When we first married, neither of us knew how to handle criticism from each other nor how to give it. We can honestly say that after forty-three years (forty-four in December) both of us have learned a few positive ways of giving and receiving criticism. Much of what we are saying in these articles is things that we have learned by trial and error.

It will sound like old hat, but Mikal has again written an article that fits in very well with ours. Without integrity we wouldn't care how we handled criticism or responded to it. Mikal said that she used some of her husband's thoughts about this. Together they did a great job on this project and you will appreciate what they have to say.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

Do you remember this clever doggerel?

We have a different perception. If we may be allowed the liberty of poetic license, we would like to rewrite the verse.

In every work place, every home and every social relationship, criticism is a fact of life. When Lyndon Johnson was president of the United States, he said, "If I quoted the 23rd Psalm, Newsweek would say I didn't do it right." George Washington was hissed and booed when the drove down the street. Every president in the history of the United States has been vilified, disparaged, belittled, ridiculed and scorned. That same spirit filters down to every human relationship.

Critics often speak words with little understanding of the mess they cause. They are not required to be intelligent. Albert Einstein said, "Against every great and noble endeavor stand a million mediocre minds." Faultfinders always have excuses. One protests, "I was just trying to help." Another says, "I really wasn't serious. I meant it as a joke." Still another will go on the attack, "Don't you think you're just a little too thin-skinned?" Several years ago, a therapist shared his thoughts about so-called constructive criticism. He said, "Baloney is baloney any way you slice it."

For some reason, those we love the most seem to receive more verbal abuse more than anyone else. It's really understandable. We spend more time with those folks than we do anyone else. We know them better than we know others. Unfortunately, we sometimes know them so well that their faults are magnified. The Christian home becomes a place for judging motives, indicting and second-guessing. We presume on the closeness of the relationship and tend to throw caution to the wind. We overstate, neglect common courtesy, forget about tact and refuse to communicate diplomatically. We're brutally honest (with special emphasis on the brutal part). We think that we've been given a mission to straighten out those things that are lacking in our loved ones. In the process we often end up with alienation, misunderstanding, resentment, emotional distance and heartache.

But how do you handle it when you honestly believe another person is pursuing a course of action that is either harmful to themselves or others? How do you discuss a weakness you observe in your spouse? How do you correct misbehavior in your children without questioning their value and worth? We must be careful. "Blowing your stack" rarely improves relationship. It usually discourages more than it helps. We would like to suggest that we replace the term "criticism" with the word "correction." Even that term carries some negative baggage, but it is a far more precise expression. The Bible assumes the necessity of corrective discipline in the home. The Hebrew writer addressed it this way. " . . .. the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?" (Hebrews 12:6-7). There is a legitimate time when we must express disagreement, make suggestions for behavior modification and call for a revision in attitudes, actions and behavior. But how do we go about it?

• Examine yourself. Before you go storming into someone's life like a bull in a China close, consider you own human frailty. We all bring baggage to the table including preconditioning from our previous experiences, prejudices and rationalizations. We need to remember that Jesus taught us to look at the board in our own eyes before we try to remove sawdust from the eyes of someone else.

• Make yourself a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem. People will usually listen to us when they know we will roll up our sleeves and help them overcome a problem. But if the only thing you are willing to do is stand on the sidelines and yell, "you are wrong," you're not likely to receive a positive response. In reviewing the various lists of spiritual gifts in the Bible, we've noticed that the gift of criticism is not among them. In fact "gift analysis" is not even one of them.

• If you think you need to correct someone, be sure you know where he or she is coming from. There's a story about a photographer who rushed to the airport and noticed a pilot sitting at the controls of an airplane. He had been assigned the job of taking aerial photographs of a forest fire. He told the pilot, "Let's get this plane in the air right now." The pilot did as he was told. He ordered him to fly in the direction of the fire. The pilot did as he was told, but remained at a discreet distance from the fire. The photographer said, "You've got to get closer. I want to take good pictures of the fire." At this point, the photographer noticed a look of terror on the pilot's face. The pilot said, "Why are you taking pictures?" The photographer said, "That what I do." Then the pilot said, "You mean, you're not my instructor?" When we start assuming things we can be in as much trouble as the pilot was.

• Make sure you speak out of a heart of love. Love permeates the hearts of those who follow God. If we do not love we don't have permission to speak. A hateful diatribe doesn't do anyone any good.

Norman and Ann

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

Note: A few days ago my husband spoke at the Ohio Valley College Commencement. He spoke on this topic of integrity. The message was so good that I am borrowing many of his thoughts for this article. I have his permission.

When former Senator Alan Simpson introduced Gerald Ford at Harvard University, he said, "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't, nothing else matters." Obviously he was telling us that Gerald Ford was a man of integrity.

Why is the influence of integrity so all-encompassing? Because, as one writer describes it, integrity is an internal compass. It is by this compass that decisions are made. Integrity continually points one in the right and honorable direction.

My mother would say of the man who has integrity that "his word is as good as his bond."

It is the businessman who has integrity who knows before any business decision, he is going to do what is true and honest.

It is the teenager who has integrity who chooses to avoid a crowd who may encourage him to get into trouble.

It is the mother with integrity who puts the needs of her family before the tugs of other worthwhile endeavors.

It is the Christian with integrity who makes decisions based on the instructions of Jesus.

I have heard the concept of integrity illustrated with an egg. When you crack an egg and put that raw egg in a pan, egg white encircles the yolk. The reason the egg white and yolk do not run together is because there is a thin membrane that protects the yolk from running into the white. This membrane protects the integrity of the egg yolk. The membrane keeps the egg yolk whole.

As Christians, our Christ-like values are the membranes, which protects our integrity. It is from an internal center of control that we make decisions. That internal compass is our guide.

The poem, IF, by Rudyard Kipling is a beautiful illustration of integrity in action.

If you can dream-and not make dreams your master;
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the thing you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings-nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more-you'll be a Man my son!

Jesus says it like this, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." (Matt. 6:24) Choosing to serve the Lord gives us integrity. We cannot be lukewarm or have a permeable integrity.

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters."

by James Bailey

Conventional wisdom urges us never to trust a car salesman. However there's a car dealer in Little Rock, Arkansas who seems to be cut from a different piece of cloth. Find out more about this remarkable man