CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE:
  ASSESSING THE STATE OF MARRIAGE
  by Norman and Ann Bales
  

  Just Visiting

  The National Marriage Project is a non-partisan, non-sectarian initiative that operates out of Rutgers University. The two co-directors are Dr. David Popenoe, a professor and former dean at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead author of The Divorce Culture (1996). Each year they have issued a paper on the state of marriage in the United States. Their assessment for 2007 is now available on line.

  marriage.rutgers.edu

  My surgery is scheduled for September 10. I'm not sure about the pace of recovery, so I can't tell you exactly when our next newsletter will be issued. We hope it will be soon. In the meantime we would appreciate your prayers.

  Norman

  * * * * *
  ASSESSING THE STATE OF MARRIAGE
  by Norman and Ann Bales

  How are we doing with marriage at this point in time? Not too well according to Dr. David Popenoe. He just issued an important study he calls "The Future of Marriage in America." You're probably not going to like what you read. Among other things, Dr. Popenoe reaches the following conclusions about the state of marriage in the United States.

  • Marriage is neither the only nor predominant living arrangement in our culture.

  • "Secular individualism" (translation: "Nobody's going to tell me how to live) determines the choice of living arrangements more than tradition, societal expectation, religion, and moral values.

  • Although we haven't moved away from marriage quite so rapidly as the Nordic nations, we are steadily moving in that direction.

  • While it's true that the divorce rate is gradually declining, the reasons for the decline appear to be
    1. marrying at a later age
    2. a higher level of education
    3. the rise of non-marital cohabitation and
    4. the decline in second and subsequent marriages. More divorced people choose cohabitation over remarriage.

  • In the United States, we have the largest percentage of children being raised by single mothers. In many European countries, out-of-wedlock marriages are more prevalent than they are here. However, in those countries, more co-habiting couples are raising their children together.

  • As religious values erode, people become more interested in "expressive" values (what is commonly called "being in love").

  • The study is not optimistic about a significant cultural change any time in the near future.

  So how do we respond? Do we give up? Do we rave and rant about how bad the world is? Do we pray for some kind of earthshaking catastrophe greater than anything we've ever seen in the hope that it will wake us up?

  We began All About Families ten years ago in part because we believed that it is possible to save, strengthen, and support the institution of marriage. We believe "it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness." We don't know who first said it. It has been attributed to Adlai Stevenson, Eleanor Roosevelt, and an Old Chinese Proverb. It doesn't matter who said it. It's true. Jesus said something quite similar. "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)."

  If the marriage concept is counter-cultural in today's milieu, then we'll accept our counter-cultural role. What can we do?

  • We need to practice what we preach. We must continue to work on our marriages to make sure they stay in a growth mode as long as we live. The testimony of a life speaks louder than the testimony of the lips.

  • Our churches must be pro-family. That involves a lot more than seminars, workshops, sermons, publications, classes, and even websites on marriage and family. We need to focus more on how the church supports families and less on how families support the church.

  • We need to challenge the culture in those arenas where ideals are discussed. Too much of our energy is spent on preaching to ourselves. It's not easy to confront the culture without sounding like you're some kind of street preacher who's out of touch with reality. Our voices need to be heard at every level of society from the workplace to legislative bodies. We take a dim view of turning churches into political pressure groups, but we take a strong view of encouraging Christians to introduce integrity to government. We're convinced that neither major political party has produced corruption free leaders, but we are not so cynical as to believe that Christians ought to retreat from the political arena. If we do that we surrender by default.

  • Finally we must take a hard look at ourselves. Too often we have preached to others about what they ought to be while we divorced at about the same rate as our non-Christian counterparts. We have often been discourteous and insensitive to other family members. Some of us have practiced infidelity toward our spouses while professing fidelity to God. That has to end. In short if we want our families to be better, we've got to repent.

  What does it take? Dr. Popenoe concludes "…it will probably require a cultural shift of some magnitude, one in which stable, predictable, long-term relationships with others come to be viewed as the best foundation for adult personalities, childrearing, and family life."

  * * * * *

  If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org Norman's e-mail address:
  nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
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  Southern Hills Church of Christ
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  E-mail:
  Norman Bales: Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
  Ann Bales: ann@allaboutfamilies.org
  Mikal Frazier: mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
  "Jim Bales"jbales@prcoc.org
  Web:allaboutfamilies.org
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