A television interviewer asked a world-renowned philosopher to identify the most difficult question in philosophy. He surprised the interviewer and everyone else when he said, "How do you raise children?" That's a good question and the people who claim infallible wisdom in that area either haven't raised any children or they really haven't paid attention to the dynamics of their home. Sensitive Christians know that fathers have an enormous responsibility in the parenting process, but most of us feel inadequate for the task. Today we begin a new series inviting our readers to consider the fact that our heavenly Father provides the perfect parenting model.

We continue to be blessed with Mikal's contributions to our newsletter. In her professional practice Mikal sees many children. Some of them are children of divorced parents. She laments the fact that children are often placed in the middle of parental disputes. In that process they are denied the blessings of childhood. Her thoughts on this subject begin in this issue and will be completed in our next issue. We think it one of the timeliest contributions to our pages that Mikal has ever made. Please read it and consider it carefully.

Norman and Ann

by Norman Bales

Where do you go to enroll in "Dad Training 101?" They don't teach that at Harvard, Yale, Princeton or even LSU. You can read books on fathering, but we learn best from examples? That's just the problem. None of us had perfect fathers. Where do you find the model father? Believe it or not we've got one. When Jesus taught his disciples how to pray, he said "This, then, is how you should pray: 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, . . ." (Matthew 6:9). Has it ever dawned on us that when Jesus taught us to address the God of heaven as "Father," he was pointing us to the perfect Father? Has it ever dawned on us that Jesus said he came to show us the Father? Over the next few weeks, I want to explore some principles we learn about fathering from the example of our Heavenly Father.

Basically there are two texts I want to work with.

The first is Matthew 6:6

"But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

The second text is from Matthew 7:7-8

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

From these texts, we will identify significant fathering guidelines.To begin with, fathers should be approachable. Our Heavenly Father is unseen and that's bit of a stretch for some folks. How can we approach Him when we can't see Him? This may be the most difficult lesson to learn. Someone said, "confidence is the glue that holds relationships together." I can't tell you how many times I've been encouraged when somebody said, "I've got confidence in you." But I can also tell you that it's an enormous discouragement when somebody says, "I don't have any confidence in you."

To have confidence in God we must believe that he's approachable. But how can we really trust Him when we don't see him? Our texts address that very issue. Jesus said "pray to your Father who is unseen." God is not going to physically make his presence known. But we know He is approachable because we have the assurance of his Son, who was seen and we have reliable testimony of those who saw the Son. And the Son, who made the blind see, the lame walk, calmed the sea and walked on water gave us this word of assurance. "Your father will see what is done in secret and reward you." He went on to say in the second text, "ask, seek, and knock." In each case, the Father is approachable.

God is not a reluctant Father. He doesn't feel badgered, jerked around, pushed in a corner or manipulated by his children. When we ask in prayer, He's not saying, "Oh no, he's down on his knees again." "How many times do I have to listen to that?" The Father is not annoyed when his children approach Him. On the contrary, He delights in hearing from us. Hear the words of Psalm 34:15, "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry."

What does that say to a man living in the twenty-first century who's trying to get a handle on being a better Dad? It says to me that I need to be approachable. I need to listen when my children come to me with their concerns. I know how hard that is. I've raised three sons and a daughter. And I remember the days when they were around ten or eleven. And they would go to a movie. I especially remember my boys reporting on having seen an action movie. And when they came home, I had to listen to what seemed every word of dialogue and they also threw in the sound effects. The only things I didn't get were the special visual effects. I don't know about you, but that's hard for me to listen to, but I did make an effort. But I think I've lived long enough to reap a few rewards from that. The youngest of my children is 32 years of age; the oldest is 41. They all call on the telephone and sometimes they actually ask Dad for advice. I don't know how often they take it, but I really like being asked. I really like being filled in on the things that are happening in their lives I doubt if that would be taking place today if I had pushed them away when they wanted to tell me about the adventure movies.

It helps to remember that my Father is approachable, even though the concerns I want to express to Him may be as trivial as my children's reports on an adventure movie. By the same token I need to create an atmosphere of accessibility for my children.

In the Next Installment: "Fathers Should Give Their Children Good Gifts

He is only three years old. Yet, he is oh so wise. The rest of us only get a glimpse of his turmoil and pain from the nightmares he is experiencing. They brought him to me because of the nightmares. But the nightmares are not his greatest problem. His greatest problem is that his parents are divorced and he feels a sense of loyalty to each of them. This burdensome loyalty is not missed by his parents. It is very valuable to both of them. They are both willing to use it to their advantage, even at the great expense of their child. He will pay the price. He will lose his childhood.

The twelve-year-old writes Grandmother, "Grandmother, why don't you let my mom come with us to see you? I know Dad is your son, but he left us." The grandparents' pain is too great and their health is failing. They did not make the mess and they do not know what to do with it. Whether or not they should open their door to their estranged daughter-in-law is beside the point of this article. This child should be taken out of the middle. When will he have time and/or desire to see how many fish he can get on a stringer or to improve his batting average?

It is the responsibility of the parents to keep the child out of the middle. But in a troubled, divorcing or divorced family, too often the child feels responsible for the parents, and the parents are willing to use his protection. The little three-year-old in my office knew when to shut down about the behavior of his parents. He felt a sense of loyalty to them. He had to protect them. They were responsible for his sheer survival. Therefore he needed to protect them and his relationship with them. If I acted too interested in something he was relating, he quickly changed the subject and went onto other things. He was the little man and it was his job to protect Mom or Dad. This is not a task for a three-year-old.

Too often in these situations a child is also told what to know and what to believe. Because of the severe loyalty, the child does not protest. He or she is told that what he knows he does not know and what he sees he does not see. Denial, as a faulty coping mechanism, can be taught at a very early age. They learn there are just some things you do not talk about and some you pretend are not happening. At a time when they should be learning about their feelings and what to do with them, they are told that the reality that is creating their feelings is not real anyway. At a time when they should be learning to trust themselves and others, trust of self and the others is snatched away.

In my experience, I have found it takes a very unselfish parent to choose to keep the child out of the middle. Very often the traits of being a good marriage partner are similar to the traits necessary to being a good parent. If one does not have the skills to be a good marriage partner, he/she also probably lacks the skills to be an adequate parent.

This week's "Perceptions" feature is different from any article we've ever printed. Jerry Hodge is a minister of the gospel. His father, Charles Hodge, is also a well-known minister, but Jerry's mother and his wife are the unsung heroes in the family. Jerry compares preachers' wives to the third verse of the songs in our hymn book - often unsung and unnoticed. His thoughts on this subject touched us deeply. They reminded us that there are many people who serve God out of the limelight. We need to pay more attention to them. You can read Jerry's thoughts