All About Families, June 22, 2004

tml> All About Families, June 22, 2004


	Volume 9 Number 6 June 22, 2004 Norman Bales, Editor CONTENTS JUST VISITING FEATURE ARTICLES HOW ARE WE DOING WITH MARRIAGE? by Norman and Ann Bales MOM AND DAD, SHOW ME A SERMON IMPARTING FAITH TO YOUR CHILDREN "The Battle Belongs to The Lord" by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC PERCEPTIONS "What Makes You Angry" by Norman Bales Just Visiting We've been looking across the same dinner table at each other for nearly forty-five years. If we were so inclined we could write a devastating article about our failure. We could express all our resentments, hurts, unfulfilled dreams and heartaches, but if we end up focusing on those things, we'll forget about the good stuff. This month we want to share some of the strengths we can identify in our marriage. We think they are worthwhile goals for any couple contemplating marriage, any married couple who wants a better marriage and for any married couple who wants to turn a marriage around that's headed in the wrong direction.. Norman and Ann * * * * * "HOW ARE WE DOING WITH MARRIAGE?" by Norman and Ann Bales We have ambivalent feelings about the state of marriage in our culture. We are disturbed about the prevalence of cohabitation, initiatives that are being taken to recognize gay marriages, the divorce rate, infidelity and spouse abuse. We are also concerned about those people who present themselves to the world as happily married couples and conduct all out war against each other inside the four walls of their home. It's hard to objectively assess the condition of marriage in our current culture. We are keenly aware of widespread marital dysfunction, but we also know married couples who are doing fabulously well. They work together and even find their relationship strengthened when they are forced to deal with sickness, economic instability, unexpected job changes unwanted moves, violence and uncertainty. As far as we are concerned, the daily trials of life become manageable because we hold and embrace each other every night before we go to sleep, affirming our love for one another and talking to our Heavenly Father. That fortifies us to face our daily problems and grants us a peaceful nights rest. Two reports on the state of marriage have been issued in recent months, which reflect both optimism and pessimism about marriage. These numbers are taken from a Fox News report on May 17 and from George Barna's website - http://www.barna.org. 5 % of all first marriages end in divorce. The likelihood of divorce is lowest among men and women over the age of 60. In 1970 the median age for a first marriage was 21 for women and 23 for men. By 2000 that number had risen to 25 for women and 27 for men. By age 65, 95 percent of all men and women have been married. 56 per cent of all adults in the United States are currently married. Three out of every four married adults attend church. During the month of July, the Marriage Amendment proposal will be debated in Congress. The Marriage Amendment is a proposed constitutional amendment to define marriage as a relationship between a man and a woman. It will be hotly contested and right now sentiment seems to be about evenly divided between passage and rejection. The very fact that we are debating such an issue suggests that we have reached a critical time in our history and there is much at stake. It goes beyond the political arena and ultimately affects how we perceive marriage, its purposes and the definition of family. In 1980 futurologist Alvin Toffler predicted a meltdown of the family. It hasn't occurred yet and we don't think it is going to. Biblical marriages will survive the current crisis regardless of decisions made at the level of government. Ultimately the people who marry one another determine the success of their marriage. It is impossible either to preserve or eliminate marriage by legislative decree. On the other hand, our lawmakers reflect the values of the people who elect them and we are quite disturbed about the way some of them define marriage and the possibility of a looser definition of marriage and family. We are not handwringers and we don't see marriage going down the tube because a pressure group comprising no more than 4 to 7 percent of the population (Barna's estimate) is trying to shove their definition of marriage down the throats of the rest of us. We see people enjoying strong marriages at every age level. We watch Godly husbands and wives stand by each other in life threatening situations. A spirit of sacrifice and unselfish servanthood is alive and well among many people in our society. Those folks don't make headlines in the newspapers and you won't see their faces on the evening news, but they are there and they're the backbone of our civilization. For more than eight years All About Families has been a small voice on the internet attempting to strengthen marriage and family ties. We believe it is a worthwhile pursuit and one that needs to be continued. We are committed to doing what we can to preserve and enrich marriages and to recommend preventive maintenance as the best solution to marital crisis. Finally we have repeatedly emphasized the importance of recognizing the correlation between faith and marriage. Jesus made it clear that God is the third partner in a marriage (Matthew 19:6). When we talk with troubled married couples, we usually come away with the impression they have faith problems. Either they are excluding God from their marriage or they don't have a total commitment to let God control the marriage partnership. We're reminded of a scripture text that doesn't directly relate to marriage, but most surely applies. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1). * * * * * MOM AND DAD, SHOW ME A SERMON IMPARTING FAITH TO YOUR CHILDREN "The Battle Belongs to the Lord" by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC As I am writing this article, I am sitting in Edinburgh, Scotland, at the University of Edinburgh. Jim and I are attending the Pan-European Lectureships. I knew I would have to send my next article in this series from here. My plan was this would be the final article in this series and I was struggling with how I would bring it all together. It just so happens that the theme for this lectureship is "The Battle Belongs to the Lord," from 2 Chronicles 20:15. In the first devotional Allen Diles, missionary to Prague, took us to 1 Chronicles 29:1 where King David is coming to the end of his reign. He has prepared for the building of the temple of the Lord, but he must turn the construction of the temple over to his son Solomon. David says in 1 Chronicles 29, "…the work is great, because the temple is not for man but for the Lord God." There was my answer as to how I would end this series. As I shared in the January 2004 issue, we are in a battle. But the battle belongs to the Lord. Our responsibility is to be obedient. Our responsibility as obedient parents is to teach our children obedience. Just as King Jehoshaphat sought the Lord through fasting and prayer and followed through with obedience, so must we as parents. And the task is great, because just as the temple Solomon was to build was not for men but for the Lord, so also are we to raise our children for the Lord. They are not for us, but for God. Focusing on the fact that we are raising our children for the Lord, in a battle that belongs to him, puts parenting in a whole different perspective. Many changes will occur as a result of this new positioning. If we genuinely buy into this approach that we are raising them for the Lord and not for ourselves, then our sinful selfishness is removed from the picture. Exactly what does change when we recognize we are parenting our children for God and not for ourselves? I am sure there are many positive consequences of such a position, but two stand out to me. One is that we will be better able to withstand our children's unhappiness for a time of teaching or discipline. We will then have the "peaceable fruit of righteousness," because we were able to withstand this discomfort. (Hebrews 12:11) As Bill Doherty points out in Take Back Your Kids, it is the insecure parent who is not able to tolerate the children's displeasure. But when we recognize we are God's tool, and he is empowering us, and it is his battle anyway, we are empowered to follow through in the teaching and training of our children. Secondly, we are again removed from the picture in a more direct manner, when we remember it is not for ourselves. So many parents have their own self-esteem wrapped up in their children. Their children must make them look good. But it is not for ourselves that we are doing this. It is for the Lord. Children will sense the covert burden of making their parents look good and this will have very detrimental effects. This is selfishness on the parent's part and is not missed by the child. Such an approach often produces anger and rebellion. The children will not experience from their parents a sincere desire to bow in Lordship faith to the heavenly and perfect Father. They will learn the destruction of pride. As I close, again I ask, Mom and Dad, show your children a sermon. As you strive to pattern your parenting after the perfect parent in Psalm 103 and at the same time to yield to him as your own heavenly and perfect parent, his spirit will produce in yourselves and your children "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22,23) And just as Jehoshaphat and Judah, we and our children will return to the heavenly "Jerusalem with joy, for the Lord had made them rejoice over their enemies." (2 Chronicles 20:27) *** * * * * PERCEPTIONS "What Makes You Angry"** by Norman Bales A friend of mine used to say, "I wouldn't give you two cents for a man who doesn't have a temper." Sometimes Christians incorrectly assume that all anger is sin. Actually the scriptures do not condemn anger, although the writers of scripture certainly recognized its sinful potential. You can read more of what Norman has to say about anger at http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep200406.html * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org

CONTENTS

Just Visiting