Because we have gone to a bi-weekly schedule, "Father's Day" will occur in the United States before our next issue comes out. We're posting two articles on the theme of fatherhood. The first deals with communication. The second can be found on the link to our Perceptions site. It's titled "When God Made A Father."

Father's Day used to be a time when loving family members went out and purchased socks and ties for Dads. Ties are rapidly going the way of the dinosaur and a gift of socks probably doesn't seem all that manly, even though Dad may sorely need them. Go ahead and buy the socks and try to keep him from wearing white sweat socks to church on Father's Day. On the other hand, he may not want any of those thin silk socks either. Go for something in between. Nowadays, he's more apt to want tools, fishing gear or golf equipment. While you're doing all that shopping, stop and reflect on the importance of fatherhood for a few minutes. I hope fatherhood isn't going the way of neckties. We need fathers and we need them badly. It's a good time to give Dad some encouragement.

Sometimes preachers hear the comment, "You quit preaching and started meddling." Some may accuse Mikal of doing that this week. Nobody's perfect in this respect. Her article made us a little uncomfortable with our own parenting history. If our adult children would be so bold as to actually give us a report card, we'd consider a B+ more than generous. Mikal expresses thoughts that many people think but are afraid to say. When you boil it down, she is saying parents need to teach their children the art of respect. If you're a parent, you may have to cool down a bit to receive her message, but we ask you to think about it carefully.

Norman and Ann

While the power of example is enormous, the task of fatherhood requires us to go beyond role modeling. The Old Testament tells stories about Eli and Samuel, who lived exemplary lives, but whose sons were woefully errant in their ways. A value structure has to be communicated. Old Testament fathers didn't attempt to delegate the spiritual instruction task to Bible class teachers, youth ministers, Christian schools and entertaining videos. No Hebrew father ever dreamed of sending his children to "The University of Moses" where he could expect the faculty to make up for a lifetime of parental neglect in just four short years.

Home schooling was God's plan and dads were neck deep in it. They didn't assign the task to their wives. They were told to speak of God's commands, ". . . when you sit at home and when you walk along the road , when you lie down and when you get up." They even used their clothing and their houses as visual aids. (Deut. 6:6-8). Communication is inherent in Ephesians 6:4 ". . . bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Paul specifically assigned fathers the task of instructing.

In order to be an effective communicator, today's fathers must have a clear perception of their objectives. For Christians our parental aims include:

• training our children to honor God.
• helping them to function as independent, responsible adults.
• giving them resources to cope with trials and difficulties.

To become effective communicators fathers must:

• Listen. Most of us prefer telling to listening. We will never actually know what our children need if we don't listen. If you're only listening with your ears, you're not really listening. You must listen with your eyes as well. Your face is even important to the listening process. The expression on your face tells your child whether you're listening or not. You also need to listen for the things your children do not say. Omissions in their conversation may say more than their words.

• Tactfully self disclose. Share your appropriate feelings. Admit your own shortcomings. Some children have trouble relating to God because God is called "Father" and they know their earthly fathers' weaknesses all too well. It's always a good idea to admit that God is the only perfect Father and that your performance falls far short of that. Children can handle the confessions of an imperfect father far better than they can handle the arrogance of a father who pretends to do no wrong.

• Utilize the teachable moment. In our own home, our children usually didn't respond all that well to our lectures, especially the ones that started, "when I was your age." Teachable moments occurred, however, in ordinary life experiences. Just spending time together in work, play, church activities and sharing special moments at the supper table provided our teachable moments. We are big believers in making sure the family shares mealtime at least once a day. It may be the perfect setting for teachable moments.

Two weeks ago I began this article about how to know if you are doing a good job as a parent. The first two indicators I identified were affirmative answers to these two questions: (1) Do I enjoy my children? (2) Do other people enjoy my children? Then as I discussed this issue with a friend, I realized that some parents live in enough denial that they are not aware that other people are not enjoying their children. I then decided I needed to make a list of behaviors that prevent others from welcoming your children into their presence. Or maybe you just have some very gracious friends who are able to overlook your children's behavior.

To examine your children's behavior and how their behavior affects other people, you must consider boundaries. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give the following definition of boundaries in their book by that title. They write, "Boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else, or shows where you begin and end." Children who are pleasant to be around have boundaries for themselves and respect the boundaries of others.

Now you might think, "Well, that is a lot to expect for a young child." It is absolutely not a lot to expect from a young child. In fact your children need to be taught boundaries early and have them reinforced frequently in order to be responsible adults and to learn about peace and joy. As I thought about this issue, it has occurred to me that God's teachings are about boundaries. In the first written law of the Ten Commandments, he gives us boundaries. The first four have to do with boundaries concerning our faith in Him and our relationship with him. The last six have to do with the boundaries between us and other people.

There are several areas in my world where I want children to observe boundaries. You may come up with more yourself. When children do not observe boundaries in these areas of my world, I do not want to be around them. I am not enjoying them, and the children are likely to get the message whether the parents do or not.

The first area that comes to my mind is in my office. Occasionally it is necessary for a child, even an older child, to have to sit in the receptionist area while I visit in another room with a parent or parents. I do not want children left unattended in that area or anywhere, but I do have a couple of things to entertain them with and places for them to sit. I do not want them to sit in the receptionist's chair that might be empty.

Following is a list of behaviors children have performed in my office which are disrespectful of my boundaries.

1. Sat in the receptionist's chair.

2. Played on the typewriter

3. Picked up writing utensils from the receptionist's desk.

4. Played with ink stamps from the receptionist's desk.

5. Played with the water fountain.

I am not set up in my office to offer baby-sitting and if children are there they should be well trained enough to respect other people's belongings and recognize when they are not to touch them.

A second area where children frequently cross boundaries is in my home. One time a mother said to me, "I like bringing my children to your house because you do not care about where they eat or drink and play." Well, yes, I did care, but I did not have enough courage to tell them where to eat, drink and play. Now I do. Parents, do not put your friends in a position to have to call your children down. Whether or not one of your friends does care where your children eat, drink and play, has no bearing on what you need to be teaching your children. Teach your children that there is a place and a way to eat and drink and there are places to play and places where you do not play. There are boundaries concerning these issues.

Other areas where respect is shown by respecting boundaries in the home are the refrigerator and other rooms. Children do not need to get in the refrigerator without permission and that only needs to be asked on very rare occasions. Children do not need to go into other rooms unattended and without permission. If a host says to your child, "No do not go in there," then by all means, keep your child out.

A third area where children need to learn boundaries on their behavior and respect for the rights of others is at church.

Some behaviors that need to be avoided at church are:

1. Getting up during the service and parading out to get water or use the restroom. By the time your child is five years old he can be taken to the restroom just before the worship service and be taught to stay seated until the service is over. If it is impossible to keep your child seated and you think he will need a restroom break, then by all means do not sit toward the front of the auditorium.

2. Any kind of play or behavior that is distracting to those behind, or interferes with their line of vision. Mom and Dad, you may think it is cute, but the vast majority of those behind you will not think so.

3. Children need to be in the service. I have been witness to 12-17 year-olds wandering around the building totally unsupervised because they just "did not want" to go to class or the service as it was too boring. Back when I was growing up decisions were not made according to "what we WANTED to do" but according to what was the right thing to do. But then most parents' greatest worry was that of their children being sent to detention hall for chewing gum in class.

A fourth place I want to consider, as a place where boundaries need to be observed is the telephone. I have phone conversations with some parents that will be interrupted as many as 5-10 times by their children within a ten-minute period. If your children need you that badly, get off the phone and tend to them. If they are not respecting your right to talk on the phone without being interrupted for petty things, then start teaching them. The other person you are talking to will not appreciate the often lengthy interruptions. The last place to consider which is similar to the previous, is when I am in a conversation with another adult. Children must be taught to not interrupt. They can be taught to wait until they are recognized and the parent has taken an appropriate break to find out what the child wants to say. If your children frequently commit these behaviors, your children are not respecting boundaries. The loser in all of this is your child. He is not learning social skills that will make him to be appreciated and desirable. Most of all he is not learning skills that will contribute to his peace and joy.

An unknown author wrote about an imaginary conversation between God and an angel. After God created fathers, an angel asked, "What kind of a father is that?" You can read the rest of the conversation