CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLES
  Keeping Marriage Alive When You're Old (1)
  Is There Life After Middle Age? by Norman and Ann Bales
  
• JESUS, MAN OF SORROWS, PRINCE OF PEACE
  by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
  
• PERCEPTIONS
  "The Great Omission"
  by Jerry Hodge

  Just Visiting

  Frank Pittman is an ardent defender of the concept of marriage. His insights are unique and valuable. These thoughts got our attention. "Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than wasting your adulthood looking for a structure."

  We think his comments are right on target. We've seen many people bail out on marriage because it failed to make them happy. Pittman thinks they have their priorities reversed. You work on building the marriage first and happiness comes after that. It's only when we are fully committed to one another in the marriage relationship that we can have hope of happiness. That will take place despite obstacles that must be overcome. Pittman believes "It must withstand change, aging, loss of youth, loss of beauty, loss of youthful hopes, and an expectable lifetime full of disappointment." Today we begin a series of articles, which we hope will be encouraging to married couples in their older years and also to those who aren't there but will eventually get there.

  Norman and Ann

  * * * * *
  "KEEPING MARRIAGE ALIVE WHEN YOU'RE OLD"
  Is There Life After Middle Age?"

  by Norman and Ann Bales

  We're old - not middle aged, not senior citizens, not mature adults. We're not exactly sure when we got there, but we are part of the older generation. When you take away all the varnish, remove all the veneer and stop playing games with words, we're just flat out old. That's the bottom line. The calendar says so. Middle-aged people don't have Medicare benefits. We do. Middle-aged people don't attend their 50th year high school class reunions. We've already been there and done that. We heard our classmates discussing aches and pains, health benefits and retirement plans. We didn't have those conversations when we were fifteen.

  Like most of our contemporaries, we enjoy all the old age clichés that put a positive spin on things. "You're only as old as you think you are" is one of them. "You're only as old as you feel" is its second cousin. By that standard we feel about 102 some days. Sometimes we drag ourselves out of bed and hope to compete with the world's "go-getters," but by 10 o'clock in the morning our "get up and go" has already "gotten up and gone" and we're ready for a nap. On the other hand, there's Robert Browning who said, "Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be - the last of life for which the first was made." We learned those lines in our high school English literature classes. We didn't have a clue as to what they meant when we recited the words back to our teachers.

  Is the best really yet to be? We may be on Medicare, but we don't have prescription benefits and the cost of medicine takes a big chunk out of our paycheck. We refilled a single prescription recently and the bill came to a little less than $500. Our bodies seem to be falling apart. We are now on a first name basis with many of our doctors and that has never happened before. Norman still works full time and Ann has a home-based business, but how long will that last? And we are enormously blessed by children and their spouses and grandchildren. On top of that we enjoy the loving, warm support of our church family and we have numerous high quality friendships. Many old people live lonely, isolated lives. We don't have time to get lonely. We feel needed, wanted and loved, but not everyone shares our experience.

  To some degree our path toward comfortable old age is blocked by the attitudes of those in our contemporary society, who have little use for the elderly. In the common mind, old people are rigid, bitter and cantankerous persons who are preoccupied with their aches and pains. Our culture is so youth absorbed that older folks tend to buy into the premise that young is good and old is bad. It's common for older people to deny their age. Lady Nancy Astor once said, "I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." Bernard Baruch was so deep in denial that he said "I will never be an old man. To me old age is always 15 years older than I am.

  Browning Was Right

  From our own experience, however, we think Robert Browning was onto something. There's one description of aging that really rubs us the wrong way. We don't like to be told that we're in our declining years. That may be true with regard to the health of our bodies. Our economic future may be uncertain, but do you really know an investment counselor who can say for sure what the stock market is going to be like five years from now? We're not morbid, but we know we're inching closer to the time when death will end our wonderful union, but so are the youngest newlyweds. Despite all the disadvantages we think this is a great time to be alive. It's a time to work on improving our relationship. We believe a relationship has room for improvement even when you've got one foot in the grave.

  The State of Marriage Among Older Couples

  Fifty-six percent of all United States citizens over 65 are still married. Two-thirds of those between the ages of 65 and 74 are still married. Believe it or not, 28 per cent of those over the age of 85 are married. Where do you go to find help for enriching your marriage when you can no longer even lay claim to being middle aged? If you read the marriage literature, you get the impression that the experts offer all kinds of advice for younger married couples. Some even deal with the way you handle marriage after the nest empties. But few explore the topic of marriage for those who can still remember the Roosevelt administration (Franklin, not Teddy). Can you improve your marriage when your own children start having grandchildren? Should a married couple even think about relationship enhancement when eyes dim, hair turns gray and your step is "less sprightly" than it used to be?

  We believe the answer is, "yes." We take a proactive stance toward the viability of marriage in later life. In fact we agree with Joseph Barth who wrote, "Marriage is our last best chance to grow up." Earlier this year the Wall Street Journal published a disturbing article written by Jeffery Zaslow

  http://www.careerjournal.com/columnists/movingon/20030618-movingon.html

  in which he claimed the divorce rate among the elderly has taken a significant spike since 1990. He also echoes Margaret Mead's theory that marriage was designed for people in the early years of their lives at a time when most people didn't live to be more than fifty. David Blankenhorn and Tom Sylvester, who contend Zaslow got neither his facts nor his philosophy right, have challenged his claims.

  http://www.americanvalues.org/html/wsj_again.html

  Certainly divorce does happen among older people. We regard it as a tragedy when it does take place, but we don't think divorce among older folks has reached epidemic proportions.

  In this series of articles, we want to address two groups of people: those who are old and those who aren't. That takes in just about everybody doesn't it? If you are a younger reader, we hope to help you think outside the stereotypical box and appreciate the blessings of being an older married person. Maybe we can take away some of the fear of aging. Barring an unexpected tragedy, you can plan on getting old and there's a better than even chance that you'll still be married when you get there. Maybe it would be helpful to think about preparing for the time when you wake up one morning and suddenly realize you're married to an old man or an old woman, whichever the case may be. We like Fred Astaire's philosophy. He said, "Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young."

  We also want to address older married couples. When you are forced to admit you've gotten old, we hope you won't think like Ptah-hotep, the ancient Egyptian philosopher (2500 B.C). He said, "Old age is the worst of misfortunes that can afflict a man." We don't believe it and we don't think you should either. Admittedly there are some complications that come with aging. You may be dealing with a "hitch in your git along" (That's Texanese for limping). Maybe a good orthopedist can help you with that and maybe he can't. But you need to understand this. If you've just started receiving Medicare, you may well be alive twenty years from now. There's also a good chance that you and your spouse will still be together then. If we're going to be looking at each other across the dinner table every evening for the next twenty years, we want a quality relationship. We hope you do too. Over the next several issues, we hope to explore several topics related to this important issue. Among the topics we want to consider are the following:

  (1) The Bible and Aging. That's going to get interesting because Sarah wore maternity clothes when she was 90. The Bible doesn't treat old age as if it were a disease.
  (2) The difficulties older married couples face. There are some legitimate problems unique to aging, but that's true of every stage of life. Do you remember how things were a few years back when you were trying to deal with aging parents and adolescent children at the same time? At least you don't have that problem to confront. Even so it doesn't pay to deny your challenges.
  (3) Improving your marriage. Some things, like Swiss cheese, get better with age. It can also be with marriage. You've probably got more time to work on your relationship. Hopefully you learned from past mistakes. You're facing the prospect of going on a great ride, give or take a few bumps along the way. We hope to suggest a few things that will help it to be so.

  Stay tuned. We promise it won't be boring. * * * * *
  JESUS, MAN OF SORROWS, PRINCE OF PEACE

  by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

  My goal that day was to locate my friend and reassure her of my connection to her. I was aware of secret sin in her life. She knew I knew. I also knew a tragedy had hit the life of one of her children. I hugged her, told her I loved her and asked how she was. She responded, "I'm great, always."

  This response set me to thinking. Are we great? Can we be great - always? There certainly did seem to be many examples of Christians and followers of Christ in sorrow. Even Jesus is referred to as "A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3)

  In his commentary Matthew Henry writes about this verse from Isaiah: "It was not only his last scene that was tragical, but his whole life was so, not only mean, but miserable, --but one continued chain of labour, sorrow, and consuming pain."

  In John 11 we see where "Jesus wept" and he "groaned within himself" as he dealt with the death of Lazarus and the grieving family. In Matthew 23:37 Jesus grieved over the rejection of Jerusalem. In the garden He prayed in agony and "His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." (Luke 22:43)

  Yes, Jesus, our Prince of Peace was also a man who knew great sorrow. In Luke 22 when he is described as being in agony, I do not believe he would have responded to someone, "Oh, I'm great, always."

  I certainly have my days when I am burdened. I have been so very burdened on occasion that I was led to a time of fasting and prayer.

  What is the harm of not addressing the pain we feel, of not sharing it with others?

  • When we cannot acknowledge our own pain, others will not want to come to us if we take on the façade of no understanding of such pain.

  • We are fooling no one but ourselves.

  • We teach our children to live in denial, which can lead to grave consequences in their relationships.

  • It is not honest.

  • It prevents us from truly connecting with others. Intimacy is shared privacy, joy and sorrow.

  • If I cannot share my pain, I lose out on one of God's greatest blessings, the encouragement of my brethren.

  • Perhaps most tragically, if we deny our feelings, then we will not be struck with Godly sorrow that brings us to repentance. (2 Corinthians 7:10)

  We must acknowledge our God-given feelings of joy and sorrow. In John 16:20 Jesus says, "Most assuredly I say to you that you will weep and lament... but your sorrow will be turned into joy." Jesus is speaking of his death and resurrection. Yet he continues in verse 33, "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

  In Job 14:1 Job tells us "Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble."

  Christian author Larry Crabb reminds us in his book Inside Out, "An aching soul is evidence not of neurosis or spiritual immaturity, but of realism."

  We live in a world where there is tribulation, where we war "against the rulers of the darkness of this age ... and wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12) We will not always feel great.

  Even in our trials though, we can choose peace. Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you." (John 14:27)

  In times of struggle, God is our refuge. In Deuteronomy 33:27 Moses writes, "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

  * * * * *
  PERCEPTIONS
  "THE GREAT OMISSION!"

  by Jerry Hodge

  Postmodernism can be scary. To those of use who have been around for several decades it seems like the postmodernists are telling us that nothing is nailed down. Our methods of communication don't work very well in a postmodern world. It's like trying to speak to an audience in English when he audience only understands Spanish. However, it's a little trickier, because the postmodernists use the same words we do. They just don't mean exactly the same thing. So how are we going to communicate? Will we insist on speaking in a language they can't understand? Our friend Jerry Hodge doesn't claim to have all the answers, but he does understand our challenge. Please take the time to read his thoughts

  at
  http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200310.html
  * * * * *

  If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is href="mailto:mikal@allaboutfamilies.org">mikal@allaboutfamilies.org

  Norman's e-mail address: href="mailto:nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org">nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org