On September 11, 2001, our son Gary called three times. He first called within minutes of the attack to touch base with us. He called again several minutes later to find out if we knew anything about his brother who is in the army. He called a third time late that evening, just to bounce off some of his thoughts about the events of the day. Like all of us, he was struggling to make some kind of sense of the whole thing. During the course of the conversation, he talked about our family. We are pretty well scattered out. Our children live in four different states and none of them live in Louisiana where we reside. He said, "At a time like this, I just wish we could all be together."

We've realized how important relationships have become. We've read numerous stories about people with family members who worked in either the World Trade Center or the Pentagon. When survivors got out of those buildings, the first thing they wanted to do was let their families know that they were all right. Sadly, many families never got that call. In recent years we've heard cynics say, "the family is dead." You don't hear much of that kind of talk right now. In today's issue we want to share some brief thoughts about why we need each other so much.

Mikal has contributed a wonderful article with practical suggestions for talking with your children. As a family therapist, Mikal spends a lot of time talking with children. She has special insights into the way children think when they are troubled. If you're a parent, I would urge you to print out the article and save it.

Norman and Ann

A long time ago, a classroom teacher assigned her class the task of memorizing William Ernest Henley's famous poem "Invictcus. At the time, the closing lines sounded noble and challenging - "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." You can look at it as a challenge to take responsibility for your own actions and that's a good thing, but when you look carefully at Henley's philosophy, he doesn't leave any room for God. Besides that, he ignores the importance of cooperation, working together, joining hands, and facing a common foe together.

Solomon spoke obvious truth when he said,

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work;
If one falls down the friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls,
And has no one to help him up!
Also, if two fall down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

There's an old story from the early twentieth century that illustrates Solomon's observation. The story is about a coal miner, whom we will call Chester. Chester grew tired of coal mining. He never saw the light of day. He wanted a better life for himself and his family. He heard that the government was offering homestead tracts in Wisconsin. If you moved there, built a house and improved the property, it was yours. Chester scraped and saved until he got enough money for a train trip to Wisconsin. He would send for his family when he completed a log cabin. Building materials were readily available. The property was covered with virgin timber. Chester reached his destination and walked to the property. He bought a new double bit ax, but decided gloves would be an extravagance. After all he had been using a shovel in the coal mines. His hands were callused and he was used to hard work. He started his work with great enthusiasm, but he soon encountered more than a few problems. The feel of the ax and the feel of the shovel weren't the same. Blisters formed on his hands. Soon the blisters burst and his hands were bloody. He was in constant pain. Mosquitoes were unbearable. The humidity and the heat sapped his energy. He missed his family. He began to have second thoughts. Maybe the coal mining life wasn't all that bad. Had he been foolish to pursue this dream. He thought of quitting. He dropped his ax, sat down on a log and wept. As he was sitting on the long, he heard the unmistakable ring of another ax felling trees. He had a neighbor. Somebody else was pursuing a dream; somebody was felling trees to build a home. He forgot about quitting. He no longer looked foolish. He picked up his ax and went back to work. He eventually completed the log house, moved his family to Wisconsin and lived out his days there. What a difference it makes when we know that someone else shares our pain, our tasks and our dreams.

We need each other. That's why family is so important. God, in his great wisdom, recognized the discouragement of loneliness. He said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 3:18).

We live in a time when we face enormous threats to our future well being. Those who approach these times in isolation from others are more vulnerable to discouragement and defeat than anyone else. "I am the Master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul" will not serve us well during these days. A more viable challenge can be found in the lyrics of a song composed by Rudolph Friml for the 1925 light opera, The Vagabond King.

Give me ten men,
Who are stout hearted men,
Who will fight for the right they adore.
If you'll give me ten
Who are stout hearted men,
Then I'll soon give you ten thousand more.

His mom had just prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that she was with her children. My grandson asked, "Mom, are there some children who are not with their moms and dads?" Her honest response had to be "Yes, there are." He is only six years old.

On September 11, 2001, our world as we knew it changed forever. We all lost something that is still difficult to completely comprehend. Some children lost parents. Parents lost children. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and very dear friends were also lost. Everyone lost a sense of security and we feel shocked, afraid and quite helpless. We are overwhelmed by the horror we witnessed and the grief we continue to experience. If only we could turn the clock back.

Our children are taking it all in. We must find a new normal. Today's children will grow up with this backdrop of the day terrorism hit America. It will never be the same.

Following are some suggestions to assist parents as they deal with this very difficult subject:

** The most important thing you can do is be responsible yourself, Mom and Dad. Your child will take his cue from you. If Mom or Dad is falling apart, your child's anxiety will be increased ten-fold.

** Be honest. If your child asks questions, answer honestly. Give minimum information, but be honest. Your child will probably not ask more than he can handle.

** Spend some extra time with your child. This will let him know you are available and give him opportunity to bring his concerns to the forefront.

** Get eyeball to eyeball with your child. Spend some time looking him in the eye as you talk to him on his physical level. Stoop down to his level, kneel by his bed, put him in your lap. This gives a very strong message that you are available and he matters.

** Learn to be an empathic listener. Identify the feeling you think your child is having with a statement like: "It seems you are a little sad today;" or, "When you talk about that, I wonder if you are a little bit afraid?" Name a feeling. If you are wrong your child will correct you, but his feelings will have been validated. He will also have learned that his feelings are okay. Accept any feeling. As parents we only need to direct behavior.

** Focus on what you and your child CAN do. You can write a letter to the firemen or help with collecting funds to send from your school. You can make cookies for someone who is sick in your own community.

** Be alert to your child's play. Children frequently act out traumatizing events with their play. Perhaps they will draw something or use dolls and blocks to illustrate their understanding of the event. If you note this, stop and say to your child: "Tell me about your picture;" or, "Tell me about your project." (In my training as an elementary teacher I learned you do not ask, "What is that?")

** Continue your family routines. If it is having breakfast together, continue it. If it is certain games or rituals, continue them. Let them participate in church and community memorials. This can be comforting. Keep the regular schedule if it is a positive one.

** Point out key people such as teachers, neighbors, church members who are there to support you and your family, people they can also turn to for comfort.

** Three very effective methods of grieving are talking, drawing and writing. Give your child openings to talk. If you can tell they are really struggling, you can ask them to draw or write what is worrying them.

** Indulge in the human touch. Hugs, kisses, and rocking all feel very good and not only do they assure the psyche, they help to create calming chemicals in the body.

** Phil McGraw suggests on Oprah's website to watch for warning signs that your child may be having difficulty expressing his fear and anxiety. He lists these: not talking, clinging, regressing to the behavior of a younger child, aggressive behaviors and nightmares. If so, use some of the suggestions in this article to approach your child, and remain available so they realize you really want to know what they are feeling.

** If questions are asked about God, you might say that God allows us to make our own choices. Some people have made a very wicked and hurtful choice, but we can choose to do something good today.

** In my office hangs a pencil drawing of Jesus stooping down to care for a wounded lamb. Underneath the picture it says, "Someday He will make all things right." This is the only answer we can give for some things.

** Share your prayers with your children.

ADDRESSES:

Office of Mayor
City Hall
New York, N.Y. 10007

New York Fire Department
9 Metrotech Center
Brooklyn, NY 11201

New York Police Dept.
1 Police Plaza
New York, NY 10038