JUST A LITTLE LEAVEN DOES IT
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
"A little leaven leavens the whole lump." -- Galatians 5:9
Many years ago some scientists began to notice something puzzling with the rabbit population in Canada. It was decreasing dramatically. They put their minds together and looked for a disease that might explain the dwindling population. No disease could be found. Then, in a few years, just as mysteriously, the rabbit population increased. This would not be the end of the story. In time, the scientists again observed another decrease in the number of rabbits. At about this same time another group of scientists was noticing a similar fluctuation in the number of foxes in the same area. The number of foxes would increase and then in time decrease. They also looked for disease as an explanation for the changes. No disease was found.
Another scientist looked at both reports of the foxes and rabbits and the pieces of the puzzle began to come together. The rabbits and foxes were a part of an ecosystem. The growths of one affected the other and vice versa. The rabbits were a food source for the foxes. Therefore when there were many rabbits, the foxes had a plentiful food source and the fox population could grow. But as the foxes ate the rabbit population, the rabbit population decreased. With the shrinking supply of rabbits for the foxes, then the fox population in turn diminished. Thus there was the cycle or the dance of the foxes and the rabbits in their ecosystem. (Reported by William Lederer and Don D. Jackson in THE MIRAGES OF MARRIAGE, p. 88)
Such is also the case of the husband and wife in marriage. Though the behaviors of one may seem very odd when observed alone, those same behaviors can become quite understandable when taken in the context of the marriage, of the couple system. There will be a fit of their interactions. I remember a particular couple who came to see me many years ago. In one session as the wife began to improve and develop a healthier perspective about the expectations she had for her husband, the husband grabbed the doorknob with the very slightest provocation and was ready to bolt out the door. It suited his purposes better for his wife to be very demanding and rigid and unbending. It fit the person he was and they could both continue their very unhealthy dance.
In fact we often speak of the dance of the family or of the marriage. You see, if you are on the dance floor and are doing the two-step, everything can move along very well and predictably until one of you stops and decides to do the twist. The dance cannot continue the way it was. "A little leaven can leaven the whole lump."
When I was in training as a marriage and family therapist the air conditioning system was frequently used to illustrate the tenets of a system. The illustration went something like this. The temperature in the room would affect the thermostat, which would in turn signal the compressor and fan to come on and cool air would blow out of the vents. Then as the temperature of the room would cool down, the thermostat would detect the change in temperature and signal the compressor and blower to turn off. Thus there was the dance of the air conditioning system. One part affects the other and vice versa.
Peter was aware of this systemic component of behavior when he wrote, Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives (1 Peter 1:3). When the wife, or the husband, is acting with agape as Jesus taught the new commandment, that husband or wife effects change in the whole system. One little side note about this systemic action of agape. The agape must be a response to a loving savior, not an attempt to change your spouse. If the goal is to change your spouse, then the change is not really a change is it?
This dynamic of the system is why the statement of Bertrand Russell is so poignant. He was a 20th century philosopher who was a vocal opponent of Christianity. Yet Kenneth Reed quotes him in WHAT CONTROLS YOUR LIFE as saying, "There are certain things that our age needs. The root of the matter is a thing so simple that I am almost ashamed to mention it for fear of the derisive smile with which wise cynics will greet my words. The thing I mean---please forgive me for mentioning it---is love, Christian love."
After many years of studying the behavior of people and societies at large, Sir Russell recognized the power of a little meaningful leaven leavening the whole lump.
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PERCEPTIONS
"Fatherless Children"
by Mark Pugh
You might think that today's perception article is for "Father's Only." Our co-worker, Mark Pugh, gives us another look at the aftermath of the September 11th tragic events. We found his thoughts on the loss of a number of Dads in the terrorist attacks and even a greater "loss" of Dad's in our society as a whole very sobering. We feel that you will too. You may read Mark's article
at
http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200138.html
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If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
mikal@allaboutfamilies.
org
Norman's e-mail address:
nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org