CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLES
  "The Challenge to Preserve the Christian Family"
  Part One: "Does the Christian Family Have a Future?"
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• "Intentional Fidelity:"Correction and clarification
  by Mikal Frazier LMFT, LPC
  
• GUEST ARTICLE:
  "The Importance of Balance"
  by Staci Stallings
  
• PERCEPTIONS:
  "Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable"
  by Norman Bales
  

  Just Visiting

  Today's newsletter is lengthy, but we feel it will be worth your time to expend the effort to read it. Today we start a new series on "Christian Family. There will be three other parts after todays and that will bring us to the close of the year. Where did 2001 go to so fast.

  Mikal realized after she read her article in the last newsletter that she needed to clarify and make some corrections of the concepts. We've chosen to do that today so that you can put it together with last weeks right away.

  We welcome to the newsletter a new author, Staci Stallings. We feel you will benefit from her article about Moms.

  Norman and Ann

  * * * * *

  "THE CHALLENGE TO PRESERVE THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY
  Part One: Does the Christian Family Have a Future? "

  
  by Norman and Ann Bales

  A number of thoughtful observers are a little more than pessimistic about the future of the Christian family.

  James Dobson has written, "The future of the family in Western society is still very much in doubt." And he's not alone. George Macer at the University of Southern California medical school said, "The decline of modern marriage has reached a point where a happily married couple seems to be an oddity." I don't know how he knows, but Charles Swindoll estimated that 20 million married couples live in desperate unhappiness and unfulfillment."

  If these folks are anywhere close to being right, society as we know it is in great trouble. The family is the oldest institution in society and the strength of the family has always determined the stability of society. Some have predicted the elimination of the family in the future. Others think the family of the future will be greatly modified from what we have known in the past. US News and World Report speculated on what the shape of society would be like in the year 2033. Here's the picture they painted. "Divorce will be more common. Remarriages will create a bewilderment of stepparents, stepsiblings and step kin. There will be fewer children and more of them will have single parents. More adults will live alone or in non-family households. Intra family friction will increase and generation gaps will be more painful as life becomes less home-centered. Government will take over more traditional family responsibilities." That was their projection in 1983 - 18 years ago. It seems to me that the trends they anticipated back then have accelerated.

  We're not pessimists, but we don't believe society can absorb those kinds of changes in family life over a long period of time and still be a vibrant, healthy, functioning society. Former president, Ronald Reagan said, "Families are the guardians of our values and our hope for the futures. They are stars of the great American comeback." J. I. Packer said that. Family life is ". . . a prime test of both our humanity and our godliness." We believe that both Mr. Reagan and Jim Packer were right on target.

  In that kind of environment, we are being offered a tremendous and exciting challenge - the challenge to preserve the Christian family. In this series we want to concentrate on four aspects of the challenge:

  • What the Christian family is.
    
  • What the Christian family means to society
    
  • What we can do to preserve the Christian family?
    
  • What can we do to help those who have been hurt?

  We believe the Christian family is worth preserving. It's not an easy job, but it is doable. In the coming weeks, we want to share some of our thoughts about how to get that task done.
  * * * * *

  "INTENTIONAL FIDELITY:Correction and clarification"
  

  
  by Mikal Frazier LMFT, LPC

  I need to make a correction to the article I wrote last week titled "Intentional Fidelity." The book by Barry McCarthy, Ph.D. is Couple Sexual Awareness. The title I named in the article was a presentation he gave at the Smart Marriages Conference.

  I have been asked to explain a little bit about the three types of affairs. The high opportunity/low involvement is the one McCarthy says is the most frequent male affair. This is the one-night stand type. The opportunity is very apparent, but the emotional involvement is totally or nearly non-existent. The compartmentalized/ongoing affair is over a period of time. A person who involves himself or herself in this kind of an affair will have two or more separate lives.

  In my article of last week, a very important message in it was that the best way to prevent an affair is to talk to your spouse about your vulnerabilities and come to an agreement about a plan to avoid infidelity. There is a great paragraph from Pat Love's book, The Truth About Love that I wanted to share. She is discussing how trust is built through fidelity and she is saying that to talk about your behavior will help to keep you straight. She references the Bill Clintons'. By the last sentence, Love makes it clear that being open and discussing your behavior can change your life. Oh, yes, I know. It appears the Clintons have a different kind of relationship from what most of us want, but the point is well made. If you should have the opportunity to go I highly recommend Pat Love's book and her workshop titled Hot Monogamy. You can find more information on the Internet at Free Bible Study resources website.

  * * * * *

  Guest Article

  Staci Stallings is a new author who writes inspirational books and articles. We have been given permission to include her article, "The Importance of Balance" in our newsletters. It fits very well with our current series on "The Challenge to Preserve the Christian Family." You can access Staci's website at

  StaciStallings.com

  "The Importance of Balance"

  
  by Staci Stallings

  As a stay-at-home mom, I have had the distinct privilege of being involved in several "mom-lifestyle" discussions. Most focus on the role of mothers in society today. Generally there are two camps. One says that a mother should stay at home, be there for her family exclusively, and be willing to sacrifice her very life and happiness for the happiness of the family. The second group says no, a mother should be able to pursue her own career, and although the family may suffer some, her dreams and goals should be paramount.

  In discussing this paradox with several people (including my own mother), I have come to this conclusion-neither one works long term.

  For a moment, I'd like to back track and see how we got here. Years ago-40 to 50 now, a woman's sole job was to stay at home, cook, clean, and basically take care of her family. If a woman married, she was expected to be the caretaker of the children (and if she didn't marry, then something must be wrong with her). This was a woman's role. Period.

  Then came the women's movement, and leaders said, "Family isn't important, you are. Go out, pursue your goals, we will set up daycares and push the concept of year round school so that you can."

  The problem with these two approaches is that following either one to its extreme throws life out of balance. After lengthy discussions, I have come to the following conclusion: once you get married and have kids, there are three relationships that must be maintained. The first is with yourself. You cannot be all things to everyone else if you are not something to yourself.

  This is the trap that many teenagers fall into-if I can just get married and have kids, then I'll be happy. They believe (as society taught for many years) that having a family will automatically fill the void they feel in their lives. It will not. What too often happens to these women is they get the family, the two kids, the husband, and the dog. Then they look up, bleary-eyed from too many nights of missed sleep, and they say, "I don't understand. This was supposed to make me happy."

  Boredom, loneliness, and frustration set in, and pretty soon, the woman begins to believe that if she was just not married, if she just didn't have kids, then her life would really be wonderful. Some go so far as to actually detach from the family unit-emotionally or physically. But that isn't the answer either. The answer lies within. The woman must find ways and schedule time to pursue those activities that are important to her, family or no family. In this way she can nurture the relationship she has with herself.

  The second relationship a woman must foster is the relationship with her husband. Some women when they have kids seem to forget about their husband. They become wrapped up in the day-to-day chores (which admittedly can be overwhelming), and they detach from their partner in life. Again, scheduling time to spend together is vital. Make time for each other, like you did when you were first together. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that.

  Lastly a woman must maintain her relationship with her children, and this must be done on a daily basis. Waiting until Saturday morning to have a five-minute conversation is not the recipe for happiness. Work and activities must be balanced with down time, and always parents have to remember that children don't want stuff-they want you. They want your time, and I don't mean just quality time. Quantity time is every bit as important. The likelihood that your daughter will come to you with a question about the guy she's dating is slim enough without the added pressure of getting the question in only between 9:30 and 9:45. It just doesn't work that way.

  Then, of course, there are those who think that just because they have little children, that means they can be absent most of the time, and the kids won't notice. It is often these same parents who when their child is 15 can't figure out why the child won't come talk to them. Maybe it's because the child has learned over the past 15 years that even their smallest problems are not listened to, so why should it be obvious now that mom and dad care about the big things? The behavior of talking and discussing life with your child is a learned behavior-don't expect to neglect it for 13 years and then have it suddenly kick in. It won't.

  So, now we have these three relationships-each competing and vying for your time. The key is balance. There must be time set aside each day, or at most, each week for time to nurture and foster each of these relationships. A mother can be all to everyone, and then get burned out because she has no time for herself. Or she can focus on herself and her career, and one day turn around and find her family has fallen apart.

  Neither of these approaches works long-term. The answer is balance. Take a few minutes and think about the life you are living right now. A good exercise I have seen is to place the important aspects of your life on a wheel, and then give a point total to each-one to ten, one being total neglect, ten being optimal performance. Once you have done this, take a look at your wheel. What area needs more "air", more time, more energy, more of you?

  If all of the areas are somewhat deflated, then start with the most deflated one. Make a plan to spend time on that area. As it begins to improve, start on the next area. Check in with your wheel at least once a week and see how you are airing up your tire-or how you are living your life.

  Is it worth all this effort? If you want to have control over life instead of life having control over you, it's critical. Take some time for your life-find some balance. It will be the best investment of time you've ever made.

  * * * * *

  PERCEPTIONS

  "Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable"

  by Norman Bales

  In a perfect world everyone would agree with me. At least that's what I would like to think. In my heart of hearts I know that I really don't want that. Those people who dare to take issue with me have a way of sharpening me. They force me out of my comfort zone. Without them I would be mentally lazy. Besides that, honesty forces me to admit that no one totally agrees with me on everything. My wife is even wrong about a few things (Of course she doesn't quite see it that way). Trying to get every one on my sheet of music is impossible, but we can learn to disagree without being disagreeable. I would like to invite you to read some additional thoughts on that subject

  at
  http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200143.html
  * * * * *

  If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies. org

  Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org