March 5, 2003
Norman Bales, Editor
CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLES
"Another Look At Headship"
by Norman and Ann Bales
- "How's Your Perspective?"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
- PERCEPTIONS
"Keeping Our Focus on the Cross"
by Norman BalesJust Visiting
A few months ago we visited with some old friends whom we had not seen in many years. One lady had been our daughter's Sunday School teacher during her early childhood years. The teacher told a story we had not heard before. Years ago she was teaching the children about the Christian home. She said, "In the Christian family, the husband is head and the wife is in submission." Our daughter spoke up and said, "It sure doesn't work that way at our house." We had a good laugh about it, but it caused us to wonder just exactly what people think headship is. There seems to be many different perceptions of headship floating around these days. They range all the way from assuming a family has no head to assuming that men have the right to abuse other family members with impunity. Neither extreme is correct. In today's feature article, we try to discern the principles of headship by examining the relationship between the Father and the Son.
As usual Mikal hits a "home run." She addresses the topic of perspective. Some of us are so used to reacting to stressful events in our lives that we fail to make intelligent responses. Mikal suggests that whether we're dealing with family dynamics or the threat of war, the need is the same. We all need perspective, the kind of perspective offered to us by Jesus.
Norman and Ann
* * * * * ANOTHER LOOK AT HEADSHIP by Norman Bales
A few years back, we ran a series of articles on the concept of "headship." They are archived at our website beginning with
http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/98aaf14.html
and continuing through the next two issues. Today I want to revisit the subject and hopefully clarify some of the implications of headship.
One day I found a Bible someone left at the church building. I had hoped to learn the identity of the owner and return the Bible to him. I know a man owned the Bible. How? Although I couldn't find a name anywhere, I did notice that one passage was marked and only one passage. He marked the verses in Ephesians 5, which speaks of the wife's submission to her husband. That told me a great deal about the man, even though I didn't know his identity.
In my previous articles on the subject, I affirmed the "headship" of husbands. Even though I received some challenges at the time, I saw no reason to back down from my conclusion and I stand by those thoughts today. However, it occurs to me that terms like "headship" and "authority" might not mean the same thing to everyone. This came to my attention recently when Christianity Today published an article titled, "Headship With A Heart - How Biblical Patriarchy Actually Prevents Abuse" by Steven Tracy (February 2002). Tracy responds to several recent authors who link headship with abuse. Tracy does a good job refuting the claim that headship provides permission to abuse one's spouse.
I am convinced, however, that many people don't really understand what headship implies and what it doesn't imply. Some people seem to think the authority of headship implies the privilege of demanding one's own preferences. The husband is the boss of the house and if he wants a bowl of ice cream at 2 o'clock in the morning he has the perfect right to wake his wife and ask her to get up and get the ice cream for him. Some husbands might think, "I'm the head of the house. I get to choose which restaurant we visit." Another may think, "I'm the head of the house, which means I get to sit and watch television while my wife does the dishes." Still another may think, "I'm the head of the house. I will determine how the money is spent in this family."
I would conclude that all of these perceptions miss the point of headship. Tracy's article is most helpful at this point. The Bible uses the terms "head" and "equal" to describe the relationship between the Son and the Father. "The head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3). "My Father is always at work to this very day, and I, too, am working. For this reason, the Jews tried all the harder to kill him; not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God" (John 5:17-18). Tracy notes, "John teaches that headship is based on equality."
How can you be head of something and equal at the same time? The Father has one sphere of activity and the Son has another. I'm not trying to write a theological treatise on the nature of the Trinity. I'm trying to illustrate the fact that both terms can be used to describe the same relationship.
How does a father demonstrate his headship? The ministry of Jesus is most instructive along these lines. In his dialogue with Thomas Jesus said, "Anyone who has seen me, has seen the Father" (John 14:9). In his relationship to people Jesus demonstrated how the Father handles the role of headship. The ministry of Jesus was rooted in servanthood. He said, " . . .the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45). If Jesus is the model for servanthood in the home, does it not stand to reason that headship does not imply the husband's right to demand service? It is not his prerogative to order his wife to respond to his whims.
If "headship" doesn't give him the right to boss her around, then what on earth does headship mean? Headship centers in servanthood. As head of the wife, the husband becomes a provider, a protector, a spiritual leader. I'm amazed at the number of men who demand their position as head of the family, but they don't ever pray with their wives and yet this is an activity which the Bible assumed (1 Corinthians 7:5; 1 Peter 3:7). He is also one who treats his wife with honor, love and respect. That's headship. He is not a tyrant. The Bible doesn't make room for that. Peter Lombard has been credited with saying, "Eve was not taken from Adam's head because she was not intended to be his ruler, nor from his feet either, because she was not intended to be his slave, but from his side, precisely, because she was intended to be his companion." It's in the companionship relationship that the husband realizes his place as the "head of the wife."
* * * * * HOW'S YOUR PERSPECTIVE? by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
I recently watched the 1998 movie Affliction. I was drawn to this movie because of a comment I heard about the family dynamics exhibited in it. The dynamics were definitely there, and most true to form. Wade, a divorced father played by Nick Nolte, is portrayed as being much more concerned about his needs than the needs of his young daughter. Throughout the story, Wade seems to beat his head against one brick wall after another, never choosing to examine himself. Wade is a very haunted man, a victim of severe abuse from an unloving father.
Toward the end of the movie, after the family drama comes to a tragic and perhaps predictable climax, Wade's younger brother speaks about his older brother. He says, "You will say that I should have known terrible things were about to happen. You will say that I was responsible. But even so, what could I have done? Wade lived on the edge of his emotions. He was always first to receive the brunt of our father's anger. He had no perspective to retreat to, even in a crisis."
Wow, what meaningful words!! "He had no perspective." That is exactly what many hurting, angry and desperate people need. They need to be able to step back from a situation, consider the cost of their options, and then make a responsible choice. With a healthy perspective they would be able to make a reasoned response, instead of a costly reaction.
So many divorced parents are just like Wade. They are so interested in winning. They have no perspective. And they will try to defeat the other parent at any cost.
A fearful mate, who cannot step back and give his partner some space to examine her own feelings, needs a perspective.
A parent, who flashes into anger over a typical childish behavior or misbehavior, needs to get a perspective.
When Peter jumped in to cut off the ear of the servant of the High Priest, he needed a perspective. Jesus offered him a perspective. He said, "Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?"
Jesus makes his perspective even clearer in John 13:3. John writes, "Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God." Because of this perspective, in the most difficult of times, Jesus was able to gently wash the feet of those who loved him and the feet of the one who would betray him.
We are presently living in extremely troubled times. I have recently visited with some folks who are exceedingly distressed with the threats we are now living with every day. God has given us a perspective for these times. This perspective is clearly described in Romans 8:28-39. Starting with verse 35 we read, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
'For your sake we face death all day long; We are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Our perspective in the face of marital strife, difficulty with a child or missiles aimed at us from across the sea must be that none of these can separate us from the love of God.
What else can matter? WHAT A PERSPECTIVE!!!
* * * * * PERCEPTIONS KEEPING OUR FOCUS ON THE CROSS by Norman Bales
It happened more than twenty years ago. People were telling me how much they enjoyed a sermon I had just preached about Jesus. However, I wasn't prepared for the remarks of one lady. She congratulated me on the sermon and then added this statement. "It seems to me that we're supposed to be emphasizing Christ and him crucified, but we rarely talk about that." You can read my thoughts regarding this comment
at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200303.html * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is
Norman's e-mail address: