All About Families, December 6, 2006> </head> <body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="CC0033" alink="#FF3366" vlink="#990000" text="#000000"> <table cellspacing="10" border="0" width="100%"> <tr> <td align="center" colspan="2"> <img src="current_title.gif" height="87" width="473" alt="All About Families"> </td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="125"> <a href="./"><img src="home.gif" vspace="3" alt="Home Page" border="0"></a> <a href="previous.html"><img src="previous.gif" vspace="3" alt="Previous Issues" border="0"></a> <a href="subscribe.html"><img src="subscribe.gif" vspace="3" alt="Subscribe" border="0"></a> <a href="message.html"><img src="mb.gif" vspace="3" alt="Message Board" border="0"></a> </td> <td> <center>  Volume 11 Number 12 <img src="current.gif" width=125 height=35 border=0>   December 6, 2006  Norman Bales, Editor </center>  <h3>CONTENTS</h3> <ul> <li><a href=#visit> JUST VISITING</a> <li><A href=#feature>FEATURE ARTICLE: GROWN CHILDREN: WHAT'S A MOTHER TO DO? by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC </a> <A name="visit"</a> <center><h4>Just Visiting</h4></center> Mikal's article intrigues me. I've heard it said that there's a fine line that separates an impossible burden from a respectable challenge. Here's the problem with this relationship triangle thing that Mikal talks about. It's hard to figure out which role you've chosen for the dance. I think I've probably chosen all three at one time or another. Unfortunately I didn't always know I was opening a can of worms. I really like the part where she says, "Mom, or Dad, or Christian, you bow out. You refuse to participate." But that's tricky Refusing to participate is not the same thing as choosing passivity. Mikal offers some practical solutions for sorting the whole thing out. If you're a parent of adult children and/or a grand parent, you'll want to save this article, think it over, review it several times, and then look for practical ways to implement them in your own relationships. Norman <center>* * * * * </center> <center>GROWN CHILDREN: WHAT'S A MOTHER TO DO?</center> by by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC God has blessed me with three precious children. They are all grown now, each one married with their own budding families. Each one is so very different, yet they were each raised in the same home. Even in their differences, I see big parts of Jim and me and our influence, some positive and some quite negative. We have five grandchildren who have stolen our hearts, and we like to get all three of our children, their spouses, and their children together. So instead of the three personalities we brought into this world, we now have eight adult personas (counting Jim and me) and our five most talented but individual grands. So guess what happens? There is sometimes a difference of opinions or the stepping on one another's toes. And sometimes feelings are hurt, and thoughtless behaviors occur. Sometimes I am a witness and sometimes I am not. But the focus of this article is when I am consulted or there is an attempt to bring me into the interaction, or perhaps my own desire to "fix it." The nudge for me to become a part of the problem is quite strong. But I must choose my behavior or response with the backdrop of something called the Karpman Drama Triangle. In this model there is a persecutor, rescuer and a victim. A frequent pattern is for a victim to complain to another who then becomes a rescuer to attack the "identified" persecutor, and then the original "persecutor" can become a "victim" and we have a very destructive "dance" or pattern or "game" in progress, with the roles changing and moving all over the map, or the triangle should I say. The roles are traded around and none of them comes from a healthy place. There is a very unhealthy feeling of power that can be gained from any of these roles. So what is a mother or any party to do when confronted with one of these hurtful and destructive situations? Mom, or Dad, or Christian, you bow out. You refuse to participate. When one comes to you and complains, you kindly say, "I love you both, and you must discuss this yourself with ___________." I might continue, "It is very appropriate for you to talk to ___________about your feelings." So far, this has prevented any escalation of differences in our family. But should the need arise, there are certainly outside mediators who could be helpful. There are numerous guidelines called Fair Fight Rules and Fair Fighting that can help navigate such troubled waters. Yes, Matthew 18 does call on us to become involved in conflict. But there is one very great difference. If we are called on to go with another to address sin in a person's life, we must go with humility, remembering we also are sinners and are daily tempted to sin. Our purpose is to go with love and reconciliation in our hearts, not an unhealthy need for power. Mom and Dad, look back on family times when there has been an escalating conflict. You will be able to identify the rescuer, victim and persecutor roles. This triangle can take on a life of its own and it will not be toward a loving resolution. Some guidelines for such conflict: Fair Fight Rules/Fair Fighting: <ul>Only give messages of value to any person as the hurtful behavior is discussed. (Unconditional Positive Regard) - AGAPE If a mediator is deemed to be helpful, find someone both parties can agree on. There will always be conflict and sometimes we must agree to disagree and continue loving. We can say anything we need to say calmly and kindly, but that's material for another article.</ul> <center>* * * * * </center> If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is <a href="mailto:mikal@allaboutfamilies.org">mikal@allaboutfamilies.org</a> Norman's e-mail address: <a href="mailto:nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org">nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org</a> Tell your friends they can subscribe by sending a blank message to <a href="allaboutfamilies-subscribe@welovegod.org>subscribe@welovegod.org</a>. If you would like to be taken off this newsletter mailing list please send a blank message to <a href="allaboutfamilies-unsubscribe@welovegod.org"> unsubscribe@welovegod.org</a> Southern Hills Church of Christ 9080 Southwood Drive Shreveport, Louisiana 71118 (318) 686-2190 E-mail: Norman Bales: Norman's e-mail address: <a href="mailto:nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org">nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org</a> Ann Bales: <a href="mailto:ann@allaboutfamilies.org">ann@allaboutfamilies.org</a> Mikal Frazier: <a href="mailto:mikal@allaboutfamilies.org">mikal@allaboutfamilies.org</a> "Jim Bales"<a href="mailto:jbales@prcoc.org">jbales@prcoc.org</a> Web:<a href=mailto.allaboutfamilies.org/>allaboutfamilies.org</a> <a href=mailto:allaboutfamilies.org/sh>allaboutfamilies.org/sh</a>