Note of explanation: The newsletter is late getting out this month due to Ann's health problems. She is battling a summer "bug" of some kind. We'll try to do better next month.

It's always a pleasure to be invited to visit with you about our families. Ann, Mikal and I appreciate the opportunity to share our thoughts about family challenges. From the beginning we have tried to make this newsletter a source of practical help. We've often said that we were long on practical help and short on issues. We're catching up on some of the issues this month.

For many years we have enjoyed the artistic talents of Katherine Hepburn, but her values disappointed us. The more we learned about her family of origin, the more we were convinced that her unique family background contributed to her success as an actress, her opinionated independence and her secularized view of life. Because her life has been so widely publicized, we think it provides significant insight into the way family decisions and actions continue to influence subsequent generations for many years to come. That's the reason we chose to write on trans generational influence. Our thoughts will probably be controversial, but if our premise is true it has some enormous implications for the manner in which we conduct family life on a day-to-day basis.

Mikal attended this year's Smart Marriage conference. She has used her article space to share some of the insights she gained during the seminar.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

" . . .I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me . . ." (Exodus 20:5).

This thought from the Old Testament has always sounded a little strange to us. It's not God's nature to impose punishment on people because of something their parents did. Perhaps this scripture speaks more about the suffering families experience when negative behavior traits remain unchecked in families of origin. Three or four generations down the road, your descendants will probably be repeating actions and attitudes that can be traced all the way back to you. That may or not may not be the explanation for the teaching of Exodus 20:5, but it is true beyond doubt. The old adage "like Father, like son" is more than a cliché. It's an observable fact. Those who came before us heavily influenced us. But it's not just father and son who repeat the same behavior patterns. It will continue in subsequent generations until someone decides to break the mold and start over. Even then, we are affected by those who went before us. Sometimes their influence affects us in subtle ways that we may not even recognize. A picture of Norman's father rests on a shelf in his office. In the photograph he wears a cowboy hat. The hat is cocked to one side. When Norman wears a hat or a cap, he often tends to wear it at the same angle.

The recent passing of Katherine Hepburn illustrates multigenerational family influence. For eight decades Katherine Hepburn provided delightful entertainment for theater audiences and moviegoers. She won four Oscars and set a record for the most nominations, which was not surpassed until Meryl Streep did it this year. Beyond that she was a fascinating and interesting person.

On one occasion she told a reporter that she lived life on her own terms. She once said. "I don't regret anything I've ever done, as long as I enjoyed it at the time." Those who paid tribute to her described her as a free wheeling, independent person. She was somewhat eccentric and most certainly egocentric. There's a reason her autobiography is titled, Me.

As an actress, we admired her. Her moral and spiritual values were a disappointment. Her long time liaison with Spencer Tracy is a documented fact. Although she was not an intellectually shallow person, her thoughts about God are troubling. When Barbara Walters asked her to reveal her beliefs about God, she said, "I never had time to think about it." When she was interviewed on her 81st birthday, she expressed some of her feelings about dying. She said, "I look forward to oblivion because I am gradually disintegrating. I don't fear the next world or anything else. I don't fear hell and I don't look forward to Heaven." In the October, 1991 issue of Ladies Home Journal she was quoted as saying, "I'm an atheist, and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for people."

On other occasions she did not appear to be quite as hostile to faith in God. She said, "I'm not following a God that's imagined . . . Can't invent His deity. That's why 'Jesus is the final answer to Who I want my God to be.' He's who I want my God to be." To us it seems she may have been confused. Her statement about Jesus doesn't seem to square with her professed atheism.

What part did her family heritage play in all of this? It would be presumptuous for us to claim that we knew how her mind operated. However her biographer, Barbara Lemming, reveals a family history that may provide some clues to her way of thinking. Her great grandfather failed in business. He had three sons, two of whom were successful business people. The oldest brother Amory Houghton became successful through his own initiative and headed up the Corning Glass Company. His younger brother Fred was Katherine's grandfather. He was artistic but melancholy and given to periods of depression. He never succeeded in business and lived in the shadow of Amory. Amory became so concerned that he moved him into his own house. Shortly after that Fred shot himself to death.

Carrie Houghton, Fred's widow, then took charge of the lives of her family. If Fred had been introverted to a fault, then Carrie leaned in the opposite direction as an assertive woman. At a time when women had limited ways of earning income, she saw to it that her daughters got formal educations all the way through college. One of her daughters, Kathy, who was Katherine's mother, was fiercely independent and made a name for herself as a leader in the Women's Suffrage movement. According to Lemming Katherine lived a mostly unrestricted life in her childhood (This is proven in her book, ME). However, Kathy's fierce, driving desire to succeed was passed along to her daughter.

There was another family episode that most certainly played a role in shaping Hepburn's life. She found her older brother Tom hanging in his room. He was still a young man. Even though what she had seen first hand seemed evidence, Katherine would never believe that it was suicide. From the picture presented in her various biographies, Katherine Hepburn's family of origin indicated a long history of depressed men and assertive women. Her family dynamics influenced her thinking, her drive, her independence and probably her theology (or lack thereof).

In reading about her, we have been impressed with the fact that her life choices were strongly influenced by family dynamics that were present in at least three generations. Fred Haughton was born just after the Civil War. Katherine Hepburn lived until 2003- a span of about 135 years.

So what's the point in all of this? We see her story as an example of trans generational family influence, much of which was negative.

The Biblical principle of trans generational influence was borne out in the lives of numerous Biblical families. Eli's story comes to mind. Eli was God's priest, but his sons didn't follow their father's example. Although they were responsible for their own sins, Eli shared in the blame. According to 1 Samuel 3:13, " . . . he failed to restrain them." That decision, or more accurately his failure to make disciplinary decisions, not only resulted in his own death and the death of his sons, but also reverberated in subsequent generations. Eli was told, "Although good will be done in Israel, in your family line there will never be an old man. Everyone of you that I do not cut off from my altar will be spared only to blind your eyes with tears and to grieve your heart, and all your descendants will die in their prime" (1 Samuel 2:32-33).

We are not suggesting that God will sentence your children to some horrible fate because you failed in your parenting skills. We are suggesting that you are making decisions today, which will affect your children, your grandchildren and their children. What you do and say shapes your children's attitudes, moral standards and beliefs either negatively or positively. As Grandparents and parents we need to take our responsibilities very seriously. Think about it. What you do today may well shape the lives of your descendents who will be living in the 21st century.

Norman and Ann

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

For some time, Diane Sollee, LMFT, LPC, recognized the standard therapy for troubled marriages did not seem to be very effective in improving marriages. But something else did seem to work. Therapists were developing courses that taught skills necessary to enrich and maintain very healthy marriages.

Ms. Sollee created the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couple Education and six years ago the coalition sponsored the first Smart Marriages Conference. Jim and I had the privilege of attending the 7th Smart Marriages Conference a couple of weeks ago. The information shared was outstanding. In this writing I want to share with you some noteworthy quotes from this conference.

Wade Horn, Assistant Secretary for Children and Families opened the conference with the first plenary session. Dr. Horn informed us of the effort the federal government is making to strengthen marriage. At one point he was commenting on the good news about families. He was considering the children who have grown up with divorce and he said, "I have yet to meet a child who says, 'You know, I grew up with divorced parents and when I grow up I want one of those too.'" I have met children who dared to claim they did not want their parents together, but Dr. Horn's point is well made. No one grows up with the goal and dream of getting a divorce.

Dr. Horn also shared a quote from Gloria Steinem as he pointed out that the critics of the traditional family were changing their tunes: "Being married is like having someone permanent in your corner. It feels limitless and not limiting."

A shocking bit of information from Scott Stanley, Ph.D., is that only 30% of high school females believe marriage has any benefits. A major focus of the marriage education movement is informing people of the benefits of marriage. Sound research proves married people are healthier, wealthier, happier and have better sex than their single counterparts.

Dr. Stanley also talked to us about the advantages of marriage over co-habitation. He said, "Marriage flips some switch for men that turns on a higher level of responsibility and sense of sacrifice." He continued, "Knowing whether or not someone will jump over low hurdles (as in co-habitation) for you tells you nothing about jumping over a high hurdle (as in marriage) for you."

Stanley added, "Women begin sacrificing for men when they are emotionally attached. Men begin sacrificing when they are fully committed. This means men get a much better deal out of co-habiting than women."

Frank Pittman, a legend in the marriage and family therapy field, also shared with us about the importance of fathers. His message was informative and entertaining. He had much important information, but two of his statements stand out to me. He said, "There is nothing a man can do that a woman can't, except be a father. Not a sperm donor, but a father." Later he said, "We all marry the wrong person, we are the wrong person, that is the starting point." My commentary on this statement is that we learn to agape as we stay in the crucible of a relationship. Then we become the mate God would have us be.

Jim and I have ordered recordings of these three speakers and several others. You can do the same at