CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE
  BOOK REVIEW: "Connecting With Your Kids"
  by Ann Bales

  Just Visiting

  The host on the interview show was new at the job. Her questions seemed so superficial to me that I could understand why the philosopher treated her in a condescending way. At one point she asked, "What is the most puzzling problem in philosophy." I was thinking, "That's a dumb question. It's a little bit like asking Roger Clemens, 'How do you throw the ball so effectively.'" However, the question caught the thinker off guard. He came down out of his ivory tower and thought for a minute before he answered. Finally, he said, "Children. Nobody knows how to raise children." I'm sure many of us would nod our heads in agreement. Even so, there's no end to the number of authors who think they know. "How to Parent Books" are a dime a dozen. Once in a while a book shows up on the shelves that rises above the rest. Connecting with Your Kids is one of the exceptions to the rule. I want to invite you to read Ann's review and then decide for yourself if it rises to the level of "exceptional." We think it does.

  Norman

  * * * * *
  BOOK REVIEW

  Smith, Timothy. . Minneapolis: Bethany House, 2005. pb. 221 pages. $12.99.

  Books on varied subjects often cross my desk. Many of them relate to parenting. I was dubious about this one because Smith's book is a "How-to" book. You can go to any bookstore, secular or religious, and find shelves full of books dealing with the same subject.

  After reading this book, I have to admit that this one has a different twist to the subject. As I was reading through it, I began to realize that I really liked the concepts Smith discusses. I highly recommend the book for parents with children of all ages. There are many reasons why I recommend it but I will only mention a few of them.

  The first thing that caught my attention was this statement: "This book is about discovering the right pace for your family. It's likely to mean slowing the pace, catching your breath, and listening to the rhythm of your pulse."

  WOW!! When was the last time someone suggested that you could slow down and "stop and smell the roses?" So many of the books on parenting that I read try to help you get organized with all of your family's activities. Smith says that his book is "… more than a warning to slow down. It's a stethoscope to listen to each family member's pulse and develop a collective cadence that benefits every family member"

  Connecting With Your Kids is divided into four parts. The first part is called "Breathless Pounding" and covers the first three chapters. In chapter one he looks at what he calls "Restless Families." The chapter starts out with some things you can think about to see if you are a fast family.

  • · You have tried to enter your password on the microwave.

  • "Cleaning up the dining room" means getting the fast-food bags out of the SUV.

  There are others but this will give you a start to thinking if your family qualifies for this category. Do they "hit below the belt"? If so, this is the book for you.

  Would you like to discover that you can be relaxed and be a parent? Then this is the book for you.

  Some thoughts that Tim includes in this chapter are:
  -Solid family bonds are the most important factor in a child's life.
  -You may be the most enriching aspect of your child's life.
  -Busyness does not make a more capable child.
  -Sometimes doing more for our children may mean doing less.

  Chapter two is titled "Why Do We Rush? Stop and ask yourself this question. "Why do we always rush?" Smith shares many of the excuses we make to justify our rushing. The following statements are just two of many research findings.

  • "Study after study finds that kids who eat dinner with their families regularly are better students, healthier people and less likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs than those who don't."

  • A University of Michigan study of children age three through twelve found that more meal time with the family was the single strongest predictor of better achievement scores and fewer behavioral problems.

  "On The Run" is the title of chapter three. Why do we run? Smith says the biggest reason we rush is "…because we are running from something." Are we running to win something? "Running to win means running with purpose and self-control." Would your family be considered as having 'self-control? Does your family have a purpose for everything that you do? Just a few more things Tim wants you to think about but he also makes suggestions that will help you gain purpose and self-control in your family.

  PART TWO: Check Your Pulse.

  This topic is covered in two chapters. Chapter four is titled "The Heart of the Matter". The emphasis of this chapter is taken from the scriptures, and he lays the foundation for his thoughts with Ephesians 6:4 (from the Message). Tim says this book is about "parenting in a way that leads our children and doesn't exasperate them." When we parent like this we will not treat them in any way that will cause them to lose heart.

  In chapter five we learn why we need to and how we can "Turn Our Hearts Toward Each Other." The best pace for connecting with our kids will be different for each child and the cadence for connecting with each child will be slower than what we usually offer. According to the author, our families are in desperate need of renewal and rest. The thoughts within these pages will show you where you are in the "rat race" of life and direct you toward a cadence that will work for your family.

  PART THREE: Discover Your Heartprint.

  Chapter six is fascinating. It describes what Smith calls "heartprints". There are four of them and each one is briefly described in the chapter. I found this to be an eye-opening concept, and it caused me to stop and review the personality of each of our four children. It also made me wish that I had known about this concept when I was raising them many years ago. Come to think of it, I'm sure none of this information was even thought of when we raised our kids.

  Tim takes the next four chapters to address each of the "heartprints" that were introduced in chapter six in detail. Chapter seven talks about "Parenting a Cruiser". "Parenting a Walker is chapter eight. Next, in chapter nine is "Parenting a Runner." Last, but not least, is chapter ten that talks about "Parenting a Biathelete." You'll have to read the book to see which heartprint you, your spouse and your children possess. I found it enlightening and I hope that you will, too.

  PART FOUR: Making Your Hearprint Work for Your Family.

  This is the most challenging aspect of Smith's book. In fact, I spent a lot of time reading and re-reading, underlining and make notes in the margin of the last five chapters. Chapter eleven deals with "Making Time." What do you mean by making time? I don't have enough time now. Are you striving to succeed in your career, your job? Well, Tim outlines what it takes to succeed in your career and what is needed to succeed at home. You mean there is a difference? Oh, yeah! None of these suggestions are easy. "Balancing the demands of work and the requirements of family isn't easy---it requires discipline, patience, planning and diplomacy." But usually things that we value and are important to us are never easy to attain. But God didn't say life would be easy. He did say it was worth it.

  Have you ever heard a modern day version of one of Jesus' parables? In chapter twelve, to emphasize what is more important in our lives, Tim relates a modern day version of the biblical story of Mary and Martha. What is more important? doing? or sitting? Sitting involves sacrificing our busy schedules and abandoning our lists. The main thing we learn from sitting is that it is not all about us but it is all about Him. Be thankful that "God has placed within your family the people you need to grow and learn from . . .including the most challenging member."

  Chapter thirteen asks are we raising worldly kids or "Kingdom Kids?" According to the author, "it is our job as Christian parents to challenge the culture and raise our children with a different perspective---one that reflects principles of God's kingdom." What kind of kids are you raising? Remember, "what's easier is not what we are called to do."

  Can your remember the last time you felt completely relaxed and rested? "The Refreshing Family" is the topic of chapter fourteen. Have you ever made the statement, "I could be, if only I had more time?" Smith quotes Tim Stafford who said, "We don't need more time; we need a way to stop and rest." Just remember, it is not about me. It's all about God." In this chapter, Tim describes three kinds of families. They are "child-centered, parent-centered and Christ-centered." Which category do you fit into?

  The author goes to the scriptures again for his introduction to chapter fifteen, "Family Heartprint." Mark 10:13-16 tells story of the children who came to see Jesus, and the disciples tried to send them away. Jesus admonishes the disciples by telling them "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these, the kids." Jesus was literally saying that we need to allow kids to be kids and by watching them we can learn how to become more like God's kids.

  Each member of a family has a "heartprint" and by allowing all the members, especially the children, to express themselves with a pace of life that works for them shows them that you are affirming and embracing their "heartprints." The rest of the chapter talks about focusing on the heartprint of each family member and working together to find the "heartprint of the family."

  Another aspect of the book that I appreciated is, at the end of each chapter, the addition of a group of questions for discussion between parents and a group of questions to be used for a discussion between parents and children. This allows the book to be used in a group setting and then the material can be adapted to use at home with the family.

  Reviewed by Ann Bales

  * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

  Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org