Sometimes things take place in one's life that are not anticipated. We have a son who lives in Iowa. Last week he called to tell us that his wife's mother was extremely ill and not expected to survive. We felt the need to be at their side and offer support for them during this time of crisis. We left our home in Louisiana on short notice and drove to Iowa. Kelly's mother passed away on Monday and now we await the funeral, which is scheduled for Thursday.

Times of illness and loss remind us how important our family ties are. It's important for families to come together and provide mutual support for our losses. It's a bittersweet experience. There is grieving on the one hand, but there is also a deeper bonding that also takes place. Sickness and death are normal parts of the cycle of life, but we need to understand that these "normal" parts of our lives can be abnormally difficult to handle. We need all our coping resources. Next to God, I would have to say that a loving and loyal family is our most important resource.

Norman and Ann

The first two parts of this series of articles on mental illness were autobiographical. I told the story of my mother's long struggle with schizophrenia. Only recently have I taken the time to sit down and identify the obstacles a family faces. When you're dealing with the problem first hand, you never try to identify with stages or levels of difficulty. You simply try to cope with things as they come up. Thinking back through my own experience, I think I can identify some of the recurring difficulties faced by family members when a loved one is stricken with mental illness. They include the following.

• Loss of parental and spousal bonding. From my own perspective, my early relationship with my mother was normal and I felt reasonably close to her. Over the years, as she withdrew from reality, closeness evaporated. An emotional chasm was created which I did not seem to be able to bridge. I still feel a certain degree of sadness about that, although I was indeed blessed with an opportunity to mend fences during the last three years of her life.

• Social ostracism. She suffered from this more than my father and me. Prior to her episodes with mental illness, she helped sponsor school projects, had social involvement with other women in our neighborhood and was active in church life. While there were long periods of rationality in her life, most people didn't know when she was "normal" and when she was not, so they kept their distance. Some were even afraid of her (and for good cause on occasion. She sometimes displayed a tendency toward violence).

• Guilt. As a young boy I remember thinking she probably wouldn't have those problems if I had behaved more responsibly. I think the guilt is probably parallel to the guilt experienced by the members of an alcoholic's family.

• Fear. There is at least some evidence which, would suggest that schizophrenia recurs in families. I often wondered if I would suffer the same fate in life.

• Misunderstanding. I don't want this to sound like an indictment of the Christian faith. God has always sustained us and we owe a great debt of gratitude to people in the church for helping us get through this period of our lives. Although they mean well, most Christian people don't really understand what is going on. There were at least two areas where I felt the Christian community misunderstood our circumstances. (1) There were those who felt like we merely needed to read the right scripture verses, obey them and pray about the situation. God would then make everything right. I believe in answered prayer, but I'm here to tell you that anyone who thinks all you have to do is read the Bible and pray about a schizophrenic patient grossly misunderstands both scripture and the situation. (2). Sometime we were the objects of pity. I suppose people looked upon us as proper subjects for mercy showing, which we were. But they didn't understand that the best way to show us mercy was to treat us like regular people. That's what we wanted more than anything.

The following quotes about schizophrenia where obtained from various web sites.

"The schizophrenic experience can be a terrifying journey through a world of madness no one can understand, particularly the person traveling through it. It is a journey through a world that is deranged, empty and devoid of anchors to reality. You feel very much alone. You find it easier to withdraw than cope with reality that is incongruent with your fantasy world. You feel tormented by distorted perceptions. You cannot distinguish what is real from what is unreal. Schizophrenia affects all aspects of your life. Your thoughts race and you feel fragmented and so very alone with your 'craziness.'" - Janice C. Jordan, a person with schizophrenia.

"I cannot tell you how difficult it is for a person to accept the fact that he or she is schizophrenic. Since the time we were very young, we have all been conditioned to accept that if something is crazy or insane its worth to us is automatically dismissed. We live in a world that is held together by rational connections. That which is logical or reasonable is acceptable. That which is not reasonable is not acceptable." - Dr. Frederick J. Frese, a psychologist who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 25.

"Some people may not be able to recognize the illness for what it is. The realization that your relative may never be the same again, may never get 'cured,' is too unbearable to contemplate. . . . There are those who push themselves to the limit. They never let go. They never get on with their lives. They wear themselves out." - "Schizophrenia: A Handbook for Families". published by the Schizophrenia Society of Canada. "Acceptance means that you have learned to look at your relative as he or she is now. Then there is room for hope, and you can begin to work for those things that will really make a difference in your relative's life." - father of a patient with schizophrenia.

The author of Proverbs urges us to "Buy the truth and sell it not." Pontius Pilate cynically asked Jesus, "What is truth?" Jesus said the truth will make us free. So how shall we handle the truth? Read our thoughts on the subject