CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE "Men Have One Track Minds"
• "HOME SCHOOLING EXPERIENCES" (Part One)
  by Holly Walker
• FROM THE E-MAIL BAG: RESPONSES TO: "CROSS CULTURAL MARRIAGES"

Variety is the name of the game for this week's issue. I've chosen to give you some inside information on the way the male brain works or doesn't work. Holly Walker begins a two part series of her article on home schooling. This week our local media reported on the increase in home schooling in our area. Home schooling is a trend that is here to stay. How are folks faring with this alternative form of education? Holly, who is a member of our spiritual family at Southern Hills, bares her soul on the subject.

We had an interesting response to last week's brief article on "Cross-Cultural Marriages." I'm publishing some of the correspondence because I think we have left an impression that we did not intend to leave. Steve Cate, author of the original article, does a remarkable job of recovering his own fumble with humor and grace.

Norman

by Norman Bales

Ann claims that I'm focused. That's really just a nice way of saying I've got a one-track mind. Her assessment is completely accurate and it really doesn't matter which label you choose. I'm not sure but I think it's probably a man thing. For some reason the Lord seems to have chosen to place awareness sensors in the female brain and deemed it unnecessary to install them in the male mind.

Anyway, I came home from work the other day with my brain in a focused mode. After a long day, I was focused on getting ready to retire for the evening. At that moment my need for rest took precedence over my need to engage in meaningful conversation, relationship building and helping Ann. Her day had been just as long as mine. Her body was just as tired, but she had promised to bake a loaf of applesauce bread for a luncheon the next day, so she denied her fatigue and fulfilled her commitment.

I chose to put some distance between her work environment and myself. I found a magazine and decided to read a little while before going to bed. I selected an article on family relationships. The author talked about a man who has been very successful in deepening the bond of family unity in his home. How did the guy do it? He changed his focus. Like me, he would come home from work thinking, "I'm so tired, I can't put one foot in front of the other," but instead of collapsing on the couch in front of the television set, this man focused on helping his wife prepare dinner. After that, he spent some time playing with his children. How did he do it? He simply chose not to focus on his fatigue.

Adam was probably the first man with a one-track mind. I'm sure he must have passed along the genes of "one trackedness" to all the rest of us. I won't go into the theological possibility that it might be the result of the fall. Anyway it's a male condition, disease or predisposition. Perhaps we don't actually possess the capacity to feel connected with a dozen different things at the same time. Our focused nature will probably continue to frustrate our wives, but we can choose the object of our focus. I chose to focus on my need to rest, when I had an opportunity to focus on enhancing my relationship with my wife. My basic problem was not my inability to see Ann's need. I was dealing with my own self-centeredness. I needed to be reminded of Paul's comment concerning the attitude of Christ. He said, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).

I wish I could tell you the magazine article inspired me to change my focus, deny my fatigue, go back to the kitchen and spend time in meaningful conversation with Ann. Instead, I put the magazine down and went to bed. Obviously our relationship could still stand some fine-tuning.

"HOME SCHOOLING EXPERIENCES"
(Part One)

HollysHoly@aol.com

Today was the day to clean off the refrigerator. The wonderful children's drawings, photos, notes and phone numbers had been building up for a very long time. No use putting it off any longer, today was the day. Not so eagerly, I start removing magnets and liquid splashed debris. After a time, I came across a note that had been there for years. No, this wasn't the first time I had cleaned off the fridge. I do this quite often - it was just that this was one of those things I felt someday I must use. My chances were better for using it if it were in front of my face when I opened the door to find food for meals. However, I had not used it in a very long time. It had been there so long it became a part of the scenery and I really must confess, I no longer noticed its existence. By now, you must be wondering what it could be. Well, it was a coupon, but not just any coupon. This particular coupon had been given and filled out by my son many years ago. I guess he was six or so at the time. The coupon read: "Time alone with me." Love, Mom. It was one of those fill-in-the-blanks. "Time alone with me" was what he wanted more than anything, and so he had told me so eloquently. Now don't think of me as an awful mom; this was a recycled coupon. He had used it once, but then turned it back in and never received the time due him. When the coupon was written, we were foster parents of a group home for teenage girls, and "time alone with Mom" was not an easy commodity. It had been eight months since the last young lady left, and my only son's coupon was sitting on the side of the fridge - never answered. My heart was breaking, but then I saw just where I had been and where God had led me. See, even though the coupon had not been acknowledged, it was no longer needed. My son, Kyle, is homeschooled. Time alone with me is no longer a commodity, it is a way of life. For the last six months, each day is filled with quality time with my child - the blessing the Lord has bestowed upon me. I am SO thankful to be the number two influence in his daily walk with the Lord. What a blessing indeed!!! ("Impress the love of the Lord upon the hearts of your children." Deut. 6:5-6).

The morning routine was mind boggling. Many of you know what I mean. The alarm goes off while it is still dark outside. The coffee comes on; no one talks to each other for fear of what the words may sound like. Intentions are good, and you try to do a Bible study, but you hit the "snooze" button so many times that your time alone with God has passed, never to return for the day. Your child(ren) is grumpy because he kept asking for water the night before, or it was church night, and once again, was late to bed. Now EVERYONE is paying for it. He doesn't know what to wear, can't decide what to eat, "forgot" to brush his teeth, and "doesn't have time" to make up the bed or pick up his room. So between hateful words and a quick unsettled breakfast...alone...(Mom and Dad are rushing to get ready for work) your child gets ready to leave for the school bus - which he misses. Now you are even more rushed. So more angry words, sometimes tears, and pushing Jr. out the door, which you just locked. He forgot his coat…and is in short sleeves in the middle of winter. Excuse is…"Mom, it didn't FEEL cold!" He is sitting in the car in the garage. OF COURSE, IT DOESN'T FEEL COLD!!! You are about to lose your religion, when you re-open the door and send him in after a coat…or you might choose to let him "suffer." (And pay the doctor bills later.) In any instance, you are FINALLY off to school. A quick prayer in the car on the way is your brief time together with God, and of course, your child reminds you not to close your eyes for you are the one driving. Then it is the fight for the radio station…in our case, secular or Christian -ALL the kids at school listen to secular - so here we go - preaching on how we are supposed to be "in the world" but not "of the world." Junior is now extremely sulled up and gets out of the car with a SLAM and not even a good bye. As you drive off, you ask God for guidance and help to deal with raising this "blessing" that you don't feel so blessed by at the moment. As you arrive at work, or wherever you must go, and finally look at the clock, it has only been an hour and a half since you woke up and you feel like you're ready to go back to bed! Conscience kicks in and you start beating yourself up and asking yourself what you are doing wrong. This child is growing up fast, and YOU are out of control, and your whole family is miserable. There isn't much time to think before it is time to get the child from school. The afternoon routine isn't much better. They only want to watch TV or play with friends because they have "been away at school all day." When you ask how school was, you get short answers like "fine" of O.K., can I go now?" Then they walk out of your presence, throwing their work down on the counter. Then, there is Homework. Need I say more? The rest of your quality time together is spent helping with the dreaded homework assignments. I don't know about you, but I never can understand exactly what the teacher is asking for, and I am often reminded that WHATEVER I say is NOT how the teacher said to do it. The day ends and a new one begins -just like every day before - except Saturday and Sunday. Those are family days, right? I don't know about you, but Saturday at our house is RECOVERY day, and Sunday is ALL DAY CHURCH ACTIVITIES. Time is flying, and you are losing each other. What can be done?

"Train a child in the way he shall go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). Is this the way I want my child to behave when he is "OLD?" Is this the life I want my child to grow up and imitate? Well, it was my life when I was growing up, and I am just fine -RIGHT??? I got up and went to public and private schools every day of my life. Do I want my child to grow up just like me? NO!!! I don't know about you, but as a born-again Christian, I don't want my child to have to go through the same fast-paced life I did. I grew up too fast, along with all my peers. I was exposed to things I'd rather my child not experience, at least not while he is a child. Don't get me wrong, I want my child to be the salt of the world, but not until he is seasoned and able to BE salt. I want to season him in the WORD daily, instead of him being seasoned by the world. Let me rephrase that:. I am CHARGED by the Lord to bring my child up in the Word daily, and I will have to face HIM and give an account of how I raised my son. I know that the way we were going before is not something I would be proud to stand in front of the Lord and be accountable for. But still, I enjoyed my time alone and wasn't willing to give that up. I honestly couldn't imagine having my child home all day with the attitude he had much of the time. I felt that surely I would commit some horrible act of child abuse if I were FORCED to spend 24 hours a day with my child. How could I? A few hours of the day were so disastrous! I was forgetting that when God calls us to a service, he equips us with ALL that we need to perform the service to which we are called.

Tim & Carolina Archer tarcher@satlink.com

"First, let me introduce myself. My name is Tim Archer. I am a missionary to Cordoba, Argentina, supported by the Johnson Street Church of Christ in San Angelo, Texas. I am a graduate of Abilene Christian University with an MS degree in Biblical and Related Studies and an MA in Intercultural Communication. I have been married to Carolina Tolosa, a native Argentine, since 1988 and have lived in Argentina for 10 of the last 12 years.

We recently returned from furlough and resubscribed to All About Families just today. I read with interest Steve Cates comments on cross-cultural marriages. I found his insights to be generally accurately and helpful. However, there was one statement that jumped out at me and disturbed me a bit. You quoted Steve as saying, "As you well know, marriages between differing cultures are rocky at best..." What a sad statement! And how untrue. While I admit that many would say that "marriage is rocky at best," I doubt that either of you would really want to make such a statement. It's difficult. It's hard work. But it is so much better than "rocky."

I only have 9 years of personal experience, but I can assure you that my marriage is not rocky. Neither are the vast majority of cross-cultural marriages that I have seen, though my perspective may be skewed a bit because the majority of those are missionary families. Any young couple that is beginning or contemplating beginning a cross-cultural marriage deserves to know that their relationship can be good, can be great, can be successful. Please don't leave them with the idea that all they can expect is a rocky road.

I doubt that you really intended to communicate such an idea, and I really hope that you will clarify your meaning in a future issue. The article was well-written; I think there was just an unfortunate choice of words in that one sentence. I agree that one must enter into a cross-cultural marriage thoughtfully, seriously, and prayerfully. It is not to be taken lightly. I sought counsel from many before continuing in my courtship with Carolina. But I thank God that he brought this godly woman into my life. She is a great blessing in my life. And I thank God that our relationship isn't rocky at all.

Thank you for your fine ministry and wonderful publication. Keep up the good work."

In Him,

Tim Archer

Steve Cate contributed the following response

"I told him he was "absolutely right" and that I should have used the expression "sometimes rocky" or something similar. My mind doesn't always see the big picture when I'm writing. Good thing I'm keeping my day job."

Steve

scate@lightside.com If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org