January 14, 2004
Norman Bales, Editor
CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLES
Keeping Marriage Alive When You're Old (4)
"It Can Be Rewarding"
by Norman and Ann Bales
- MOM AND DAD, SHOW ME A SERMON
IMPARTING FAITH TO YOUR CHILDREN
"Preparing Them for the Battle"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
- PERCEPTIONS
"When Rules Hinder Compassion"
by Norman Bales- health problems and physical decline.
- financial difficulties
- communication difficulties.
- time.
- Older couples tend to relate the same way they did when they were younger. If they made each other miserable during their younger years, the misery usually gets worse as they grow older. If you haven't reached the "Golden Years," it is in your best interest to work hard at improving your relationship now. Of course it is quite possible to make all kinds of mistakes in your younger days and work on developing a better disposition in the latter part of life. Bill Cosby once claimed that his grandmother became a nicer person in her later years because she was trying for heaven. It will take grace to get you to heaven, but you can work on being more thoughtful, considerate and sacrificial now regardless of your age.
- Those who concentrate on serving one another are more content in their marriages than those who focus on being served. Billie Burke once said, "Age doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." Well, yes it does. At least it does in a marriage. We experience decline in DHEA, testosterone and estrogen as we age. Married couples don't experience it at the same rate. One spouse or the other is likely to face a serious health problem. That usually means one partner will need to take on more responsibility than the other. Maybe a wife will have to start mowing the lawn. Perhaps a husband will need to learn how to cook. Those who fare best in marriage are those who consider these added responsibilities a privilege rather than a burden. Tiredness is a small price to pay in comparison to the joy that comes from the sheer blessing of serving. Sometimes those of us in the Christian community misunderstand the nature of serving. We have been trained to believe that self-denial is a virtue. C. S. Lewis noted that self-denial is really a negative trait. Self-denial stops with what you won't do. Unselfishness rises to the level of Biblical teaching when it gives way to positive acts of love. Jesus taught us to deny ourselves, but he followed that imperative with this one. "take up (your) . . . cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). In the best marriages, mutual servanthood takes place.
- Happily married couples laugh a lot. The author of Proverbs wrote, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones" (Proverbs 17:22-KJV). There's an abundant amount of laughter in our house. Sometimes we even laugh at our problems. We like to think it's better to laugh than to cry, although we need to do both. That's why it's so important to spend time around people who are pleasant and cheerful. Joy is contagious.
A good marriage is good for older people. Since the seventies researchers have been telling us that older people in healthy marriages live longer, have fewer health problems and have a general sense of well being. University of Chicago professor Linda Waite goes so far as to say, "Marriage is sort of like a life preserver or a seat belt." She also said, "We can put it in exactly the same category as a good diet, exercise and not smoking." Of course the opposite is also true. If your marriage is seriously conflicted, you're probably going to be worse off. A good marriage in old age is not determined by the position of the stars, genes, fate, good health or luck. To have a good marriage you have to work at it every day. That's true regardless of age.
* * * * * MOM AND DAD, SHOW ME A SERMON
IMPARTING FAITH TO YOUR CHILDREN
"Preparing Them for the Battle"
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC"If you have seen me, you have seen the father." -- Jesus
I have two new little granddaughters. One was born October 9, 2003, and the other was born December 18, 2003. The first is the third child of my son and his wife. She joined her two older brothers. The second is the first child of my daughter and her husband. These new parents are charged with the task of imparting a saving faith to their children and going about the ministry of reconciliation with these new creatures. "Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation." (2 Cor.5:18). Parents, particularly fathers, are charged with bringing their children "up in the training (nurture) and admonition of the lord." (Eph. 6:4).
There is no more formidable task than reconciling our children to the Father. But what is this about "preparing them for the battle?" These two precious little additions to our family along with their older cousins/siblings are born into a world that is at war. In my office I have a picture of a father who is kneeling over the bed of his sleeping child. He is in prayer. Through the window behind him a battle is raging. Depicted are two angels, one of darkness and one of light. They are at war. In Revelation 12:17, John writes "And the dragon was enraged with the woman, and he went to make war with the rest of her offspring, who keep the commandments of God and have the testimony of Jesus Christ."
John Eldredge, in Waking the Dead, writes, "War is not just one among many themes in the Bible. It is the backdrop for the whole Story, the context for everything else." He continues, "Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days, we will not understand life." In Ephesians 5:12, Paul writes, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." We cannot impart a saving faith to our children without preparing them for the battle.
How is a parent to perform this marvelous ministry? This most important work must not, cannot, be a "Don't do as I do, but do as I say" kind of proposition. For parents to accomplish the goal of teaching a saving faith to their children, the parents must practice this kind of faith and model it for their children. Our children will see the sermon we are modeling a thousand times over the sermon that we may preach. Our children may hear our words, but they will believe and duplicate our actions.
Keeping in mind that our children will duplicate the patterns we have modeled for them, how shall we go about being that model? I am suggesting that we model ourselves after the perfect Father as he is depicted in Psalm 103. Using the traits described in Psalm 103 will result in our children replicating the behaviors and producing the fruit of the Spirit of Galatians 5:22, 23. This is the core of these articles I will be sharing.
A HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: How about going to your computer and printing off Psalm 103. Then as you read it, underline the traits of God as a father. God does each of these perfectly. Beside each of the traits give yourself a score on a scale from 1 - 100. Consider how you would know you are growing in each trait.
In the meantime begin a special prayer to be repeated often as you work through these lessons. Ask for growth in agape, wisdom and courage. These traits in a parent will lead to success in the ministry of reconciliation.
NOTE: When our children become adults, they do have a free will. Satan is smarter and craftier than they or we are. We as parents will never be perfect. We can only strive to be men and women after God's own heart. What I will be sharing in these next few articles is what will give us the best results. Even still there is a very real power of evil to which we all must respond. Some do not remain faithful.
* * * * * PERCEPTIONS "When Rules Hinder Compassion" by Norman Bales
"Sometime ago I got trapped into discussing divorce and remarriage. I usually try to avoid that one. Walking through mine fields is not my cup of tea. But I couldn't find a convenient foxhole, so I had to oblige the attacker whether I wanted to or not. During the conversation, I said something about God's desire to forgive people who commit sin. I was quickly reminded that we can't allow our compassion for people to determine what we are going to believe. But should we abandon compassion when we study scripture?" You can read more
at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200401.html * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
Just Visiting
Today we begin Volume 9 of All About Families. People have been reading our material on their computers for eight years. We are amazed that you would put up with us that long. We are also gratified to know that some of you think we've helped you. We appreciate those who forward our newsletters to others. We have no idea how far the influence of this modest effort may reach. We're thankful that our Heavenly Father has given us the ability to keep this effort going.
Today we close our series on "Keeping Marriage Alive When You're Old." At times we wondered if anybody would even be interested, but we have learned that interest was very great as our mailing list has increased weekly. This is an area that certainly needs more research and encouragement.
Mikal is starting a new series on communicating values to children. Parents have an enormous challenge ahead of them in this day and time. We appreciate Mikal's insights on this vital subject.
Norman and Ann
* * * * * "KEEPING MARRIAGE ALIVE WHEN YOU'RE OLD"(4)
"IT CAN BE REWARDING" by Norman and Ann Bales
In his 91st year, world-renowned cellist Pablo Casals made these remarks, "Age is a relative matter. If you continue to work and to absorb beauty in the world, you find age does not necessarily mean getting old. At least not in the ordinary sense. I feel many things more intensely than ever and for me life grows more fascinating." One day you're going to wake up and realize you're married to an old man or and old woman. Then you'll have to admit that you're old too. Can a married couple really feel things more intensely and find life more fascinating in their senior years? We believe they can.
Old age is not a disease. "Old age in and of itself is not a social problem, for it is natural and inevitable" (Gray and Moberg. The Church and the Older Person.). In our previous installment, we recognized the fact that achieving the goal of marital satisfaction will be something of a challenge for older couples. These challenges include
Every marriage will be different. We know elderly couples that are financially secure, in good health and good spirits. They love to travel, pursue hobbies and share entertainment choices together. In truth we also know elderly couples that are capable of sharing all these good things, but they don't get along. They fuss and fight over what they're going to do and where they're going to go. They spend a lot of time with each other and they get on one another's nerves. A therapist concluded that in some marriages if a spouse should tell another spouse, "breathe for the next thirty minutes", the other partner would try to hold his or her breath."
On the other hand, we know some couples who don't have many assets set aside for their retirement years. They don't go on cruises and live in gated communities with other retired people. They struggle with money and health issues, but they are reasonably content. What makes the difference? We don't now the complete answer to that question, but we've had close relationships with elderly people since we were young. We've spent a lifetime observing older married couples and here are some things we have noticed.
- health problems and physical decline.