personnel would be replaced. Tom would no longer be working for the firm. Now he is forty-five years old, with an enormous mortgage, one child in college and three who expect to attend college during the next six years. What is going to become of Tom and his family?

If Tom is not careful, he will fall into the trap of "analysis paralysis." He's already thinking he should have seen it coming and developed an alternate strategy. He may play the "What if" game. "What if I had started my own business when I had the chance?" "What if I had bought a smaller house and put more investments?" "What if I had worked harder and made myself completely indispensable to the future of the firm?"

Or he may want to play the "Why didn't I" game. "Why didn't I develop a game plan for involuntary termination?" "Why didn't I anticipate this turn of events and make my exit under more favorable conditions?" "Why didn't I accept that offer to go work for our competitor when the job was offered ten years ago?"

Tom can analyze the situation forever. In the process, he may well learn pitfalls he'll want to avoid next time. That's a positive thing. On the other hand, he may spend so much time identifying all the potential hazards that he will be afraid to take a calculated risk that might make his future better. Perhaps he'll blame himself for everything that went wrong. He'll feel a certain since of nobility because he's taking responsibility for his own actions. However, if the truth were known, he had absolutely no control over the sequence of events that resulted in the hostile takeover. The people who made the decision to let him go didn't know him the way Blaine does and they didn't even want to get acquainted with him. That might unduly influence their decision to terminate workers solely on the basis of the company's economic future. Human feelings never entered into their decision.

After Tom has done this soul searching, analyzing and inward purging of himself, he will discover that the process does not put another dollar in his pocket. It does not make the mortgage payment on his house and it does not send his children to college. Tom's involuntary transition is not fair, but cursing injustice will not put groceries on the table. There comes a time when you must make the decision to rise from the ashes of despair and rebuild your life. A Christian perspective on human trials can be most helpful during involuntary transition. The apostle Paul was thinking about a different kind of involuntary transition when he wrote 2 Corinthians. But his thoughts in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 seem apropos for Tom Madison and the thousand of people who have walked in his shoes. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

NEXT WEEK: "Suggestions for Coping With Involuntary Transition"

I frequently tell my clients, "Bottom line mental health is the ability to move toward another person in a positive, healthy manner, even when you believe his/her behavior does not warrant it."

And then I ask, "Who did this for us?" The answer of course is God through Jesus. Romans 5:8: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in that: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." It takes real mental health to be able to move toward another person in a positive, healthy manner when we believe he/she has wronged us.

An essential element to this positive move toward another person is that it be in a positive, healthy manner. So how do we make it positive and healthy when we have been wronged?

First of all we must acknowledge the pain. Sometimes it is not necessary to go to the other person and identify the pain with him/her. But you must acknowledge it to yourself. You must acknowledge that the behavior was hurtful to you and you are going to make a Christ-like choice in response to the behavior. Then determine if you want to inform the transgressor of the pain caused in your life by his/her behavior. If it is a very serious transgression, then it is likely something you need to discuss with the transgressor. If it is a pattern and this is a person you are in a close and ongoing relationship with, then the behavior and resulting pain need to be identified between you and the other person. (For an effective way to discuss the hurtful behavior, read about the "I" message in All About Families, V.2, No. 33, September 8, 1997.)

After this determination is made and you have either commented on the behavior to the other person or you have decided this particular incident was not important enough to comment on, then you must find a way to move toward the transgressor in a positive, healthy manner. You must find a way to stay in relationship with the other person, no matter what his/her response is to the behavior you identified. Whether it is your spouse, your neighbor or an usher at church, staying in relationship is the goal of your healthy response.

We stay in relationship with one another for the purpose of "building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians4: 29-32.

Alcoholics Anonymous is built on getting rid of bitterness and resentment. Resentment is at the heart of addictions. As we now know well, addiction is not just about abusing substances, but can take on every form of sin there is. Bitterness, resentment and blame prevent healthy attachment and relationship. That is why these must be put away in order to connect in a healthy manner. Bitterness, resentment and blame tear at the very fabric of good mental health.

The Karpman Drama Triangle is a model, which can be used to identify unhealthy ways of connecting and staying in relationship. In the Karpman Drama Triangle, people act in the role of the rescuer, victim or persecutor and one person can move in and out of the different roles. Emotions of emptiness and fear drive these roles. Our purpose must not be to connect with these emotional connections, but out of the fullness of being a child of God. This takes us again to Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs." When we connect out of our fullness to build one another up, putting away bitterness, resentment and blame, then we are acting with good mental health. With good mental health we stay in relationship and "do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God."(Ephesians 4:30), but are "kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32).