We've been looking across the same dinner table at each other for nearly forty-five years. If we were so inclined we could write a devastating article about our failure. We could express all our resentments, hurts, unfulfilled dreams and heartaches, but if we end up focusing on those things, we'll forget about the good stuff. This month we want to share some of the strengths we can identify in our marriage. We think they are worthwhile goals for any couple contemplating marriage, any married couple who wants a better marriage and for any married couple who wants to turn a marriage around that's headed in the wrong direction.Norman and Ann

Every so often we like to take a look at the strengths of our marriage. Like any other marriage ours could stand some improvement. Even in those characteristics we like to think of as our assets, we recognize the need to improve, but out necessity doesn't nullify our gains. Most of us would like to have more money in our bank accounts than we do right now; nevertheless we value what we have. So it is with marriage. We thought it might be helpful if we shared our own perceived strengths and we think it would be a good marital enrichment exercise for all married couples to do so. Here'res our list. · A common faith. We are Christians and our commitment to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has the highest priority in our lives. We met at a Christian youth rally way back in nineteen hundred and none of your business. It would be nice to tell you we've steadily progressed in the faith over the years, but in truth we've climbed some peaks and stumbled into some valleys. Our mutual devotion to the study of scripture was such a strong bond in our marriage that at one time it was the only thing we had going for us. Our commitment to God's Word eventually helped us delve into the troubled areas of our relationship, to confront our weaknesses and to build on our strengths. · Friendship. We like to sing together. Maybe our harmonizing wouldn't be pleasing to your ears, but it's a beautiful thing for us. One of the songs we like most is titled. "You're My Best Friend." It's really true. Our nest has been empty for many years, so we spend long periods of time with each other. Most married couples with children say they look forward to that time, but we can tell you that it's only a blessing if you become friends. We enjoy each other's company. · Mutual Caring. Some people don't always recognize what's happening when mutual caring takes place. Like anyone else, neither of us wants to face hard realities, especially if it involves our health. We make excuses for not taking medicine, for putting off seeing the doctor, for doing those things which we know will insure our good health and well being. Fortunately neither one of us can get away with those rationalizations very long. Neither of us is bashful when it comes to confrontation in these areas. The person being confronted usually doesn't like it, but at the same time that person knows there's a loving and caring heart behind those "in-your-face" statements. · Frequent Expressions of Appreciation. That's especially helpful when it comes on the heels of loving confrontation. All of us like to be noticed, praised, appreciated, and honored. We don't try flattery. We've lived together long enough to be able to see it coming when one person uses praise to gain an advantage. If either of us tries it, we instinctively know we are being conned, and we know apple-polishing isn't going to work. We might as well save our breath or at least buy something more expensive than apples. · A Willingness to Work on Subordinating Personal Wishes to the Desires of the Other Spouse. We haven't had many "Aha" moments in our marriage - those moments when a light bulb pops on and you say, "Aha, now I can see." In our real-world marriage, new insights develop gradually, but many years ago there was an "Aha" moment when we both began to realize we were selfish and that our mutual selfishness was tearing our marriage apart. It was at this point that we were driven back to our roots in scripture. In Philippians 2:3, Paul wrote, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." We needed a huge dose of repentance and when we both got serious about it, things got better. It'll work if you both try it. · Social Conversation. We like to talk with each other and we don't require the accompaniment of noise when we're driving somewhere. In fact one of the minor irritations we experience is the interruption of a ringing telephone. It is for that reason we don't always answer it. Carl Brecheen, who has conducted marriage seminars all over the country with his colleague Paul Faulkner, likes to say, "If you think you have to answer the phone every time it rings, you are at the mercy of every idiot in the world who owns one." We have so many subjects that interest us. We are curious about the world, concerned about the future of our culture and our families. We like to talk about it. Of course it helps immensely for us to share mutual faith commitment, political views and other conversational interests. · Shared Activities. Two years ago we took a vacation trip to New Mexico. Norman likes cowboy music and talked Ann into visiting two different towns where some of his favorite acts were performing. To help balance things out, Norman agreed a one-day side trip to Taos where we visited the Millicent Rogers Museum, which fit Ann's interests more than the cowboy shows. That was the only diversion. After looking over exhibits of Millicent Rogers designer dresses, we stopped at a Western store and bought a pair of boots. At the end of the trip Norman said to Ann, "I really appreciate your willingness to cater to my interests on this trip." Her response was, "I learned along time ago that your marriage gets better when you learn to like the things your husband likes." That works both ways for us. Norman even watches ice-skating and knows terms like "triple lutz" and a "double axel", although Ann claims he doesn't really understand the difference between the two. · Shared Household Duties. The line that separates "husband's work" from "wife's work" gets blurred at our house. We share many duties and we both know how to take over the other's person's primary role when one or the other is sick. Norman knows how to cook and Ann knows how to use a screwdriver. Other men seem threatened by Norman's willingness to work at household chores, but it works for us. We don't argue over who is supposed to do what. We just do what needs to be done and we avoid spending all that extra energy on fighting over roles. · Mutual Friendships. We like to be around the same people. Throughout our marriage we've enjoyed entertaining. When the kids were growing up, we had someone in our home for Sunday Dinner (which is served at noon in our family) and those shared meals with friends have served to bond us together. Sure it's a lot of work, but it pays big dividends. We had guests in our home so frequently that sometimes one of the kids would ask us on a Saturday, "Why do we have to clean up the house today? We're not having company again this week, are we?" They must have thought the dinner guest plan was a secret plot to motivate them to clean their rooms. · A Sense of Humor. Perhaps you were able to pick up on that just a bit in the previous paragraphs. While humor can be a weapon, it can also be a delightful way of affirming each other. Several years ago Norman decided he wanted to be more proactive in communicating affection. For a while he gave Ann sentimental books on gift giving occasions. Specifically he gave her a book of romantic poetry by Kahil Gibran. He also sent her some cards with a deep romantic flavor, cards that were very serious and designed to express deep emotions. One day she said, "I'm going to ask you to stop doing that. It isn't you." Norman asked, "Then what do you want me to do?" She said, "Send funny romantic cards because that is you." Of course she was right, but she'll never get another Kahil Gibran book of poetry again. (Ann: I don't need another one as a few years ago a dear friend gave me the whole set). We would like to offer a challenge to those couples that read our newsletter. Sit down and separately write down what you feel are the strengths in your marriage. Then spend some time talking about them. It will make a big difference in your relationship.

Opinions vary concerning the goals of therapy. To some people the goal of therapy is to remain neutral about divorce. Therapists like Michelle Weiner-Davis disagree. She claims there is no such thing as a neutral therapist. We're getting the impression that many therapists specialize in facilitating divorce. In our Perceptions feature, Joel Mark Solliday reflects on contemporary notions about therapy. You can read Joel's essay