Every time we deal with people who are struggling through the consequences of divorce, we have a better understand of God's reasons for asking his people to remain married to the same person throughout their mutual lifetimes. Today's issue contains evidence from research that confirms God's wisdom.

The Columbia disaster is on most people's minds these days. We're all concerned about the possibility of war in Iraq. Our perceptions feature attempts to address some of the spiritual questions raised by events in our time.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

It's hard for us to write about the subject of divorce. We try to respond compassionately to those folks who have experienced the enormous pain of divorce. In a few instances, we have even thought divorce was necessary, but we have never considered divorce desirable. On the other hand, we believe God knew what he was doing when he designed marriage. We are as pro-family and as pro-marriage as it's possible to be.

In our "Mending a Messed-Up Marriage" programs we support two premises (1) Marriage can provide us with some of the most satisfying experiences in this life and (2) With God's help, even bad marriages can be improved. Recent research confirms our view.

USA Today (July 11, 2002) published a report on the findings of a national study conducted by Institute for American Values. The study, conducted by a research team based at the University of Chicago, suggests there is a significant difference between those unhappy people who choose to remain in their marriages and those who decide to divorce.

The research team looked at data on more than 5,000 adults.

Here's what they found out about those who were divorced.

• Divorce didn't reduce symptoms of depression.
  
• Divorce didn't raise self-esteem.
  
• Divorce didn't increase their sense of "mastery" (being in control of their own lives).
  
• Only about half of them were happy five years after the divorce.

Here's what they found out about those unhappy people who stayed in their marriages.

• Things often improved with time.
  
• Spouses who stayed together often actively worked on problem solving, communication and behavior patterns.
  
• Individuals worked at improving their own personal life skills. Apparently that had a positive effect on their marriages.
  
• Two thirds of them were happy five years later.

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

Several years Daniel Goleman authored a book by the title Emotional Intelligence. It was and remains a very popular book identifying emotional intelligence and detailing the value of the same. In the May 31, 2000 issue of All About Families I wrote an article titled "How to Fight Fair: Tension, Timing, Truth and Temperance." In my office I have a succinct one-page outline that describes fair fighting. It has occurred to me that the ability to fight fair is a great indication of one's emotional intelligence (EQ). In fact I will often give a copy of the Fair Fight Rules to each party in a couple who is involved in escalating and destructive quarrels, that is, couples who are not fighting fair. As I give them the sheet of paper I will tell each of them, "The extent to which you cannot fight within these guidelines, is the extent to which you need to work on yourself."

If I am going to be emotionally healthy, I will practice choosing an appropriate time to have a discussion concerning a tension-filled issue. Perhaps setting a time in advance is too structured, but at least choose a time when there will be a good environment and there will be time to discuss the issue. If we are on our way out the door to celebrate our anniversary or a grandson's birthday, that is not the time to talk about a budget that is not stretching far enough. If I am going to practice or develop good EQ then I can put such an issue on a mental shelf, not to be forgotten, but to be taken down at a more appropriate time.

People with good EQ will address a sticky issue. They will not stuff it to never be broached again.

Fighting in an emotionally healthy manner will never include violence, threats of violence or intimidating anger. Talking about the mate's family or friends will not be a tactic. Name-calling does not come from a healthy place. Threatening the long term of the relationship is not fighting fair and does not come from good EQ.

Probably one of the most important indicators of good EQ is the avoidance of blame. I keep a little card in my office that quotes Steven Stosny of Compassion Power fame. He says, "Blame paves the road to psychological ruin." When I discuss this with clients I also add "not only to psychological ruin, but to skid row, institutionalization and jail." To fight fair blame must go out the window. An "I message" must be used to share where you are on a particular issue and how the partner's behavior is affecting you." An "I message" is about sharing and a "you message" is about blame.

People with good EQ are able to share their feelings and also to understand the feelings of the other. People with good EQ are not afraid to address this issue. Understanding where your partner is coming from and having empathy with your partner can go a long way toward being heard yourself and solving the issue.

Being specific in a request or what you want comes from having good EQ. Some people must dance around an issue and make it seem that someone else was wanting something rather than claiming their own desires in a situation.

Good EQ will allow you to take a "time-out" when a discussion is escalating and either party is beginning to feel overwhelmed with emotion. Ask for time to cool off and let your partner know when you will be ready to try to discuss the issue again. If you cannot take a time out or allow your partner to have a cooling off period, then you have work to do on your own EQ.

Other behaviors to avoid are sarcasm, withdrawing, stonewalling and criticism.

The good news about EQ is that if you can start practicing the behaviors of EQ, you will grow in your EQ. Good EQ will produce these behaviors and these behaviors will produce good EQ.

Moreover, we will be acting in a manner that can enrich our relationships and not destroy them.

Jesus said in Matthew 10:16, "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."

To use Fair Fight Rules is to develop emotional intelligence and follow the admonition of Jesus.

by Norman Bales

When we lost the crew of the Columbia last Saturday, we received another reminder of life's brevity, the importance of family and the uncertainty of life. We've had a number of those earth shaking events in recent years - the loss of the Challenger crew, the Oklahoma City bombing, the Littleton, Colorado shooting and of course the tragic events of September 11, 2001. At times like these people ask questions about God. They want to know why he doesn't prevent such tragedies. I don't have all the answers, but I do believe I have a responsibility to the person who asks, "Does God make any sense at a time like this?" You can read more