CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE:
  Marriage After Your Golden Anniversary (6)
  Retirement: Part One
  by Norman and Ann Bales
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  Just Visiting>

  I once heard a commercial on the radio that was obviously delivered by a "man of mature years." He was promoting a business he had started during retirement. He told his listeners, "I really don't have to work for a living, but I'm not allowed to be at the house during the day." For many people retirement means you're going to spend more time together than you've ever spent in your entire married life. That presents a significant challenge. Over the next three issues, we want to address that subject.

  Norman

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  Marriage After Your Golden Anniversary (6)
  

  Retirement

  
  

  Transition

  by Norman and Ann Bales

  Did you ever wonder how we got our word, "retire?" We looked up the etymology of the term. We got it from the French word, retirer, which means "to withdraw." The word itself sets you up for failure. Think of it this way. Wellington was engaged when British and the Prussians attacked the French at Waterloo, but after things turned out the way they did, Napoleon decided it would be the better part of valor to take up residence at Saint Helena. That's retirement.

  The transition from participating in the work force is not as traumatic as having your teeth pulled, but it might run a close second. Someone said, "…. I have retired, un retired, and retired again all in the past 10 years. I find the biggest trouble with having NOTHING to do is . . . you can't tell when you are done." For many people retirement precipitates a marriage crisis.

  When people retire, they often look forward to doing the things they never could do before. They're going to take up new hobbies, travel, volunteer, and remodel the house. They visualize daily rounds of golf, fishing promising trout streams and not being required to go home just when the fish start biting. Maybe they plan to enroll in an elderhostel course and expand their knowledge of the world. Of course many people do these things, but not all - not even everyone who wants to.

  A few things get in the way of that.

  • Health. Sometimes it seems your body starts falling apart about the time you retire. One couple complained they wouldn't have a social life were it not for frequent visits to the doctor's office. You may have dreamed of training to run in a marathon only to realize that it can be a challenge just get from your recliner to the dining table.

  • Money. Retired couples have to figure out how to get by on less money. Their medical costs are rising; inflation takes its toll. An unstable economy makes it difficult for those who claim to be on a "fixed income." In the current economic crises, many couples have seen their retirement funds evaporate. We talked with one fellow who could see this coming as he approached retirement. He said, "I have trouble my bills now. How am I going to get by on half the money?" Chi Chi Rodriguez said, "When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income."

  • Changing Dynamics.How are we going to deal with spending more time in the presence of each other? It's a wonderful thing to be able to spend more time with one other. When we first marry, we resent having to spend time away from one another, but by the time we retire we've accustomed to spending large blocks of time apart. We establish routines in separate spheres of our lives, and then we look forward to coming together again at the end of the day. One of the major topics of daily conversation is a debriefing of the day's activities over the dinner table. Then suddenly, we're with each other 24/7. What do you talk about at dinner? To further complicate the matter, we often move into smaller quarters, and it's impossible to escape to any place in the house that's out of shouting distance. Of course hearing loss may compensate for that a bit.

  • Apathy. With no clock to punch, no meetings to attend, no deadlines to meet, some people simply disconnect from responsibility. We met an older retail sales person, who said that he found a job after retirement because his wife insisted on it. She said, "I don't want you to be like your friends. They sleep until noon. They don't bathe, and they don't do anything interesting."

  Most of us never stop to think about these retirement issues until we get there. Howard and Charlotte Clinebell offered this recommendation to those who anticipate retirement in the future. "The couple facing retirement does well to attempt to work through these feelings about it before it occurs, and to make plan for how they can use the new time they will have available." (The Intimate Marriage p. 131).

  To Be Continued)
  * * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can " ASK THE COUNSELOR" Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalmft@bellsouth.net

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  Central Church of Christ
  1500 First Avenue NW
  Cedar Rapids, IA 52405
  (319) 362-1540

  E-mail:
  Norman Bales: Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
  Ann Bales: ann@allaboutfamilies.org
  Mikal Frazier: mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
  "Jim Bales"jbales@prcoc.org
  Web:allaboutfamilies.org
  allaboutfamilies.org/sh
  

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