CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLES
  "THOUGHTS ON FAMILIES FACING OR INVOLVED IN DEPLOYMENT"
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• "GOING FOR THE GOLD, AN ESSENTIAL PIECE OF INFORMATION FOR PARENTS"
  by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
  
• PERCEPTIONS
  "Poverty Mentality"
  by James Bailey

  Just Visiting

  It has been several weeks since we came into your computer with All About Families. During that time we have visited our oldest son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren in the D. C. area. He is a Lt. Col. assigned to the Pentagon so we got to take a tour of the building. We should say, part of the building. There are 17 miles of corridors in the facility and we only walked a little over a mile. Thank goodness! We were there for five days and then we flew to Charlotte, NC to visit our second son. The two days we spent with him were not as busy but very restful. It is great to visit our children but it is always great to get back home.

  We have seen first hand the stresses placed on families when they are separated. It is difficult enough to be separated for a few days when one travels for business. That is usually within the states. But being separated by several thousand miles and being in harms way is a whole different ballgame. It is our hope that some of the things we share will be read and be helpful to some of our military families.

  Parents please read carefully Mikal's article and take it to heart. We know from personal experience that what she says is the truth. Hopefully, it will help you with parenting skills.

  Norman and Ann

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  THOUGHTS ON FAMILIES FACING OR INVOLVED IN DEPLOYMENT

  by Norman and Ann Bales

  Thousands of American troops are currently serving in overseas assignments. Many of those are now in the Middle East and separated from their families. This number even includes General Tommy Franks, Centcom's commander. At a recent press conference, General Franks remembered to wish his wife a happy anniversary, after having forgotten it earlier in the day. Of course most military people don't have the option of sending a greeting to a lonely spouse over CNN. But you can be sure of one thing. All the service people from General Franks on down miss their families terribly.

  It takes quite a toll on those folks back home as well. One soldier's wife poured out her resentment to a friend, who was also a military wife. She protested the fairness of it all. She expressed her anger, her loneliness, her need to have her husband at her side to help with raising the children. The friend, also a military wife, didn't try to cheer her up. She simply said, "You have every right to feel that way. Perhaps the place to start is with a listening ear.

  I'll never forget the experience when I (Norman) was eight or nine years old. We had just driven my uncle to the bus station for the first leg of a journey that would take him to Europe and eventually the Battle of the Bulge. My grandparents knew he was about to be placed in harm's way. Saying "good by" to their youngest son was almost more than they could bear. My grandfather was a quiet man. He chose to spend the rest of that day by keeping to himself and not saying much. Grandma, on the other hand, completely lost touch with her concept of time and space during that day. She kept walking around the house asking for her son. War sometimes does that to one's state of mind.

  We are greatly concerned about our troops and the families of our troops. Perhaps we have a little more interest than most. Our son is an officer; our son-in-law recently completed basic training and is likely facing deployment to the Middle East. This is hard for us, hard for our daughter and hard on our son-in-law and his ten-year-old son. We really can't imagine the level of anxiety that Jessica Lynch's parents felt nor the overwhelming joy when they learned that she had been rescued. And also the families of the POW's. We know a chaplain who has been called on to minister to families who have lost their loved ones. His job has to be almost overwhelming.

  As we've listened to others talk, watched the news, surfed the Internet and listened to family stories, we've come up with a few suggestions about coping with deployment.

  • Find someone who will listen to you. When we're in pain, we always need someone who will try to understand; someone we can touch and feel safe around. There's an old story about a little boy who was afraid to go sleep during a hailstorm. His mother said, "Why don't you pray to God? The boy said, "I've already done that but I need to talk to somebody who's got a face." Our maker created us as social beings. Because of our relationship with Jesus Christ, we have a very special relationship with God. Jesus himself said, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another." (John 13:35). That's neither an arbitrary command nor syrupy sentimentalism. Our Father made us to love and be loved and when our families are deployed we need an extra measure of it.

  • If you are on or near a military post or base, take advantage of the support systems that are available. Over the years I've observed my son and his wife and their relationships with fellow soldiers and spouses. We especially noticed how they responded to all kinds of human problems when they were at the company command level during the Persian Gulf War. Our military leaders have learned quite a lot about the needs of families. One place you can start is a search of the Deployment Link Website at

    http://www.dtra.mil/deployedsupport/.html

  • Communication Is Important. Some of our service people have limited access to e-mail during their deployment and some receive occasional telephone calls. We're assuming that traditional mail still runs. But what kind of communication do the service people need to hear? Advice runs the gamut from "Don't talk about anything bad at home" to "let it all hang out." We come down somewhere in between. While we don't think those communication opportunities ought to be the occasions to air family controversies, neither should they be times of pretending that nothing ever goes wrong. I recall talking with a wife, whose husband was in Vietnam. She thought her husband was having a good time and cheating on her while he was in Nam. Perhaps the opportunity was there, but Vietnam was not the swinging place to be in the late sixties and early seventies. Neither is Iraq today. We offer one practical suggestion. Communicate things that are happening around home. They already know who won the Final Four and the major league baseball standings, but they don't know how Johnny did in a T-Ball game last week or that little Celeste is teething now. They don't know that your street got a new layer of paving last week or that you got a promotion on your job. Talk about those things. It's music to their ears. It tells them that something is still right with the world.

  • Work On Your Relationship With God. Many of our service people are doing exactly that. In recent days we've seen television pictures of tents filled to overflowing during religious services and baptismal services taking place in the desert. Some people call it "foxhole religion" and maybe that's what it is. Maybe it will fade away when the danger fades. But then, on the other hand, it just may be the time when young men and women come face to face with who God is for the very first time. The families left at home also need to cling to their relationship with God. If you do not have a church family where you are, go to the base chapel. They have services for Catholics and Protestants. Perhaps you will find things in the service that you are not used to, but you will find families that are struggling with the same kind of problems you and your family are facing. We're reminded of Paul's last letter to Timothy. Only Luke was with Paul, but he wanted to see Timothy and John Mark. Sometimes he didn't have that luxury. On occasion he had to face difficult circumstances without any human support.

    In verses 16 -18, he wrote, At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

  You may feel like the apostle Paul at times, but if you are willing to step out and seek out those that can help you in your loneliness, you will be thankful that you did.

  We pray that the Lord will rescue our troops from every evil attack, but more importantly we pray that they and their families might be brought safely into his heavenly kingdom.

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  GOING FOR THE GOLD, AN ESSENTIAL PIECE OF INFORMATION FOR PARENTS

  by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

  Do you remember Pavlov's dogs? Remember how he rigged up a bell for them to ring and every time the bell rang, food would fall out of a little spout. The dogs caught on very quickly. They learned the process so well that they began to salivate with the ringing of the bell, even before the food fell. Going a little bit further with the experiment, when the spout stopped spouting food, the dogs very quickly learned that also. They quickly stopped ringing the bell.

  But there was even more to learn using these same elements of the experiment. A different pattern was put in place. The dogs would ring the bell and food would fall one time, but not the next. Then it would fall again and skip two or three times. This rather irregular pattern was allowed to run for a period of time. The dogs kept ringing the bell because once in awhile it was productive. Then the food was cut off completely. It no longer fell, not even periodically. What did the dogs do? They kept ringing the bell. Remember in the first experiment, when the food stopped falling, the dogs quickly stopped ringing the bell. They knew it was not going to yield anything for them. But with this last irregular pattern in place, it took them much longer to decide to stop "going for the gold."

  This is called intermittent reinforcement in the terms of behavioral psychology. And as these experiments illustrate, behavior that has been intermittently reinforced is the very hardest behavior to break.

  This is the pattern I see everyday in the parent/child interactions that come into my office. I have gotten a little braver as I continue working in this field. Now when a parent is in my office and instructs their child and the child does not obey, I say, "Your child is not minding you." Or, "Mom, did you want your child to stay in that chair?" Then the parent usually gives the instruction again and with some wrangling finally gets the child to follow the instruction, most of the time.

  If you are not being consistent with your child and following through with appropriate consequences when your child does not obey, you are giving your child intermittent reinforcement. To change this pattern, you must first change your mindset. I used to hear the explanation that your child's life may depend on it. The following example would be given: "If your child is running toward a railroad track and you see a train coming, you may not have but one time to tell your child to stop and come back."

  Believe it or not, in the last few months, this very scenario happened. The media told it this way. A little 10-year-old girl was running down the railroad track. Her father saw her and saw an oncoming train. He yelled at her to get off the railroad track. She did not follow his instructions. She was killed.

  I once had a friend who was also a mother say to me. "You can't expect a child to stop when you tell him 'no.'" Well, yesssirree Bob, I do expect them to stop on the first command. Mom and Dad, you do not need to count to 3 or 5. You do not need to make threats. You give the instruction and let there be a sure and swift consequence, kindly administered, when there is disobedience.

  You see, this is the same pattern that takes adults to gambling spots over and over. They are going for the gold. They are intermittently reinforced and such a flaky possibility of gain is enough for them to lose their entire future. If adults will risk everything for an occasional short term gain, I assure you your child will do the same.

  Mom and Dad, obedience is important for this life, but your child's eternal salvation may also depend on it. In Matthew 28:20 Jesus says, "...and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

  * * * * *
  PERCEPTIONS
  Poverty Mentality

  by James Bailey

  Have you ever found yourself completely engrossed in material things? Do you ever feel envious of your friends because they seem to have more "things" than you do? If you answer yes to either of these questions you will benefit what James has to say in our perceptions today. You may read about it

  at
  http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200304.html
  * * * * *

  If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

  Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org