CONTENTS

• JUST VISITING
• FEATURE ARTICLE:"What it Takes to Repair Damaged Marriages"
• PARENTING WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING IN AN AGE OF NO FEAR
  (Part 8)
  ARE YOU AN EMPOWERING PARENT?
  IS IT "ARE YOU HURT?" OR "KABOOM!"
  by Mikal Frazier MA, MMFT, LMFT, LPC
  

It seems like a good portion of my income goes for repair bills. Recently we put our ancient (200,000 miles plus) car in the shop for major repairs. Although it has been extremely dry in Northern Louisiana, we did have an electrical storm one morning about three weeks ago, which was enough to damage our television reception. The roof that covers our backyard patio needs repair and to top it off the driveshaft broke on my lawnmower last week. In every instance, we will either repair the damage or replace the damaged parts.

I keep wondering why people will adjust their lifestyles and budgets to repair their things and will invest very little in repairing their relationships. Surely a marriage is worth more than television reception, a lawn mower, a patio roof or an automobile that has seen better days. Often the cost of repairing relationships is measured more in terms of the willing surrender of human ego than it is in monetary value. Maybe that's why we often don't want to pay the price. Pride gets in the way. Be that as it may, this week, I want to share some thoughts with you on the cost of repairing damaged marriages.

Mikal weighs in with yet another segment of her ongoing parenting series. Word means different things to different people. Some readers objected to Mikal's use of the term "enable" in her last article. In today's article she clarifies terminology. From her perspective "enable" represents negative behavior, but the term "empower" is best used to describe positive behavior. Her thoughts are worth your serious consideration.

Norman

by Norman Bales

At some point in your marriage, you may seek to repair damage to the fabric that holds your relationship together. If that happens you won't be alone. This year more than a million couples will decide their union is beyond repair and file for divorce. Many others will hang on a little longer even though their relationship is badly damaged. Some hang on for the sake of the children. Some would rather endure a poor relationship than deal with loneliness. Others will honor their commitments, but they long for improvement in the expressive side of their relationships, which involves listening, affirmation and emotional closeness.

My wife and I once had a marriage that badly needed repair. We decided to stay married and never changed our minds. As we struggled, we discovered rips in the fabric we had not previously noticed. Because of our decision, we were willing to accept the loss of a battle here and there, but we were determined to win the war.

We couldn't win the war without damage assessments and cost estimates. Repairing a damaged marriage is costly both in terms of time and money, but those costs were actually minimal compared to the exorbitant cost of sacrificing self-will. In reality dying to self lies at the heart of all successful human relationships. Jesus said, "If any man would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). Paul addressed the topic in imperative terms: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4). The fabric that holds a marriage together is torn in many different ways - infidelity, neglect, miscommunication, unwillingness to listen, abuse, unfulfilled expectations, lack of appreciation, lack of quality time spent together, failure to share work responsibilities, in law troubles, financial problems. These are the battles we fight, but the war is over control. We become control freaks when we are wrapped up in ourselves.

In the midst of our personal trials, I heard a sermon that impacted my life from that moment forward. The speaker was not a trained orator, but his topic and his text spoke to my need. His topic was "Dying to Self" and his text was 1 Corinthians 15:31, where Paul said, "I die every day." I decided that was what I was not doing. I was not dying to myself on a daily basis. I won't say that I've never let self live since that time, but at least I became aware that self was controlling me and it was killing my marriage. The costliest, most painful lesson I've ever had to learn is dying to self. It's a lesson I'm still in the process of learning, but I've learned enough of it to know that it pays tremendous rewards.

by Mikal Frazier MA, MMFT, LMFT, LPC

"In the eyes and attitudes of the parents and teachers who raise and educate them, children find mirrors through which they define themselves." from Raising Self-Reliant Children In a Self-Indulgent World by Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson.

The buck stops with us, Mom and Dad. It is we who teach our children they are capable or they are not capable. When we teach our children they are capable we are empowering them with the skills they need to be responsible and make responsible choices.

Empowering is the opposite of the enabling I discussed in my last article. The term "enabling," as used in counseling circles, comes to us from the substance abuse treatment world. This term surfaced as counselors in that field began to realize that loved ones in relationship with the substance abuser were just as dependent as the abuser on the continued dysfunction. These people developed enabling behaviors which seemed to come from good intentions, but in their rescuing and protecting, they were really enabling the user to continue using because they protected him/her from the consequences of his/her behavior. Through enabling behavior, a loved one can make him-or-herself very necessary to the "enabled" one. Thus, enabling is born out of a "need to be needed." These same behaviors are often referred to as co-dependence.

A tremendous tragedy of this whole process is that this is how many parents relate to their children. Many parents work themselves into a position where they are fulfilling an unhealthy "need to be needed" through their children. They are raising dependent children who will not have the life skills to act and feel competent and capable.

Foster Cline and Jim Fay in Parenting With Love and Logic illustrate the two styles of parenting with the following example:

"I (Foster) have watched young mothers handling their toddlers a they wobble onto the ice on their first skates. These moms can be classified in two groups: the "Kaboomers!" and the "Are you hurts?" "Once the toddlers make their inevitable crash on the ice, one group of young moms, worried to death at the side of the rink, yells, "Are you hurt?" And the toddlers, scrunching up their faces and sliding back toward Mom, say, in that distinctive toddler way, "Yeah, come to think of it, I am hurt."

"The other group of moms merely shouts "Kaboom!" when the children go down, and their youngsters pick themselves up, dust a few flakes off the old bottom, and go on skating -- often saying, "Yeah, kaboom!" in agreement."

"The first group of children learned that a fall is a painful experience. The second group learned from their mistakes, not concentrating on the pain and parental rescue. The problem is, rescuing parents, often rescue out of their own needs. They like "healing hurts."

Cline and Fay say these parents are functioning out of a "need to be needed," rather than a "want to be wanted." This particular comparison illustrates well the difference between functional and dysfunctional parenting. In functional parenting or responsible parenting, the focus is on the child and the child's needs. In dysfunctional or irresponsible parenting, the focus is on the parent and the parent's needs. When we do parent responsibly, there are wonderful serendipities which we enjoy, but these serendipities are not the goal of parenting.

Responsible parents empower their children. David Wilmes in Parenting for Prevention defines parental empowering as "Parental activity that prepares young people to responsibly handle the options and stress of an increasingly complex and diverse culture by:

1. Providing consistent support and sound information about the world in which they live.

2. Providing opportunities for real-life practice to master the essential life skills needed to be an independent and capable young person.

Wilmes has outlined responsibilities for child and parent. He says the parent is responsible for setting limits, setting consequences, creating family structure and cohesion, working as a team, handling our own problems and providing a safe, secure environment. He says children are responsible for their feelings, their behavior, their performance, their social life, consequences from outside the home and their future.

We must love our children enough to allow them to fail. We must not rob them of these significant learning opportunities (SLO's) as Cline and Fay call them.

Glenn and Nelson relate the following story of the great scientist and discoverer of the polio vaccine, Jonas Salk, and his experience with SLO's:

"He was once asked, 'How does this outstanding achievement, which has effectively brought an end to the word polio in our vocabulary, cause you to view your previous 200 failures?'"

"His response (paraphrased) was, 'I never had 200 failures in my life. My family didn't think in terms of failure. They taught in terms of experiences and what could be learned. I just made my 201st discovery. I couldn't have made it without learning from the previous 200 experiences.'"

Mom and Dad, when we allow our children to handle their own significant learning opportunities, we are encouraging them to grow the wings which are essential for their future well-being.

(Mikal Frazier is a licensed family therapist with a private practice in Minden and Bossier City, Louisiana. She and her husband, Jim have three adult children and two grandchildren, whom they will gladly tell you about if you ask. Actually you don't even have to ask.)

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikalfraz@aol.com

Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org