CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE STUDY: HEADSHIP IN THE HOME
  Part Three
  "Does Egalitarian Marriage Work and Is It Biblical?"
• PARENTING WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING IN AN AGE OF NO FEAR
  Part Five 5
  The Absolute Core of Parenting
  by Mikal Frazier

Today, we present the third installment in our series on headship. We are receiving quite a lot of feedback on the subject. Because much of it is quite thought provoking, we will publish some representative samples in a future edition. Our four installment series does not represent the last word on the subject. In fact our greatest contribution may be that of stimulating thought. If we don't have the right answers, maybe we will at least be capable of asking the right questions.

We welcome Mikal Frazier back to our pages. She continues write thoughtful material on parenting. Today her emphasis is on nurturing and relationship building.

Norman

HEADSHIP IN THE HOME
PART THREE

by Norman Bales

Egalitarian marriage is defined as a marriage without any authority structure. Such marriages are also known as "partnership marriages" and "peer marriages." Theoretically, everything operates on an equal plane in an egalitarian marriage. Tasks and responsibilities are equally shared. There is no "man's work" and no "woman's work." Co-parenting is the order of the day when it comes to child rearing and that means both parents are equally involved in the task of nurturing and disciplining children. Ideally a couple would not necessarily move to a new location if a high-earning husband is offered a better paying job and opportunities for advancement in a distant city. The decision to move or stay would be made by mutual consent. Intimacy is a major concern of egalitarians. Both couples work at it equally. Each partner is equally free to initiate behavior designed to result in sexual intercourse.

Advocates of egalitarian marriage set themselves at variance with their perception of a traditional marriage. Traditional marriage, from the egalitarian perspective means a marriage in which child rearing is basically the responsibility of wives. Husbands have the final word on all decisions including, where to live, household responsibilities, who will initiate sex, etc.

Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, wrote a book titled Peer Marriage: How Love Between Equals Really Works. Free Press published it in 1994. In a 1994 article published by the Family Networker, she reported on interviews she conducted with 57 couples and a follow up study with 10 additional couples. She seems to have encountered a great deal of difficulty finding couples who actually met her criteria for Peer Marriages - ". . . couples who had worked out no worse than a 60-40 split on child-rearing, housework and control of discretionary funds." It should be noted that she regards her own marriage as a peer relationship, which would call into question her complete objectivity. Nevertheless she was quite candid about some of the problems encountered.

Among those who met those criteria, she encountered several problems. Some of the recurring problems cropped up in the following areas.

1. Co-parenting. They encountered difficulty in working out a philosophy of parenting and deciding who does what. They also had to face the issue of how to avoid the temptation to let the high earner avoid contributing to the daily parenting needs of the family. There were often strong differences over the way children were to be reared and these differences were not easily resolved.

2. Decision-making. There was a tendency to allow the high earner to make final decisions for the family.

3. Careers. Upwardly mobile, high-achievers didn't seem to find egalitarian marriage all that attractive. She said, "There may be childrearing Peer Marriages out there, comprised of litigators, investment bankers and brain surgeons - but I didn't find them."

4. Control. Despite the fact that both parties were committed to equality, some women reported they had to consciously work at being less controlling than they deserved to be.

5. Intimacy. While couples in peer marriages thought they had a greater level of intimacy than those in traditional marriages, they also were somewhat dissatisfied with sexual relationships. Some described their relationship to their spouse like that of a relationship to a sibling, which detracted from sexual excitement.

6. Money. The power of money continues to define roles. Some women found themselves pressured by the thought of being required to be a serious economic provider.

7. Household tasks. Those who participated in partnership marriages seemed to enjoy freedom from having to be confined to traditional "men's and "women's chores. They seemed to have little problem if he wants to cook and she wants to mow the lawn. However, arguments over who is carrying the heaviest load can sometimes be a problem. There is still the problem of whether the respective roles of both spouses are appreciated.

In our previous articles, we have contended that the Bible clearly establishes the headship of the husband (Ephesians 5:23). We explored the meaning of the word "head" and concluded that it involves authority (but not autocratic authoritarianism. There is a difference). As I read the literature defending egalitarian marriages and also the candid evaluation of Dr. Schwartz, I see a glaring Achilles heel. What happens when egalitarian spouses reach an impasse? The only answer seems to be "Oh, we work it out." "We talk things through until we can come to an agreement."

Unless egalitarians are totally different in their psychological makeup from most of the people I know, some spouses are obstinate, unyielding, headstrong, inflexible and downright unchangeable. What happens when an "irresistible force" runs up against an "immovable object?" Lots of fireworks, obviously. But how do you resolve the issue? Do you take it to small claims court? Do you bring in a labor and management negotiator? Do you file for divorce? Or do you defer to a person of recognized authority?

The egalitarians aim their big guns at traditional marriage. But what is traditional marriage? "Me Tarzan, you Jane?" Ward and June Cleaver? Ozzie and Harriet? Archie Bunker and whatever his wife's name was? I won't undertake the defense of traditional marriage, but I will defend Christian marriage. Strangely enough, Christian marriage aims for some of the same objectives found among the egalitarians.

1. Egalitarians say "There's no reason that each partner can't specialize, but both are careful that one of them doesn't take over all the high prestige, undemanding jobs, while the other ends up with the classically stigmatized assignments." The Bible says, " . . . in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3)

2. Egalitarians say, husband and wife should be full partners in parenting responsibilities. The Bible says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). " . . . train the younger women to love their husbands and children. . . ." (Titus 2:4)

3. Egalitarians say both spouses should have "equal status or standing in the relationship." The Bible agrees "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28). The Bible never makes a distinction in "status" or "standing." It does define roles.

4. Egalitarians say that both spouses should have equal freedom to initiate sexual intimacy. The Bible says, "The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to 'stand up for your rights.' Marriage is a decision to serve one another, whether in bed or out." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (translation The Message by Eugene H. Peterson)

In her conclusion, Dr. Schwarz admitted that peer marriages still operate in "uncharted territory." While it's true that much non-Christian behavior has taken place in the name of Christianity over the years, the standards of the Word of God not only have divine approval, they have been proven practical and workable when seriously tried. Christian marriage has a long, successful track record. Egalitarian marriage has barely gotten out of the starting blocks.

"No human interaction has greater impact on our lives than our early family experience. If there is one factor that influences the character development and emotional

stability of a person, it is the quality of the relationship he experiences as a child with both of his parents." (Armand Nicholi as quoted in Paul Faulkner's Raising Faithful Kids.)

I have a framed quote from the movie I Never Sang For My Father hanging on the wall in my office. It reads like this: "Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor's mind toward some resolution, which it may never find."

The first quote emphasizes the importance of building a relationship with your child. The second quote describes the lengthy struggle inherent in a child's not having the benefit of a comfortable and secure relationship with both parents. Mom and Dad, the most crucial element in parenting is building a positive, affirming relationship with your child.

Jim and I attended a seminar over twenty-five years ago at Abilene Christian University (It was "College" then.) in which we heard professor and family counselor, Carl Brecheen, speak on parenting. I still remember an illustration he gave describing the effects of four different parenting styles. The first style he (the one which gave the best outcome in our children) was the one in which there was a good balance between nurture and discipline. The second style which gave the second best outcome was the one in which there was a significant amount of nurture, but very little discipline. The parenting style which provided the next to the poorest outcome was the group of parents who were high on discipline but did not nurture their children. Then the poorest outcome was produced by those parents who gave neither nurture nor discipline. Dr. Brecheen's illustration bears out the importance of nurture, the stuff that builds relationship.

If you are doing all the things you need to do to enforce limits and boundaries with your child, but it still is not working, Mom and Dad, go back to the relationship. It is likely there are deficits in your relationship with your child.

More than anything else, your children must know that you care about them and what is going on with them. God is the perfect example of a loving parent. He let us know how much he cared by sending us Jesus, John 3:16. Then in Hebrews 4:14 and 15 we are told, "14 Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. 15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin."

This scripture has always given me comfort because from it I know that Jesus cares and that he understands my experience. Wow, what rich parenting if we could give our children that message.

In my next article I will begin discussing some key elements in building a loving, supportive relationship with your child.

In the meantime, Gary Ezzo has a wonderful thought about parenting. He says one way you can know you are doing a good job is that other people enjoy your child.

(Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband, Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren, whom they will gladly tell you about if you ask. Actually you don't even have to ask.)

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org