It looks like we're seeing a lot of the road these days. We spent last week in Cassville, Missouri in a period of concentrated study. Our hosts were Dan and Jill Amundson owners of Rock Village Court. Actually much of our study was devoted to a series of classes we have been invited to present at the annual Harding University Lectureship in Searcy, Arkansas. The event takes place on the Harding campus, September 29 - October 2. All our classes are scheduled on Monday, September 30.

Mikal's article this week is truly an eye-opener. She addresses the issue of the need to give children boundaries and guidelines for living so they will become productive, disciplined adults. We are so glad our children are already adults with children of their own. We may share this with them. But on the other hand, they may realize, by reading this that we really goofed in a lot of ways. We would like to believe a statement we read which said, "It's the grandparents job to spoil the grandchildren and the parents job to enforce the rules." That should be the way it works. Please share with us your reactions to her thoughts.

Norman and Ann

You can't love someone until you first learn to love yourself. You've probably heard that phrase at one time or another. As a matter of fact, we've said it and we believe it is true. After all, Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39). You can't fulfill that command unless you have a healthy regard for yourself.

Like any other truth, the principle of loving self can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. You can get so caught up in self-analysis, self-fulfillment, self-esteem, self-promotion and self-interest that you become self-absorbed. Your world is bounded on the north, south, east and west by yourself. You will not be able to love your neighbor, your wife, your family, your kids or anybody else because you've come to believe that your own needs, wants and desires take precedence over everything else. Preoccupation with self spells disaster for family harmony, church unity and all other relationships that matter.

While it's true that Jesus taught us to love our neighbors as ourselves, he also taught us to deny ourselves. "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me'" (Matthew 16:24). His disciples made servanthood their priority (See Mark 10:42-45). In the Matthew 22 passage, "self" is not the focal point of the command. Love for one's neighbor is the priority Jesus had in mind. Love for self only helps us to understand the extent of love that we are expected to display toward others. To make ourselves the focus of the command is to pervert the words of Jesus.

Stop and think about it. Self-absorption actually robs us of self-fulfillment. Self-absorbed people inevitably alienate themselves from others and end up without meaningful relationships. Maybe that's the reason Jesus reminded his apostles, "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first (Matthew 19:30)

Believe it or not, I sometimes DO hear parents say, "We gave him everything," or "We did everything for her." When I hear this, the parents are trying to understand why their child would go wrong or become rebellious. It is then my task to guide them to some boundaries and limits for a child who has never known them. Depending on the extent to which the permissiveness was practiced, the results of now pulling in the reins can be devastating to the whole family. By the two declarations offered above, the parents have identified already what the problem is. In attempting to get parents to provide structure and instruction for their children, I often quote Hebrews 5:8 - "Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered." One parent responded to me, "Yes, but that was Jesus." Whatever that means! I'm still perplexed.

I have found several situations that will bring parents to the path of anything goes with their children. The tragedy is that it is a path to destruction.

In some families this happens because the parents are extremely insecure. They feel they must have the love of their children and to deprive their children of anything, would cause their children not to love them. Besides this being an extremely foolish premise and one that is certain to insure the loss of a child's love, parents must come to the understanding that they are there for their children and this pattern is NOT to be reversed until the old age of the parent. Our children are not here to fulfill our need for respect or love or happiness. Parenting is a one-way street. It is the parent who is to fulfill the needs of the children. The child needs the parent to teach them about respect, about responsibility, about trustworthiness, about concern for others, and how to have peace and joy.

Another scenario that prevents parents from establishing appropriate structure for their children is when the parents are fighting through the children. One parent will be permissive and one parent will be strict. Their differences are addressed through their child. This will destroy the child and the issues will not be solved. Parents must present a genuine united front to their children. Parents must also build a boundary to protect their children if other adults, such as grandparents, undermine the instruction and training of the children. If a grandparent is allowed to enable the acting out of a child, it is because the parents have not chosen to stand together in a healthy manner.

In other families it seems that there is just so much chaos and lack of connection, that the easiest thing is to give in to the child so no one has to deal with it. It is likely that insecurity of the parents as mentioned above, contributes to the chaos and lack of connection. It is also possible that a power struggle fought through the children contributes to the chaos and lack of connection for the whole family.

Structure with an appropriate hierarchy must be developed to raise healthy and obedient children. That means parents must be parents, establishing boundaries and structure to raise children to the glory of God.

Some things you will never hear are from the mature adult are:

"I am so glad my parents never made me come in on time."

"I am so thankful my parents had a shiny, new car waiting for me when I came home with my driver's license."

"I am so thankful my parents cared enough that I always had the best in stylish clothes to wear."

"It means so much to me that my parents trusted me and never asked where I was going, who I was going to be with and when I would be in."

"I am so glad my parents never stopped me from going where I wanted to go."

"I am so glad my parents let me drop out of school."

"I am so thankful my parents let me make up my own mind about going to church."

"I am so glad my parents never cared enough to ground me."

"I am so glad my parents were afraid to make me follow the rules."

"I am so glad I never had to do chores."

"I am so glad I got to pick out a new toy every time I went to Wal-Mart."

Such freedom will produce children who are insatiable and have no idea of how to maintain peace and joy. They have a very hard time learning to be obedient to a loving Savior.

"When our family makes the annual Christmas holiday trek to my in-laws, a standard part of the visit will be piecing together one or more jigsaw puzzles. Because of the season, a holiday motif for the puzzle is expected with a high percentage of red pieces…it is amazing how many shades of red there are." You can read the rest of Eddie's thoughts