CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE "Parents Need to Work on Timing"
• "Cross Cultural Marriages"
  by Steve Cate

Today, we begin our third year of sending out e-mail newsletters focused on family topics. Just this week, our subscription list passed the 2300 mark. To some degree we are victims of our own success. For the past six weeks, we have encountered technical problems in distributing the newsletter. We appreciate the generosity of Tom Dolan at Abilene Christian University, who has permitted us to send use Listserv to send out the newsletter. Unfortunately, our subscription list exceeded the capacity. Last week we had to call on Tom to send the newsletter out for us. I'm not exactly sure what kind of technical miracles Tom had to pull off, but it appears that we now have our distribution problems solved, for the time being.

We're working on an index for Volume 2, which we hope to send out to you within the next few days. You can access all our previous issues at our website.

Recently, I wrote to Steve Cate for assistance. Steve is a long time friend and former missionary to Indonesia. I asked Steve some questions about cross-cultural marriages. I was so impressed with his answer that I excerpted portions of his response in this issue (with his permission of course). I urge you to read it

Norman

by Norman Bales

For me baseball is a fun game to watch, but I never could get the hang of trying to play the game. Pitchers loved to see me come to bat. They knew they could serve three fast balls right across the middle of the plate, that I would swing at their pitches, connect with nothing but air and leave the batter's box staring at an umpire's upturned thumb. To some degree I managed to overcome the fear of a missile being hurled at me with enough velocity to render me toothless should the ball hit me in the mouth. Hitting instructors said, "keep your eye on the ball," and I learned to do that. Unfortunately, connecting with a baseball requires a sharply honed sense of timing and nobody can teach you that. I waved the bat three times without hearing the sound of wood connecting with horsehide, because my swing was about a half a second late. My baseball career never got off the ground because I couldn't master timing. Sometimes parents miss opportunities to build solid relationships with their children because they have a poor sense of timing.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot . . . . (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2). The Old Testament sage understood the value of timing. He urged prudent assessment of those special moments when the opportunity to achieve life's objectives were at their peak. He didn't address the subject of timing in family communication, but he could have.

When I look back on my years of involved parenting, I believe some of my failures can be traced to poor timing. Sometimes I passed along good advice, but I chose some poor times to do it. There's not much advantage in playing the "if-I-had-it-all-to-do-over" game, but hindsight sometimes offers valuable perceptions for others.

Here's what I learned about timing. Children often suggest an agenda for communication. If we recognize the agenda they offer us and capitalize on it, we can sometimes get across a lesson in a couple of minutes that we couldn't teach in months of preaching, lecturing, threatening and yelling.

Suppose your eight-year-old child comes home from after viewing an action movie. Presumably it will be one that was fit to see and passed your set of parental guidelines. Sometimes eight-year-olds want to spend some time debriefing the movie experience. A television review by Siskel and Ebert is shallow and limited compared to the report of your enthusiastic offspring. His account may last half an hour. More than likely he would provide verbal sound effects at no extra charge. It's quite possible that you don't consider his views enlightening, entertaining or pleasurable, but if you look at that moment against the backdrop of life, that moment may present you with an enormous opportunity? "An opportunity to do what?" you ask. "Get my eardrums busted?" No, it's an opportunity to build rapport. It's a time when you can communicate that you care about the things going on in your child's life. And if the timing is just right, you might even get to drop in a moral principle or a thought question. It's all a matter of timing.

Ted Williams was the last major league baseball player to bat above .400 for an entire season. Even if I had been privileged to have Ted as a hitting instructor, I don't believe he could have taught me timing. On the other hand parental timing can be learned by any intelligent parent with an open mind, keen powers of observation and a willingness to adjust schedules.

CROSS CULTURAL MARRIAGES

by Steve Cate

e-mail address: "Steve Cate" scate@lightside.com

Norman,

As you well know, marriages between differing cultures are rocky at best and very often do not survive. Holding the marriage together takes very, very mature people on both sides. Differences have to be overlooked. One just has to take the attitude that the marriage is more important than the annoyances.

Communication is a problem in any marriage. I would teach them active listening skills. "I" messages, "Win-Win" problem solving techniques, etc. Cultural problems can only be solved, in my opinion, by studying the other culture, learning to appreciate it, celebrating it, and not expecting the spouse to completely reject his/her culture or completely accept the new.

Problems will always arise when one of the two expects the other to change. They have to realize that they married the other just as they were. They "fell in love" with the other person just as they were. If they were "good enough" then, why aren't they "good enough" now? Are they realistic? Are they willing to take a long hard look at each other? Are they willing to love each other, celebrate their differences and accept each other just as they are now? Can they allow each other to remain just as they are and accept each other?

Personally, I hold the male responsible for making the marriage work. If he truly "loves" his wife as Christ loves the church, his wife will almost always be willing to follow his leadership. But it cannot be forced.

God bless,

Steve

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org