If you're a married person, there's a good chance that you once promised to "love, honor, and cherish…for better or worse." Did you have any idea that a part of the "worse" might be your spouse's snoring? It sounds like a small thing doesn't it? Don't we all need to make some allowances for a spouse's shortcoming? Wouldn't you think that your spouse's admirable qualities far outweigh such trivial matters as snoring? Of course the answer has to be "yes." Yet snoring can be a significant marital issue. That's especially true when your relationship is shaky for other reasons. We've never addressed this kind of issue before, but maybe it's time. Norman and Ann

We love "Where've You Been?" a sensitive love ballad written and performed by Kathy Mattea. It's about a couple named Claire and Edwin, who are now confined to separate rooms in a hospital. I once heard her say that it's based on the story of her husband's grandparents' marriage. At one point Kathy sings,

They never spent a night apart,
For sixty years she heard him snore.

You've got to give Claire credit for tolerating Edwin's snoring all those years. To Claire, Edwin's snoring represented unconditional love, commitment, and security. However, it doesn't always work out that way.

On February 2, a UPI story reported on a study, which indicates snoring can be a major problem in marriage. Dr. Rosalind Carter of the Sleep Disorders Center at Rush University is quoted as saying, "Couples who struggle with sleep apnea have a high divorce rate. Can we save marriages by treating sleep apnea? It's a question we hope to answer."

We have some first hand knowledge about the relationship between snoring and marital happiness. We didn't put up with it for sixty years, but we were knocking on the door of 45 before we found a solution.

We have a comment and a question.

COMMENT: You don't need to do the double blind studies to find out if sleep apnea has an adverse effect on marriage. It does. Both of us have the problem. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning with warm and tender feelings toward your spouse if your partner has kept you awake all night with a loud noise that almost drowns out the sound of a passing freight train.

QUESTION: Why is Dr. Carter limiting her investigation to husbands who snore? Is there a male bias here? We can assure you that women do snore, and their noise is just as irritating as the sounds that come from a man.

We understand that anecdotal evidence doesn't prove anything, and we actually applaud the efforts to document findings. However, we think our own experience illustrates the nature of the problem.

Norman has snored most of his life. About five years ago, he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Once he got the sleep apnea under control, he began noticing that Ann snored. For more than forty years she had tolerated Norman's noise, and now she was getting even. This may sound humorous, but it's really quite serious. Let us tell you why.

There is the obvious problem of irritability. When two people don't get enough rest you are irritable the next day, but it doesn't stop there. Maybe you went to bed with some kind of unresolved conflict. Perhaps you dropped off to sleep thinking, "It's my fault. I need to change my attitude." If you wake up sleep deprived, you might not be quite so willing to be conciliatory as you otherwise would be.
1. Sleep apnea patients often stop breathing for long periods of time. Some don't pick up their breathing again as soon as they should. It can result in brain damage and even death. Ann can recall many nights when she wondered if Norman would ever take another breath. Fears are magnified in the dark, so she would begin entertaining the thought that she might become a widow prematurely. Such fears are realistic. We know people who have suffered brain damage from oxygen deprivation caused by sleep apnea. On May 20, 2004, ABC News reported that 1400 Americans die every year as the result of sleep apnea. It is also thought to be a leading cause of heart failure. Studies are in progress to document that hypothesis

2. Sleep apnea patients don't get enough rest. It affects our level of energy, our alertness, and our concentration. It can also lead to other serious consequences. In our city, a man left a clinic following a sleep study, went to sleep, and crashed into a train. Ann's sleep apnea was diagnosed only after she fell asleep in the bathroom and banged her head against the bathtub. We place others and ourselves at risk when we refuse to recognize it.

3. The person who doesn't snore may well feel that he or she is an unfair victim. Even though the promise was "for better or worse," a spouse can begin thinking, "I really don't deserve this.

We felt blessed when we learned about the CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, which is the preferred treatment for sleep apnea. When Norman had a sleep study, the test indicated he woke up more than a hundred times during the night. You don't get much rest when you wake up that many times, regardless of how briefly you remain awake. He went back for another monitored study with a CPAP machine. He woke up three times.

We feel like our marriage has definitely improved since acquiring the machines. You can't attribute everything to the machines. Of course we improved our communication skills, found more constructive ways of handling conflict, and became more conscious of affirming each other. Nevertheless, the machines played a role in our ability to make these improvements. We have more energy. We sleep better, and we don't keep each other awake. We don't wake up angry at each other? We don't ask, "Why didn't you go get in the other bed?"

The machines themselves make a minimal amount of noise. There are some drawbacks, and they aren't for everyone. A friend reports the inability to overcome a gag reflex. The masks themselves take some getting used to. You both look like aliens from outer space when you're wearing the masks, and of course there's always the problem of what to do when the electricity goes off. So far we find ourselves waking up quickly when the electricity goes off. We simply remove the masks and go back to sleep, although we'll be snoring this time. It's hard to adjust the straps. If you strap them on too tightly, you'll leave a crease on your face. If you strap them too loosely, air blows in your eyes, and there's no way you can sleep with that going on. Technicians are constantly working to make the masks more comfortable to wear.

No, we don't have a Biblical text mandating CPAP machines for snorers, but it may well be good stewardship. We consider it a good health investment, a good relationship investment, and a boost to our energy.

So, what's our novel idea for a Valentine's Day Present? Maybe a CPAP machine doesn't sound all that romantic, but then again it may produce some side benefits you hadn't considered. You're not likely to tell your spouse that you want to give him/her a sleep study appointment for Valentine's Day, or an anniversary, or a birthday. Maybe the best investment you can give your spouse is to make an appointment yourself. Now go see if you can find the yellow pages.