When people get married they often don't think of all the issues that will inevitably arise later in a marriage. Typically, two young people in their early twenties decide to enter into marriage. They glibly repeat promises to each other in the ceremony. Most of the time, couples are the picture of health when they marry. They don't think very much about the frailty of the human body. Sooner or later sickness will cast a pall on the "marriage made in heaven." The degree of satisfaction we have in a marriage may be connected to the way we handle serious illness. Norman takes a humorous look at the subject in this week's newsletter, but there's a serious point beneath the humor.

Many years ago I heard a family therapist say, "Who's right isn't nearly so important as what's right." Many of our marriage problems could be dealt with much more easily if we could get away from trying to defend our "rightness." Mikal addresses that problem in this week's newsletter. You'll want to read what she has to say.

Norman and Ann

When Ann and I repeated our marriage vows before a congregation of friends and well-wishers, I said something like, "I promise to love you in sickness as in health." I don't think I had the foggiest about the extent of my commitment.

In the years that followed, Ann has been through numerous surgeries, two trips to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, a life-threatening pancreas problem and a couple of bouts with pneumonia that also threatened a premature end to her time on this earth. On top of all that she's had numerous bouts with viruses, cold, flu, migraine headaches, non-migraine headaches and maybe even some strange bug she picked up in South America that took several weeks to incubate.

On top of all that, she had me as her primary care giver. I acquired most of my nursing skills while treating farm animals during my youth. When I'm with humans my bedside manner leaves a great deal to be desired.

When ministering to the sick, I tend to be like a Doberman who thinks he's a lap dog. I don't know if she wants kind words and sympathy or if she would prefer to suffer in silence. Over the years I've decided that her desires for human interaction provide a reasonably accurate guide to her state of wellness. If she becomes very dependent on me, she's very sick. On the other hand if she complains about small irritations, it's a sure sign that she's improving, though not quite well yet. For some reason, I rarely think to stop and ask how she would like to be treated. I sometimes wonder if her illnesses get transferred to me, and they only affect a nerve that numbs my brain.

Unintentional irritations are hard to avoid. I remember stumbling through our bedroom one night when she was suffering through a migraine headache. I made her head throb even more when I kicked the bed. I'm blind as a bat without my contact lens. I have a pair of extremely thick glasses, but sometimes I get up and wander around the house without them. Don't ask me why I do that. It's illogical to think that I can see without my glasses because I'm in the dark. However, I can nearly always locate the bed by Braille, but that's not a wise thing to do when the slightest movement increases the pain index in Ann's head.

Ann really deserves to be treated much better. She holds two degrees in nursing and another in psychology. She is a highly skilled caregiver. In the family she is known as "Nurse Ann." When I'm sick, she really pours on the TLC, despite the fact that I'm a patient who resists treatment and tries to avoid both doctors and medicine. But Ann persists. I could not ask to be treated with more compassion, understanding and genuine caring. It would be nice if she could get equal treatment, but nobody said that this is a fair world.

Ann and I do a certain amount of pre-marital counseling. We talk to them about the "sickness and health" promise. I like to cite Peter's statement in 1 Peter 3:7. "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." A part of considerate living means finding out what to do when your wife is sick. We try to let young couples know that it's likely one of them will eventually become a primary caregiver in a time of serious illness. If you're going to get married, you need to think through that role before you walk down the aisle. How can I give that kind of advice when I'm admittedly so poor at care giving? I have only one thing to say in my defense. I'm better than I used to be.

My friend shared with me over the phone, these words from an article on forgiveness. I knew I had to get the article. The article is from a seminar by Elizabeth Elliott in a publication called Decision. Ms. Elliott says that in order for us to be what God wants us to be, to forgive as he forgives we must choose the "utter surrender of the right to be right." How totally awesome! That is it! That is the key. That is what Jesus did for us. That is the answer to staying in a relationship. We must "utterly surrender the right to be right."

How many times have I seen relationships torn asunder by someone who was clinging to his/her right to be right? I will never forget the wife who was ready to get a divorce because her husband had chosen to be present in a secular classroom one Wednesday night instead of going to prayer services with her. Possibly, it would have been a better choice to go to prayer services with her, but there is something terribly wrong with this picture. She was clinging to her right to want him to go to services with her. She believed it to be her right to insist that he go with her. She believed it was the right thing to do. And if he was not willing to do this right thing, then a divorce was the answer. AND SHE WAS RIGHT. Nothing would convince her otherwise. She did finally get her divorce.

Jesus was often told, "That is not right." It was not right for the woman to pour out the perfume on his feet. It was not right for him to spend time with the harlot. It was not right for him to speak to the Samaritan woman. It was not right for the little children to come to him. Clinging to what is right and clinging to our right to what is right is a death knell to any relationship.

The need to be right and to have that right-ness validated is at the heart of many if not all of our emotional struggles. From this position of "being right" comes resentment, bitterness and blame, the root of addictions and compulsions and all other hurtful behaviors, including divorce.

The most UN-right event in all of humanity's history was the cross. But Jesus chose the "utter surrender of the right to be right" in order to reconcile us in relationship to the Father. This surrender must be our choice, not only to be obedient, but to find peace and joy in this life, and ultimately to stay in relationship with one another and, most importantly, the Father.

(The magazine Decision is published monthly by Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. The article cited was found in Volume 43, Number 2, February, 2002.)