Recently a friend said, "I love to see Christmas come and I love to see it go." That's pretty much our sentiments. It's a busy time and it can be exhausting. As you will notice when you read our feature article, we could use some experiences that are a little less exhausting.

Certainly no one knows the exact date when Jesus was born, but isn't it a wonderful thing to know that every December the world's attention turns to Jesus. When we think back to the nativity story in Luke 2, we draw a mental picture of a small but devoted family sharing the precious moment of birth in the presence of cows and sheep. Their sense of family was strong enough to get them through an experience with inadequate lodging when the Savior of all mankind was born. That same sense of family led them to elect mutual protection when Herod slaughtered the babies and the family of Jesus fled to Egypt. Maybe that's why Christmas has become such a strong family occasion over the years. There's nothing about Christmas that we value more than the opportunity to bond with family.

We're really excited about Christmas this year. Our youngest son and his family are planning to come for a visit. We will be touching other family members by letters, phone calls and e-mail messages even though they are widely scattered. Our son-in-law will spend Christmas in Iraq, but our daughter will have the privilege of being with her older brother and his family, so she won't be alone. Jim (Mr. Jim as he is known to readers of this newsletter) and his wife Tracy will be spending the time with friends, but in our hearts we will all be together. We hope your family will enjoy being together this Christmas.

Norman and Ann

by Norman and Ann Bales

If you've been married for forty years or longer, nobody has to tell you that married life isn't exactly what you thought it would be four decades earlier. You don't talk about the same things; you don't pursue the same interests; you don't deal with the same problems. Very few of us had premarital counseling forty years ago, though we may have received advice from trusted friends. If you did have premarital counseling, it's doubtful that anybody said anything at all to you about the obstacles that would frustrate your relationship forty years down the road.

We don't seem to fight some of the same battles that complicated our relationship in the early years. We pretty much know what we'll take and what we won't take. We know when to cut the other person some slack and when to hold one another's feet to the fire as an expression of tough love. Once our daughter, when she came home for a visit, heard us speaking rather sharply to each other. She said, "You two are terrible." Ann said, "You don't understand. We are each other's conscience." We're not going to get our feelings hurt when we confront each other and when we hear a careless remark that slipped out because the speaker didn't engage in his or her brain. We are secure in our relationship and devoted to the welfare of each other.

Nevertheless long term married people face some significant challenges. Here's a partial list.

• Health problems and physical challenges. A few years ago, we moved into a house where the roof had just received new shingles. The old ones had not yet been picked up and still littered the ground. Some were on the steps of the back porch and made it difficult for us to get in and out of the house. We decided we had to remove them quickly. There were too many of them to pick up by hand. The job would go much faster if we removed them with a shovel. Unfortunately Norman had broken his left arm and Ann was suffering from bursitis in her right shoulder. How were we going to clear the steps? We took stock of our resources and soon realized that Norman had one good right arm and Ann had one good left arm. Norman got on the front end of the shovel and Ann got on the back end. Together we had one reasonably healthy body. We were able to move the shingles in reasonably short order.

  In the Bible, Paul wrote, " . . .outwardly we are wasting away day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:16). Medical researchers talk about discoveries that may extend the human life span, but no one has come up with an antidote for death. The human body atrophies. Sometimes health breaks down suddenly but more often than not, human bodies go into a slow decline. The healthier partner will need to think about assuming a larger portion of household responsibilities. You may have to acquire some new skills. You can pretty much forget about traditional male and female domestic roles. The healthiest person does what needs to be done.

  Your marriage may also be affected by decreased libido. Although most adult children cannot imagine their parents still engaging in sexual intimacy, it happens. Most couples are capable of sexual fulfillment even in advanced years, but not with the same intensity they have known before. A couple has to learn what works for them and what does not. Medication helps some, but it can also have some dangerous side effects.

  Even if you're healthy, you probably will realize that your level of stamina and endurance has been reduced. Someone has described old age as "The Metallic Age." You have silver in your hair, gold in your teeth and lead in your bumpity." You may have to decide which strenuous tasks you're going to continue doing and which ones you'll jettison.

• Financial problems. No matter how well you may have planned for retirement, your retirement income may not be enough. You may have envisioned going on cruises, vacationing on the beach or in the mountains or purchasing a lake cottage for weekend getaways. Most retired married people probably won't be able to do those things. You may have to use your cruise money to purchase a power wheel chair. Even though the new Medicare legislation promises some relief on prescription drugs, it's not nearly enough for most people who are on expensive maintenance medicines. In our case we could probably make monthly payments on a car for what we spend on prescription drugs. We know married couples that have been retired thirty years or more. They tried to plan for it, but inflation ate up much of their savings. In that period of time benefits from all kinds of retirement plans may well be exhausted or greatly depleted.

• Communication difficulties. Some of it is physical. Many older people suffer from hearing loss. Sometimes hearing aids help and sometimes they don't. Then there are those so-called "senior moments." You aren't sliding toward the darkness of dementia just because you experience some minor forgetfulness. Even as we write, we find ourselves more dependent on a Thesarus than we've ever been because the exact word we want to use just doesn't come to mind. If you fail to understand that forgetfulness is normal, you might make unreasonable demands of your spouse. If you've been married more than forty years, you need to give your spouse a little more leeway in the memory department. Perhaps you told him last night that you've been invited out to dinner this evening. It's a good idea to check with him today and make sure that's on his calendar.

• Time. You've got two problems with time. For one thing, you've got more discretionary time than you've had at any point in life, except for early childhood. What are you going to do with that time? Do you have plans and goals that will enhance your relationship? Secondly, how will you manage spending a greater portion of your life in each other's presence? Men have been known to get on their wives' nerves when they no longer leave for work each day. A retired businessman opened a new business shortly after his retirement. He said, "I don't really have to work but I'm not allowed to be at the house during the day."

One elderly gentleman said, "This aging thing is more complicated than I thought it would be." He's exactly right. The challenges aren't the same for every couple, but you can count on making some kind of adjustments in your relationship. Maybe you'll have to learn how to use a shovel together. If you're a man who has never cooked, you may have to learn how to follow a recipe. If your handy man husband has a stroke you may have to take on snow shoveling and lawn mowing. You may become a caregiver to your spouse who is incapacitated. The man who thought old age is complicated was exactly right. But it's not impossible. As a matter of fact it can even be rewarding. We'll talk about that next time.

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

I had finished my marriage and family studies and had begun to build my practice. I cannot remember a time when I did not struggle with extra pounds on my person. This time was no exception, so I decided to visit a hypnotherapist about the issue. He had studied quite literally under many of the gurus I had studied through literature. We enjoyed talking shop and his encouragement in losing weight was nice, though not as effective as I had hoped. He was well versed in the systems approach to therapy and relationships. As we visited we talked about power struggles and I am sure I must have informed him that I thought I was pretty well rid of such entanglements. So as we visited he said, "Don't look at that door facing over there." Well, I did not look, but I was astounded at the force I felt to look. I continue to have to acknowledge from time to time that I am again caught up in a power struggle or status struggle.

It is awesome how prevalent these things are. October 9, Jim and I were blessed with one more little grandchild. This is our first granddaughter and she has two brothers who are 7 and 8. I went to their home after the maternal grandmother left to do my grandmotherly stint. After supper was done and dishes up and homework finished, the boys and I had a "slumber party" each night. We three slept in the den. One child on a couch and the other grandson and I slept on the floor. (I could have had a couch, but not alone, so I was quite content to share the floor.) As we lay there to begin our night's sleep, the 7-year-old says, "Germodder, I can't sleep. So, since these children have a therapist grandmother, how could I resist? I replied, "Okay, that's all right. Just don't close your eyes until you go to sleep." Now, as soon as someone tells you not to close your eyes, what do you want to do? Yep, after a comment or two about "yes, it was okay to blink," they were out in seconds. The next night we had the same routine. This time I just volunteered, "Now don't close your eyes until you go to sleep." The 7-year-old pipes up again, "Why are you saying that Germodder, because it worked last night?" "Yep," I replied. And it did work again.

This is just another example of how our own stubborn will can really cause us to lose all control of our lives. We have a powerful urge within us to be the captain of our own ship. Hmm, that sounds a little bit like wanting to save your own life. But Jesus says in Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Life is about turning loose over and over. In the end we have no certain control over anything except our relationship with Jesus. That one thing cannot be taken from us.

It is when things are beyond my control in a way I do not like that I become unhappy. I must give these things permission to be from my heart of hearts, or they have controlled me and stolen my peace and joy.

The frequently heard adage is correct: "Let Go and Let God." When we do this we submit to his precious will and will have the experience of the hymn MY STUBBORN WILL:
Verse 3 of this hymn sums up the freedom we can know in Christ:

"Thy precious will, O conqu'ring Savior,
"Doth now embrace and compass me;
"All discords hushed, my peace a river,
"My soul a prisoned bird set free.

Chorus:
"Sweet will of God, still fold me closer,
"Till I am wholly lost in Thee;
"Sweet will of God, still fold me closer,
"Till I am wholly lost in Thee.

by Norman Bales

I have some mixed feeling about the Christmas season. I've tried to sort out some of my thoughts on the subject and I've posted them