We never ceased to be amazed at the way our articles and Mikal's seem to compliment each other. There is never any collaboration between us and yet month after month we seem to be thinking along the same lines. You will be blessed by both of these articles. Also the perceptions article this month follows "right" (no pun intended) along with the same theme.

Three weeks ago today Ann had surgery to re-attach her Achilles tendon on the right foot. She has been unable to put any weight on that foot since then so she is in a wheel chair. Three weeks from today the cast will be removed. We are hopeful that she will then be able to go back into a "boot" and then to walk again. Please remember her in your prayers.

Norman and Ann

A few days ago I watched a young couple promise to love each other "till death do us part." Ann wasn't there but if she had been present she would have said, "It was a beautiful wedding." And that it was. As wedding ceremonies go, it was most impressive all the way from the tastefully selected music to the beautifully dressed wedding party. The bride and groom were obviously enthusiastic about their love for each other. They promised to love one another through the hard times. But do they really understand what that's about? They promised to love one another in sickness and health. But do they have any notion about the enormous stresses that sickness can place on a marriage? The officiant didn't stay with the usual wedding ceremony script when he asked them to repeat their vows. In the middle of that beautiful ceremony, he addressed some of the tough issues commonly experienced in marriage. He even asked them to promise they would not be irritable. At that point there was a titter of laughter throughout the crowd. I was really wondering how they were going to pull that one off.

Can they stay in love for twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty years? Cynics ridicule those naïve romantics who would dare to suggest that they can. A satirist wrote these words about love in The Nation Lampoon. " Fall not in love, therefore; it will stick to your face."

I'm not so pessimistic. I believe they can keep their love alive, but I would also attach some very big "ifs." If they understand love and if they practice what they understand they can keep love alive. I could say quite a lot about the misunderstanding of the nature of love. I agree with the preacher who said, "I believe love is primarily a choice and only sometimes a feeling." But even there a husband or a wife seems to run into difficulty when they've got to eat dinner with the same person over a number of decades.

Maybe we need to turn conventional wisdom upside down. Conventional wisdom says, "Love is maintained by repeating positive acts over the course of a lifetime." I can't fault that, but maybe we also need to give attention to some negatives.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Paul listed fifteen characteristics of love. Five of them are negative. If things aren't going the way you planned in your relationship, it might be a good idea to give serious attention to some of the negative characteristics of love.

• Love is not jealous. Jealously is a feeling we allow to develop when we become dissatisfied with who we are, what we are and how we are being treated. When we think we are being left out, we become jealous and harsh in our treatment of others. Jealousy threatens a marriage relationship because it shifts the focus of our love. The focus is no longer on one's spouse. The focus is turned inward on self. The dissatisfaction level increases because the jealous spouse now fears that he or she will fail to receive some advantage, which the other seems to enjoy. A satisfactory relationship cannot develop until we change the focus and learn to rejoice when the other spouse receives accolades, attention and benefits of various kinds.

• Love does not boast. There's an old Jewish saying that "Man was created on the sixth day so he could not be boastful, since he came after the flea in the order of creation." That can really mess up your mind when you think about it. Suppose you're prone to boast about the way you look. You spend hours in front of a mirror trying to make yourself the most attractive, most handsome person walking the streets. Stop and think about it. We all came from dust. Those hours in front of the mirror simply involve re-arranging dirt. I'm not saying we shouldn't be concerned about our appearance. I'm simply saying you should not think you're God's gift to the human race because of the way you look. If your looks are good enough to land you a role in a movie, that's great, but you're not superior to a person whose face has been disfigured in a car wreck. The same principle can be applied to skills, talents and abilities. Love doesn't have to be boastful. It is recognized by its actions.

• Love is not proud. Humility is the essence of love. In a loving environment there's no place for feeling superior. Husbands and wives need to avoid the temptation to look upon their relationship as some kind of contest in which there has to be a winner and a loser. Love breaks down in a marriage when husbands and wives play one-upmanship games in a misguided attempt to prop up sagging egos.

• Love is not rude. The conflict level in contemporary marriages could be greatly reduced if husbands and wives would learn to avoid rudeness. It's hard to do because the self-help gurus of the world keep selling the message of assertiveness. Some of us think assertiveness means putting other people in their place. Love doesn't grow in a put-down environment.

• Love is not self-seeking. We're back to the root cause of jealousy. Love can only flourish when we learn the grace of self-denial. We have to get over the need to control others. There is a paradox here. If you seek self-aggrandizement, self-glorification and self-indulgence, you will probably come to the end of life as a miserable person. On the other hand, if you learn the principle of self-denial life will be much more satisfying for you. When you get involved in serving the needs of other people, your own sense of self-worth begins to flourish.

Cardiologists concern themselves with the plaque that clogs up the heart's arteries and reduce its ability to keep us alive and healthy. Several medical procedures make it possible for the diseased heart to function in a healthy manner. Maybe your heart is clogged with jealousy, boasting, pride, rudeness or self-centeredness. You're life will be better and your marriage will improve if you're willing to undergo open-heart surgery. You are capable of expressing love to your spouse, even if you haven't done it in a long time, but you have to understand that it means getting rid of some plaque that you've grown accustomed to. Basically love means you don't go with your gut; you go with what's right.

Norman

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

It was their second session in my office. Their marriage had become an ongoing pattern of stonewalling. They were taking care of business and business only. There was no affection in their tones. One of them said, "We both have just shut down." I asked, "How are things in the bedroom?" They turned to one another and just stared. Finally the husband said, "Well, in the last year, it's been virtually dead. Sex has been nearly non-existent."

When I was a student at Abilene Christian University, I had the privilege of having a Christian psychology class under Dr. Max Leach. I can remember him saying, "When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are usually found in the mattress." Couples report difficulty in their sexual relationship as one of their top three problem areas.

Michele Weiner-Davis is a leader in the field of marital therapy. A little over three years ago I attended my first Smart Marriages Conference where she was a plenary speaker. She is a petite woman with tremendous spunk. As she moved across the stage with an emphatic gait she addressed the issue of the spouse who refuses to be sexual with his/her mate. Her message was: "Take the Nike approach. Just do it!" The audience of well over a thousand therapists, ministers and interested lay people broke into applause. This message was going against the grain of what had seemed to be the message to the masses of the me-first generation. That message had been to take care of number 1. If you want to say "no," say it. But, thankfully, another direction is now being applauded. Dr. Pat Love, another leading female in the field of marital therapy addresses the folly of the following position: "I am refusing sex with you, but be faithful to me." She gives a very informative message in her book Hot Monogamy. When a spouse is denied the sexual relationship as a norm in the relationship, than the denied spouse is being put at risk for adultery (1 Corinthians 7:5). The spouse who chooses to step out of the bounds of marriage is responsible for his/her choice to sin. The mate who has not participated lovingly in the sexual relationship is not without culpability.

In 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, God says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent..."

Davis has authored a new book titled The Sex-Starved Marriage. In this book she addresses the low-desire partner that exists in so many marriages. In this groundbreaking book she also promotes the Nike approach. Along with her "just do it" message she addresses behaviors of both partners that can increase the desire of the low-desire partner and bring understanding to both. The bibliotherapy accomplished by this book is quickly reducing my workload, and I will continue recommending it.

A healthy sexual relationship and participation with your mate increases the connection you feel and moves you toward achieving the glorious mystery of marriage Paul wrote about in Ephesians 5:32.

The deceased Ed Wheat, M.D., spoke of marriage as a private kingdom shared between a husband and wife and the King, Jesus Christ. In his classic Intended for Pleasure, he wrote, "Our physical love relationship becomes the walled garden, the innermost courtyard of the kingdom, and it is a sacred place."

These three books I have mentioned in this article provide great resources for the couple that is having difficulty in this area.

God intended that our physical relationship in marriage be a refuge, a glorious connection, a becoming of one flesh. To deny your partner and yourself that pleasure is against God's will.

Unknown Author

Have you ever faced the dilemma of being tempted to violate your ethical principles when no one is looking? Maybe it was some rule that seemed trivial and insignificant. Maybe you caught you're self thinking, "It's no big deal." "Who's ever going to know." "It won't hurt just this one time." This story from an unknown writer makes a powerful point about just such concerns.