CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE: MIXED MESSAGES
• FROM THE E-MAILBAG
  Reactions to the Series on Headship

Recent issues of the newsletter were devoted to the issue of headship. Many of our readers have responded with comments. Several of these comments are included in today's "From the E-Mailbag" section. Some have been edited for space. Not everyone is in total agreement with my conclusions. You are encouraged to read these responses in the light of my own thoughts (click on previous issues) Our readers raise questions we need to think about. Basically, I stand behind the content of the original articles.

June is the traditional month for weddings. I've seen wedding celebrations that were happy occasions and I've seen some social disasters. Usually disasters occur when conflict develops over whose going to be in charge of the event. Having officiated at numerous weddings, I have learned that it's sometimes easier to find one's way across a mine field than it is to keep all the participants happy at a wedding ceremony.

I'm amazed at how much thought is given to making sure the ceremony is just right and how little thought is given to planning for the marriage itself. Recently, Ann and I completed premarital counseling with two different couples. In both cases, we are not involved in the ceremony. In fact, we won't even be attending the actual wedding in either case. It has been a delightful experience because we didn't concern ourselves with the ceremony. That freed us up to help these couples explore the nature of their relationship. I'm absolutely convinced that every couple contemplating marriage will profit from the experience of reviewing their attitudes toward marriage with an objective third party.

Norman

by Norman Bales

On his way home from work, Al got caught at a traffic light right next to an itinerant flower vendor. Thinking that a bouquet of flowers might make some positive points with his wife Margaret, he thrust some bills into the hand of the peddler and drove home. When Al got inside the house, he said, "Here, I brought you these," and handed the flowers to Margaret. He said it in a flat, monotone. There was no card, no kiss, no hug, not even an "I love you." He couldn't wait to rush into the den to watch the evening news. Later, he couldn't figure out why Margaret responded so coolly.

Al may well have been moved by deep devotion to Margaret, but he gave her mixed messages. On the one hand, he offered her a token of his love. Good for Al. Some women never receive flowers from their mates. On the other hand, all his nonverbal communication suggested indifference, unconcern, lack of affection and preoccupation with other things. Margaret wasn't terribly excited about coming in second to CNN.

In a 1968 study, Abraham Mehrebian concluded that 93 per cent of our communication with others is nonverbal. Only 7 per cent is verbal. Dr. Robert Rigdon observed, "If someone calls you 'honey' in a ridiculing tone of voice, the nonverbal communication is what is believed. If someone agrees with you, but has what you perceive to be a 'smirk' on his face, you interpret the exchange as something less than sincere agreement. Nonverbal communication is inexact; yet it is vitally important in communicating." (Discovering Yourself p. 102)

The Bible recognizes the validity of nonverbal communication. In Proverbs 6:17, the author suggests that God hates "haughty eyes". On the other hand, "A gentle answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1). In his condemnation of the Pharisees, Jesus said, "Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long" (Matthew 23:5) Even the way they dressed communicated a message. On the other hand Jesus described people who would have "repented in sackcloth and ashes" (Matthew 11:21). We have many ways of communicating besides words.

How can we make non-verbal communication more effective?

1. Be alert to your tone of voice. There's a difference between a "gentle answer" and "harsh words" (See Jude 15)

2. Concentrate on the person you speak to. I know a lady who is skilled at listening. She always focuses on a person's right eye when she's listening.

3. Don't allow yourself to become distracted and preoccupied. Margaret might have responded much differently to Al's floral gift if he hadn't been so anxious to watch the news.

The late Carl Rogers said, "The whole task of psychotherapy is the task of dealing with a failure in communication." Those who make sure their nonverbal signals and verbal signals run on parallel tracks have a definite advantage in avoiding communication failure.

How the Ancient People Thought of "Head"

"How seriously have you considered what the ancients might have considered the human head to be? Back in those days, when they thought with their heart (& felt with their bowels) and had no concept of the function of the gray matter in their skull, they must have interpreted "head" very differently than we do. I know of no passage of scripture where the mind (nous or dianoia) is connected with the head. Being a mindless head might be a role which many men demonstrate in day to day life, but I do not believe that is what Paul was trying to encourage. The head was composed of the sensory organs (sight, hearing, smell, and taste), it was the most obvious and uncovered (at least in men) part of the whole body, and it was used to communicate through words sounds and looks. I believe that it has only been since the discovery of electricity and hence the ability to electrically stimulate portions of the brain that man has been able to conceive that the brain (head) thinks and through electro-chemical signals controls the body. Personally, when I sit down to read scripture, I find it very hard to remember to forget what "we (in the 20th Century Western World) all know to be true."

Congratulations

"A sister sent me your articles about Headship, "How can a Head be a Servant Leader, Who Submits... Why", and I loved them. They are very encouraging. I want to congratulate you and Praise our Lord for brothers like brother Norman and all of you involved. We need the continual encouragement!!! To remind us of who we are and what we have to do!!"

Wants Husband to Assume More Leadership:

"I have been enjoying your articles on headship. This is something I struggled with because I really didn't understand it. Now I wish my husband would be more of a leader in our family! There was a time I wouldn't have said this but I think all wives would be thrilled if their husbands understood the role that Jesus laid out for them."

Wife is the Neck

"I recently spent a joyous weekend with my husband and a friend of ours from seminary days. He put it beautifully: 'Yes, I am the head of my family....but my wife is the neck. Without the neck, the head can't turn left or right. With a broken neck, the head dies.'"

Final Installment

"Norman, I had to drop you a note and let you know how much I have enjoyed and wrestled with your recent series on headship. This has been a pet topic of study for me over the years. Your articles challenged my thinking and helped me to move to a new place. The final installment was the best one for me because it tied all the pieces together very clearly."

Respect for Scripture

"Thanks for your excellent piece on headship - spot on. I will read AAF with much more care now that I have so seen your underlying commitment to Scripture so amply demonstrated in spite of the flak you undoubtedly will receive over it. Knowing that commitment underlies all of the practical advice is reassuring.

Continue to stand firm for the Gospel and the authority of Scripture over our fleeting cultural values."

A Few Points of Contentions

"I admire what you're doing, but I have a few points of contention just from a counseling perspective.

1. In your conclusion, you wrote: "Christian marriage has a long, successful track record. Egalitarian marriage has barely gotten out of the starting blocks." I ask, why must the two be mutually exclusive? It represents a rather "isolationist" viewpoint rather than a viewpoint that is capable of complex, contextual thinking. (See Perry's theory of Cognitive Development)

2. I think that trying to "seal" a definition of "headship" and "egalitarian marriage" and "peer marriage" and all of that is, on one level, a good thing to do to provide a framework (if one is needed)...on the other hand, it's "moot." It's moot because all people are different and the minute you try to stringently define something, it creates a tension in persons to fit that mold and because all people are different and all couples bring differences into a relationship, that unique relationship can only be defined by them and God. I think this is an area where pastors need to be REALLY careful in terms of guiding married couples.....to not try to clone their own relationships (which can appear to be good but may not be), but to try and help couples establish who they are individually and how they work best together.

3. WIthout refuting what's in the word, we must remember that the Bible was written during a particular culture in a particular time where there were established "roles" for men and women. Those roles may still fit, however, as the Spirit alloweth and encourages growth for us a Christians, certainly the Spirit alloweth growth for roles and the nature of relationships. So, when we think of "headship" we need to be careful about establishing an absolute.

4. Traditional Marriages and Egalitarian Marriages the way you describe it, are mutually exclusive. This is not necessarily the case....in fact, many relationships operate on "alternating currents." In some areas, there may be a traditional framework, while in others, there may be a necessity for egalitarianism, particularly when it comes to care of the home and children. Also, in many families, women are making more money than the men (How about a conversation on that at some point? How are men responding to making less money than their wives?)

5. Your discussion on egalitarian impasses was moot. How does anyone respond when they reach an impasse? Explain to me why so many "TRADITIONAL/BIBLICAL" marriages are ended up in divorce courts after 30 and 40 and even 50 years of "wedded bliss?" I think you're missing the point.

6. Many of the assumptions that you argue and the analysis you make is based on white cultural standards. A historical and contemporary study of multicultural family units might reveal some startling differences and this is so deep, I won't even begin to try and open up any more of this.

7. Sex is a personal act between the husband, wife, and God. There's no real need for us to discuss how and who should initiate or when or how deep, etc because it's an individual things and the pastor is not part of that relationship. If there is dissatisfaction or dysfunction, couples should seek consultation from a trained counselor (clinical psychologist) - preferably a Chrisitan clinical counselor - to see if there are other deeper psychodynamic issues that are negatively influencing the sexual relationships. This is not an area where most pastors are trained and in fact, many pastors do the most dangerous types of counseling in this area and they are subjecting themselves to malpractice. Because many pastoral counselors are not subject to supervision by another, dangerous levels of transference and countertransference can occur. I believe this is why we see a number of clergy mishaps in the area of sexual misconduct with parishioners.

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org