"WHAT DO WE TELL THE CHILDREN?"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
His mom had just prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that she was with her children. My grandson asked, "Mom, are there some children who are not with their moms and dads?" Her honest response had to be "Yes, there are." He is only six years old.
On September 11, 2001, our world as we knew it changed forever. We all lost something that is still difficult to completely comprehend. Some children lost parents. Parents lost children. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and very dear friends were also lost. Everyone lost a sense of security and we feel shocked, afraid and quite helpless. We are overwhelmed by the horror we witnessed and the grief we continue to experience. If only we could turn the clock back.
Our children are taking it all in. We must find a new normal. Today's children will grow up with this backdrop of the day terrorism hit America. It will never be the same.
Following are some suggestions to assist parents as they deal with this very difficult subject:
** The most important thing you can do is be responsible yourself, Mom and Dad. Your child will take his cue from you. If Mom or Dad is falling apart, your child's anxiety will be increased ten-fold.
** Be honest. If your child asks questions, answer honestly. Give minimum information, but be honest. Your child will probably not ask more than he can handle.
** Spend some extra time with your child. This will let him know you are available and give him opportunity to bring his concerns to the forefront.
** Get eyeball to eyeball with your child. Spend some time looking him in the eye as you talk to him on his physical level. Stoop down to his level, kneel by his bed, put him in your lap. This gives a very strong message that you are available and he matters.
** Learn to be an empathic listener. Identify the feeling you think your child is having with a statement like: "It seems you are a little sad today;" or, "When you talk about that, I wonder if you are a little bit afraid?" Name a feeling. If you are wrong your child will correct you, but his feelings will have been validated. He will also have learned that his feelings are okay. Accept any feeling. As parents we only need to direct behavior.
** Focus on what you and your child CAN do. You can write a letter to the firemen or help with collecting funds to send from your school. You can make cookies for someone who is sick in your own community.
** Be alert to your child's play. Children frequently act out traumatizing events with their play. Perhaps they will draw something or use dolls and blocks to illustrate their understanding of the event. If you note this, stop and say to your child: "Tell me about your picture;" or, "Tell me about your project." (In my training as an elementary teacher I learned you do not ask, "What is that?")
** Continue your family routines. If it is having breakfast together, continue it. If it is certain games or rituals, continue them. Let them participate in church and community memorials. This can be comforting. Keep the regular schedule if it is a positive one.
** Point out key people such as teachers, neighbors, church members who are there to support you and your family, people they can also turn to for comfort.
** Three very effective methods of grieving are talking, drawing and writing. Give your child openings to talk. If you can tell they are really struggling, you can ask them to draw or write what is worrying them.
** Indulge in the human touch. Hugs, kisses, and rocking all feel very good and not only do they assure the psyche, they help to create calming chemicals in the body.
** Phil McGraw suggests on Oprah's website to watch for warning signs that your child may be having difficulty expressing his fear and anxiety. He lists these: not talking, clinging, regressing to the behavior of a younger child, aggressive behaviors and nightmares. If so, use some of the suggestions in this article to approach your child, and remain available so they realize you really want to know what they are feeling.
** If questions are asked about God, you might say that God allows us to make our own choices. Some people have made a very wicked and hurtful choice, but we can choose to do something good today.
** In my office hangs a pencil drawing of Jesus stooping down to care for a wounded lamb. Underneath the picture it says, "Someday He will make all things right." This is the only answer we can give for some things.
** Share your prayers with your children.
ADDRESSES:
Office of Mayor
City Hall
New York, N.Y. 10007
New York Fire Department
9 Metrotech Center
Brooklyn, NY 11201
New York Police Dept.
1 Police Plaza
New York, NY 10038
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PERCEPTIONS
"1000 Marbles"
byJohn J. Wright
What do you do with your Saturdays? Most of us have an opportunity to spend Saturdays with our families, but we are often tempted by other things. John J. Wright was thinking about spending a Saturday with his ham radio setup, but he heard something from another ham radio operator that changed his mind. You can read about it
at
http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200134.html
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If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.
org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org